posted by Dragon Wench:
<STRONG>Sounds wonderful, I think that western society could learn something from this example. Instead, people have secret extramarital affairs because monagamy continues to be upheld as a value that we should aspire to. In my opinion, to limit oneself to a single person, emotionally, intellectually or sexually, is unnatural.
</STRONG>
posted by EMINEM:
<STRONG>That's cuz you haven't met the right person yet. When you fall in love (I mean TRULY in love) with some one, you'll want to commit yourself to him and him alone mind, body and soul for as long as you both shall live. It's called marriage, and 90% of humanity do it.
<snip>
your belief that being tied to one person in a loving relationship is somehow unnatural. It is the most natural thing in the world!
</STRONG>
A few comments to DW and MM: Personally, I agree with DW that it is in one sense "unnatural" for the human being to tie oneself up to one person in all those areas. But it also depends on how we define the word
unnatural. Is "natural" synonymous with "original" or is "natural" anything that we humans have created, since it is obviouly have a need to create it?
Man, especially we in the Western world, has contructed the world we live in to a large extent. Out gene pool has certainly not changed to the extent that we have changed the world we live in. Let me take a little example: the phenomenon known as
phobia. Lots of people are very afraid of spiders, snakes, darkness and heights. Studies of learning and fear show that we humans have a predisposition for fear of those things, and it's believed this is the reason why so many people are afraid of those things. It has a adaptive survival value. Now, if we look at todays society, people in the "civilized" Western world very seldom die because of insects or falls from height. Apart from diseases like cancer and cardiovascular disease, the most common cause of death is car accidents. Still, there is not a single report of car-phobia increasing. We simply haven't adapted to include cars in our instinctual fears.
So we have constructed ourselves an unnatural world to live in. But on the other hand, it's obviously not unnatural for man to created unnatural worlds, since "civilazation" has spread to the extent it has. Personally, I believe that it is inherent in the human nature, in our genes and our minds, to have this need for exploring, exploiting and controlling the world around us. I truly wish it wasn't so, but that's what I believe.
So is life long monogamous relationsships unnatural or natural? I'd say they are unnatural in the same sense as living in a skyscrape and sitting at an office all day, is unnatural. Surely it is not the kind of life style the human being is adapted for. But that's what we have made. I don't want to apply moral values on the modern life style, but I think one thing is important:
By understanding there is a difference between what our bodies and minds are adapted for, and the present life style and norms, we can gain a better understanding of certain problems or areas.
Let's look at infidelity: Reports from the US and some Eurpean countries show that 50% of all married men and women have cheated on their partner at least once. Now, why is that? How can we understand this problem if we view at "natural" to live in life long monogamous couple relationships? Why are so many people looking for extramarial romance and sex, if we are all naturally "made for" not cheating?
Or a less "loaded" example: Why are so many people in the Wester world overweight to an unhealthy extent? If it's "natural" for us to sit still all day, why do a majority of those who do so develop health problems?
Same things goes for other aspects of modern life style. Why do so many people experience stress and strain while keeping up full time jobs and rearing small children? Is it because there's something wrong with those people who can't cope with the society as it is?
I hope you see my point. IMO life long monogamy, serial monogamy, satellite relationships of all kinds or group living of all kinds are fine as long as everybody involved is honest, has made a conscious choice and take responsibility for whatever the consequences might be. A large majority of societies today has the core family as the basic unit of society - it's the smallest reproductive unit possible, and it also goes well together with the concept of private ownership of property. Still, historically and presently, there are some cultures who live in groups where the whole group is the unit. In Southern and Eastern Europe as well as, many people live in families who are extended core families spanning several generations. In semi-nomadic tribes in Northern Africa, it's common that people have two or more sets of families, perhaps one in the desert, one in the mountains and one in an agricultural area. What is a "natural" form for man and women to love, reproduce and rear children, is very much depending on other factors in that specific society.
There is an extensive literature around where different approaches have been used to study the question of monogamy and polygamy. Most studies have actually come to the conclusion that life long monogamous relationships are not what humans are genetically adapted for - but as I said, we are not adapted to living in skyscraped either, still many of us want to do it. So, IMO each person has to make a choice how they want to live depending on his or her culture, personality, values, etc.
Last year, I and my husband was travelling with a Berber guy who lived in the kind of semi-nomadic style I described above. In his culture, it's the norm that you have two or more families. His father had two wives, and he called them both mothers. He though, had chosed to have just one wife, because he liked to have a monogamous marriage. She and the kids were living in an agricultural area, wheras he was alone in the summertime when the men in the tribe go out in the desert to trade with other tribes. So, that was his personal choice.
Personally, I'm married and I'm very committed to my husband. But that does in no way mean I don't need other people as well. I have some very close friends and many good friends, both male and female, people who I have different kinds of relationships to than I have to him. Do these relationships take anything from my marriage? Certainly not - they add to my life at a deeper level, and thus, they indirectly add to my marriage as well.
