Evil twin astrology (spam on astrology, only)

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:07 pm

I'd found this several years ago (circa 1975), but misplaced the thing. Now, it's shown up on the Web. Lucky you:

AQUARIUS - Jan 20-Feb 18:
You have an inventive mind & are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless & impractical causing you to make the same mistakes over & over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES - Feb 19-Mar 20:
You have a vivid imagination & often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates & people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence & are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

ARIES - Mar 21-Apr 19:
You are the pioneer type & hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient & scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS - Apr 20-May 20:
You are practical & persistent. You have a dogged determination & work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn & bullheaded. You are a Communist.

GEMINI - May 21-June 20:
You are a quick & intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

CANCER - June 21-July 22:
You are sympathetic & understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO - July 23-Aug 22:
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain & dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.

VIRGO - Aug 23-Sep 22:
You are the logical type & hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold & unemotional & sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA - Sep 23-Oct 22:
You are the artistic type & have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment & monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. Most Libra men are homosexual. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO - Oct 23-Nov 21:
You're shrewd in business & cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov 22-Dec 21:
You are optimistic & enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN - Dec 22-Jan 19:
You are conservative & afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything & are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as they tend to take root & become trees.

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:12 pm

You beat me to it fable. I found something on a site similar to it. Extreamly similar. But hey, I'm a capricorn, and I haven't managed to grow roots andwhat not. There was once a song that weird al did about tastrology, I don't remember the name though.

Dottie · Post by **Dottie** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:10 pm

Where on earth did you find this Fable? It is a parody far better than Spaceballs imo.

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:38 pm

I must admit, I found this about a week ago, but never got around to posting it.

Hmm... Wonder what it says about Cancer's...

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 6:08 am

Hehehehehe...

That is cool. I remember something like that translated to portuguese sent to my mailbox a few months ago...

fable · Post by **fable** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 6:42 am

[QUOTE=Dottie]Where on earth did you find this Fable? It is a parody far better than Spaceballs imo.

[/QUOTE]

I found it here. The site owner is an astrologer who also reviews tarot decks, and does so with a sense of humor and critical eye that's missing all too often, elsewhere.

ik911 · Post by **ik911** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 7:03 am

There has never been a Capricorn of any importance...?

Cicero, Joan of Arc, Elvis Presley, Richard Nixon (and more)

Don't tell me none of these have ever been of importance...

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 7:10 am

You can't forget myself ik. You know, come to think of it, I am the only person who doesn't deserve to be a capricorn, I take a lot of risks, esoecialy when I was in school doing all that crap with Billy and Jimmy

. But thats off topic. On topic, I know its just being silly, but I am lazy and don't do much of anything in the summer at least.

Galuf the Dwarf · Post by **Galuf the Dwarf** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:04 pm

[QUOTE=ik911]There has never been a Capricorn of any importance...?

Cicero, Joan of Arc, Elvis Presley, Richard Nixon (and more)

Don't tell me none of these have ever been of importance...[/QUOTE]

Adding to list: Lemmy of Motorhead (12/24) and Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam (12/23; My birthday too!).

On subject:

fable: So, is this really supposed to be the, let's say "dark side" of each Zodiac, or the opposite? I don't completely understand.

fable · Post by **fable** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:13 pm

[QUOTE=Galuf the Dwarf]fable: So, is this really supposed to be the, let's say "dark side" of each Zodiac, or the opposite? I don't completely understand.

[/QUOTE]

Galuf, it's only meant as humorous. It's a satire on all those daily horoscopes that try to make it appear that you can generalize about hundreds of millions of people born in each of twelve signs, and make every one of the twelve sound like they're wonderful--and of course, the people reading them are wonderful, too, because they were all born in the same one-twelfth of the year as Somebody Famous.

This piece just stands all that on its head, by reading the worst possible interpretation into the twelve astrological signs, and making the same glittering generalities out of them.

Myself, I don't buy into astrology. But I've seen really, exceptionally good astrologers hit 100% on the mark, so I'm inclined to think astrology, for them, is a tool to opening completely non-rational circuits in the universe that work. But I wouldn't pay $10 to get an astrology chart done.

Mind, I also have a collection of tarot decks, so I'm completely unreliable.

Galuf the Dwarf · Post by **Galuf the Dwarf** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:54 pm

Well, my mom's got about 10 decks, and the both of us buy into all this fortune telling stuff, to a point.

As for the main paragraph: That's all I wanted to know. Me, I can fall asleep in the middle of a day if I'm tired enough, but I tend to spring up like a stealthy & stalking wild cat. I wonder if you'd say I'm a reactionary opportunist or some-such. Overall, I'm a Capricorn to the bone.

Mulligan · Post by **Mulligan** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 10:23 pm

[QUOTE=Galuf the Dwarf]Well, my mom's got about 10 decks, and the both of us buy into all this fortune telling stuff, to a point.

As for the main paragraph: That's all I wanted to know. Me, I can fall asleep in the middle of a day if I'm tired enough, but I tend to spring up like a stealthy & stalking wild cat. I wonder if you'd say I'm a reactionary opportunist or some-such. Overall, I'm a Capricorn to the bone.[/QUOTE]
I only got one & intuition..

Always worked for me, but never tested it over the ether..wanna give it a try? 10 ?? equals 10 facts of you.

Ravager · Post by **Ravager** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 2:27 pm

LEO - July 23-Aug 22:
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain & dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.

Maybe I'm the expection that proves the rule

.

Astrology is the real bully. Telling how your day/month/year is going to be.

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 6:19 pm

[QUOTE=fable]...Mind, I also have a collection of tarot decks, so I'm completely unreliable.[/QUOTE]

No worries. I'm a card short of a full deck, myself. You're in good company.

Astrology has never interested me. From the earliest viewing I felt the daily "horrorscope" columns in newspapers were a cave-in to tabloid-mongering readers who somehow clamored loudly enough for publishers to give in and feature a syndicated horoscope column in their papers. A little bow to that National Enquirer in all of us, perhaps? I'm not sure, but even dedicated fans of astrology feel that the syndicated columns are without substance, generally "feel good" blurbs for an audience looking to feel good about themselves. It's a product, and there's a market for it.

I've dabbled with the tarot myself in the past, and while intriguing, I lost interest in it. Even if I could gain a very concise and clear insight into future events (or at behind-the-scenes forces at work in my life), I don't think I would use it, nor desire that. Something about the mystery of life as it unfolds is intriguing enough for me, and preferable to knowing about things before they come to pass.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 7:18 pm

[QUOTE=Chanak]No worries. I'm a card short of a full deck, myself. You're in good company.

Astrology has never interested me. From the earliest viewing I felt the daily "horrorscope" columns in newspapers were a cave-in to tabloid-mongering readers who somehow clamored loudly enough for publishers to give in and feature a syndicated horoscope column in their papers. A little bow to that National Enquirer in all of us, perhaps? I'm not sure, but even dedicated fans of astrology feel that the syndicated columns are without substance, generally "feel good" blurbs for an audience looking to feel good about themselves. It's a product, and there's a market for it.

I've dabbled with the tarot myself in the past, and while intriguing, I lost interest in it. Even if I could gain a very concise and clear insight into future events (or at behind-the-scenes forces at work in my life), I don't think I would use it, nor desire that. Something about the mystery of life as it unfolds is intriguing enough for me, and preferable to knowing about things before they come to pass.[/QUOTE]

I can't say astrology has ever interested me either, I tend to dismiss it and treat it as something of a lark. Horoscopes in newspapers are especially entertaining

Tarot, however, I take quite seriously, and in fact I own three decks. I don't use it to "tell the future" though. I don't think that is really possible, and I'm somewhat sceptical of anyone who claims to be able to read the future with tarot cards. Instead, I treat tarot as a meditative tool with which to clarify a current situation.

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:51 pm

[QUOTE=dragon wench]
Tarot, however, I take quite seriously, and in fact I own three decks. I don't use it to "tell the future" though. I don't think that is really possible, and I'm somewhat sceptical of anyone who claims to be able to read the future with tarot cards. Instead, I treat tarot as a meditative tool with which to clarify a current situation.[/QUOTE]

There are some who use it for just this purpose - I believe that fable has posted that he does elsewhere in different threads - and in my opinion, anything that helps us to contemplate or meditate in general is a good thing. There is no question that the artwork featured on some decks is rich with archetypical symbolism - and in any event, such artwork is invariably interesting to study. Some use the tarot, others might try to hear the sound of one hand clapping...personally, I would prefer to use the tarot.

I've known people who take astrology rather seriously. I never could connect with what they did. The fact is, the arrangement of bodies in the solar system does indeed have a profound effect - each planet affects the other - but the significance here is gravitational and astromechanical, as opposed to emotional and psychological (I will make an exception in regards to the earth's moon...apparently, the phases of the moon can strongly influence some people, as law enforcement agencies are well aware of). Constellations we observe in the sky are but snapshots of a very distant past...the light we see reaches us from millions of years ago. Perhaps, like the tarot, one can make a connection to a symbolism inherent in the system...beyond that, however, I see no substance.

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 9:27 pm

I've known two professional astrologers--one, a former coven brother of mine, another, involved in a coven I'm currently doing some work with. Each studied the subject seriously and at great length. Neither gave those daily horoscopes a moment's notice, and my old friend would curse a blue streak about them. Both thought astrology was best used to point out areas of potential strength and weakness in the natal chart--the chart at the time of birth--and in the current chart, showing the personality as it is. That's all.

For myself, I have quite a few tarot decks, and I won't say how many, here, because I'm sure it will be misunderstood by most, and because I can't kill anybody who laughs at me, without going to jail. (Sad, that.)

Suffice to say, the tarot can't tell fortunes, but it can take a look at influences currently at-work in situations; and it's possible to suggest a series of courses of actions from that. Personally, I prefer using the tarot for two other purposes: meditation work, and for "pathworking"--the shamanistic/hedge witch practice of using the card as a doorway inside yourself for a little personal exploration, and maybe something else that goes a long way outside. If you accept that possibility.

Galuf the Dwarf · Post by **Galuf the Dwarf** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 9:37 pm

In light of my mother, that does sound quite a bit like what she does, fable.

Me, I have felt a touch of such as well, although I have been known to have some unusual perceptions of situations that almost seem on a psychic level. That, in fact, was something I had once PMed DW about (I wonder if she remembers the PM about "strange things" I sent her). I've even had more than one fortune teller tell me that I had a unique energy radiating from me (please do not humorize very much).

And that's what draws me to fortune telling. It may help me try to understand some things about myself that I (currently) can't.

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 10:12 pm

The esoteric nature of the tarot and astrology is understandably obscure to most since most are clueless to the meanings inherent in symbolism. Since symbolism is a language the subconscious understands (and uses in the medium of dreams in my opinion) and a language I relish delving into, I can appreciate the value one may find in either the tarot or astrology. Personally, being artistic by nature, I am inclined to more readily embrace the symbolism of the tarot, or of nature which surrounds me, than I am a mechanical sort of arrangement like astrology. Unfortunately, my conscious mind associates the likes of Jean Dixon and others very closely with astrology, so it is very difficult for me to overcome the bias I have developed due to the popular "National Enquirer" aura it has assumed. Visions of Elvis shrines and pictures of Bill Clinton with aliens unfortunately come to mind when I think of astrology.

giles337 · Post by **giles337** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 2:31 am

[QUOTE=Darth Zenemij]You beat me to it fable. I found something on a site similar to it. Extreamly similar. But hey, I'm a capricorn, and I haven't managed to grow roots andwhat not. There was once a song that weird al did about tastrology, I don't remember the name though.[/QUOTE]

The song is "That's Your Horoscope For Today"

[QUOTE=Weird Al: Thats Your Horoscope For Today]
Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today[/QUOTE]

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Of course, it is always amusing to pick up two different papers, and laugh at the often completely contrasting predictions