Like a Man/Like a Woman...

Yshania · Post by **Yshania** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 12:03 pm

God made man and woman to compliment each other by the unique traits we were each given.

Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They carry children, they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay at home mums, biker babes and your neighbours.

They wear suits, jeans and uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children right schools.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal and forgiving.

They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.

But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves.

Their heart breaks when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think they have no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, all shapes and all colours.

They live in homes, appartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or email you to show how much they care for you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin.

Women do more than just give birth, they bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come into contact with.

Men

Men are good at lifting heavy s**t.

---------------------------------------------

Can I just stress I am not the author! But I did find a few of these lines amusing

Minerva · Post by **Minerva** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 12:07 pm

ROFL

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 12:23 pm

I have heard it before but i still LMAO

Yshania · Post by **Yshania** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 12:46 pm

How to shower

Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place in a sectional basket according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband is seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly, complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower.

Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphray shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphray conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave in hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to ensure it has all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spors with tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in superabsorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.

Attack with nails/tweezers if you find any.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife is seen shake your bits at her whilst yelling "Wa Hey!!". Look in mirror and suck in gut to examine manly physique. Admire size of bits in the mirror, give them a scratch and smell fingers for one last whiff before getting in the shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth - you don't need one. Wash face and armpit. Laugh at how lound farts sound in the shower. Wash @rse, leave hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make mohican hairstyle with soapy hair. Pull back curtain to admire self in mirror. Urinate in the shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor caused by shower curtain being on outside of bath for the whole duration. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire your manly bits again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist, leaving wet footprints on carpets. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab your bits and go "Yeah Baby!" whilst thrusting pelvis at her.

Put on yesterdays clothes.

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 12:53 pm

BTW Vehemence has already posted this

Yshania · Post by **Yshania** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 12:55 pm

I spent AGES typing that!!

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:00 pm

Originally posted by Yshania:
I spent AGES typing that!!

LOL

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:34 pm

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:40 pm

ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude
problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your
cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of
your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to
everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial
up every bumper sticker
that says:
"How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation
to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's
male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon
bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to
drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you
bought it yesterday.

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:41 pm

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in
different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat
your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream,
off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale
ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women
understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:44 pm

Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:47 pm

*ROFL* That was by far some of the funniest stuff I have ever read! Good Job to Yshania

Nippy · Post by **Nippy** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:48 pm

Too true DP, too true...

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 1:52 pm

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about"

My mother taught me OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished"

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room"

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like your
father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 2:01 pm

Thats truly some twisted sh!t.

Very funny

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 2:27 pm

LMAO Dp

Xandax · Post by **Xandax** » Mon Jul 30, 2001 11:28 pm

*ROFL* @ DP - good one

Vehemence · Post by **Vehemence** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 6:18 am

Originally posted by Yshania:
Women are honest, loyal and forgiving.

ROFLMFAO!!!!

Oh man that's a good one, *wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes* I've never laughed so hard in my life!

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 6:25 am

Originally posted by Vehemence:
ROFLMFAO!!!!

Oh man that's a good one, *wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes* I've never laughed so hard in my life!

Ahh but they do a great job of appearing to be Loyal and forgiving all the while stabbing you in the back with a meat cleaver

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 6:30 am

Yeesh. To read all the above, you would think the human race consists of two alien species who approach only to procreate and then draw daggers.

I've been married ten years, lived with my wife first for three years, after we dated heavily for two. We're best friends, lovers, and enjoy one another's company. Put that in your pipe and stick it where your cynicism don't shine.