Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Thu May 05, 2005 9:48 am

While these are not specially funny, they are economist jokes

Not that you need to post about professions but... post jokes

-----------------------------

A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to five meters above ground and asks a passing wanderer: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says: "You are in a downed red balloon, five meters above ground."
The balloon's unhappy resident replied, "You must be an economist"
"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.
"Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost".

"Then you must be in management", said the passer-by.
"Thats right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!"

----------------------

An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprice they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"

-----------------------

Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving.

Grimar · Post by **Grimar** » Thu May 05, 2005 9:58 am

Once there was an american guy who slept with an japanese woman. this japanese woman had a husband, who found out that this had happened. He found the american guy and the japanese woman, and said to the american guy that if this happened again, he would torture him in the japanese way. the japanese woman only laughed at this, so the american guy thought that it wasn't so dangerus, and went to the japanese woman the same night.

next day, when the american guy woke up in his appartment on the second floor, he had a huge rock on his belly. on it there was a note: "japanese torture nr.1". he was a strong man, so he simply laughed at it, and threw the rock out the window. just as the rock passes the window, he spottes a second note under the rock: "japanese torture nr.2, your left testickle(sp?), is nailed to the stone. He gets shock, and can feel it, so he throws himself out the window after the rock, thinking that he can survive a fall from the second floor. just as he passes the window, he spottes a third note: "japanese torture nr.3, your right testickle is nailed to your bed!!

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Thu May 05, 2005 10:11 am

LOL, i've heard that one before but it's still funny ROFL

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Thu May 05, 2005 11:58 am

lmao!

OKay.. not a joke in the technical sense.. but..
A friend sent me this, my initial reaction was.... Eeeeeeewwwwww!!!!

And being the generous sort of person that I am, I of course felt obligated to share

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Apparently some people over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite
confused about how they should present ourselves. They're unsure about the
kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as
they try to conform to current fashions. Despite what may be
on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker

Be grateful I edited out the more horrifying ones...

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu May 05, 2005 12:14 pm

Those are hilarious. I like the economist ones Luis, the comment about management has been SO true in my experiences.

The joke with the japanese torture, that's brilliant. Love it, something like I'd come up with.

DW, that's just gross, and so much more for me because unfortunately, I've seen examples of some of those.

Aramant · Post by **Aramant** » Thu May 05, 2005 2:46 pm

[QUOTE=dragon wench]9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge[/QUOTE]
Unfortunately, this trend is hardly limited to the elderly.

Q. How do you kill a one-legged fox?
A. Make it run across Canada.

the_limey · Post by **the_limey** » Thu May 05, 2005 2:51 pm

Has anyone heard the one about the red and white Knight who rode a black and white horse?
This joke is so long that when a friend of mine posted it at another forum he was flamed for weeks.
I could post it here on the condition nobody moans when they have to read so much and then not like it...

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu May 05, 2005 2:55 pm

[QUOTE=Aramant]Unfortunately, this trend is hardly limited to the elderly.

Q. How do you kill a one-legged fox?
A. Make it run across Canada.[/QUOTE]

Ha, so true. Reminds me of a skit I saw by Drew Carey about 7-8 years ago on TV. He went off about people wearing skimpy bathing outfits on the beach who were bigger than him. Said he knows he wasn't in shape and had the common decency and respect for his fellow human beings to cover up.

I'm not in the best shape myself and I totally agree with him there. It's just not right seeing a 400lb man wandering around in a speedo.

the_limey · Post by **the_limey** » Thu May 05, 2005 2:57 pm

[QUOTE=Magrus]It's just not right seeing a 400lb man wandering around in a speedo.[/QUOTE]

Depends where all that weight is

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu May 05, 2005 3:00 pm

It doesn't matter, at all where that weight is.

the_limey · Post by **the_limey** » Thu May 05, 2005 3:02 pm

Well, now that I come to think about it, if it wieghed 400lb you simply wouldn't be able to walk in a straight line. There again, you may not have to...

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Thu May 05, 2005 3:26 pm

[QUOTE=Magrus]It's just not right seeing a 400lb man wandering around in a speedo.[/QUOTE]
Are you even sure that, at 400 lbs, you could even still see the Speedo?
(might it just... disappear?)

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Thu May 05, 2005 5:12 pm

[QUOTE=Cuchulain82]Are you even sure that, at 400 lbs, you could even still see the Speedo?
(might it just... disappear?)[/QUOTE]
lmao, Just like Homer Simpson, He was at that one beach in Brazil and his speedo just really disappear.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Fri May 06, 2005 12:11 pm

limey post the joke so this doesn't turn into complete spam! and ppl although i'm not the original poster try to limit the spam.. we have enough of those threads

god i sound like xandax

*runs away in terror screaming*

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Fri May 06, 2005 12:28 pm

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

----------------------------------------

How musicians do it...

Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it in rhythmically.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.

---------------------------------------

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

----------------------------------------

A guide to man-machine interface

USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR

USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ BASTARD
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri May 06, 2005 1:02 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo ****.

Someone has stolen tent."

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri May 06, 2005 1:29 pm

Ha these are hilarious.

Locke, yes, run in fear. It mean's your now being responsible.

the_limey · Post by **the_limey** » Fri May 06, 2005 1:40 pm

All right, here goes (just don't get mad

)

Once upon a time there was a Red and White Knight who rode a Black and White Horse. One day he decided he wished to marry the daughter of the king of England. So, the Red and White Knight who rides a black and white horse went to the King of England's castle and said to the guard:
"I am the Red and White Knight and I ride a black and white horse and I demand to see the king"
The guard went to the king and said
"My liege, there is a red and white knight who rides a black and white horse outside who wants to see you"
To which the knig replied
"A red and white knight on a black and white horse eh? Well send him in"
The red and white knight who rode the black and white horse enters the throne room and says to the king
"I am the red and white knight who rideth a black and white horse and I wish the hand of your daughter in marriage".
To which the king says
"Red and white knight who rides upon a black and white horse, you may marry my daughter if you bring me the king of Scotland's Golden Sword."
"Very well" says the red and and white knight who rides a black and white horse, and rides off north to see the king of Scotland.
"I am the red and white knight, I ride a black and white horse and I demand to see the King!" says the knight to the King of Scotlands page.
"What do you want red and white knight who rides a black and white horse?" asks the King.
"I, the red and white night who rides ablack and white horse must collect your golden sword for the king of England so I can marry his daughter"
"Well, red and white knight who rides a black and white horse, you may only have my golden sword if you bring me the king of Wales's silver lance"
So off the red and white knight who rides a black and white horse rides again to the throne of the King of Wales.
"What the hell do you want red and white knight who rides a black and white horse?" asks the king of Wales.
"I am on a great quest to recovet your silver lance that I might give it to the king of Scotland" says the red and white knight who ride a black and white horse.
"O.K. red and white knight who rides a black and white horse you may have my lance if you bring me the ruby chalice of the King of Ireland."
Once more the red and white knight who rides a black and white horse sally's forth to the castle of the King of Ireland.
"Great king" says the red and white knight who rides a black and white horse "I have come for your ruby chalice"
"I know what you want, red and white knigth who rides a black and white horse, and why you want it- kill the green dragon for me and you'll have it"
So, the red and white knight who rides the black and white horse finds the green dragon's lair and demands a duel.
"Tell me little red and white knight who rides a black and white horse why I should indulge you" says the dragon.
"I am on a great quest- I need your head to give to the king of ireland so I can have his ruby chalice which I will exchange for the silver lance of the King of Wales, that I might swap it for the Golden sword of the king of Scotland which I can give to the king of England so I can marry his dughter."
And with one sroke of his sword the red and whitre knight took the green dragons head which he returned to the king of Ireland and gained his ruby chalice which he swapped for the King of Wales's silver lance that he gave to the King of Scotland for his golden sword which he returned to the King of England.
"I, the red and white knight who rideth a black and white horse have travelled many leagues to bring you this gift: can I please marry your daughter now?" said the red and white knight that rides a black and white horse.
For a long time the king looked at the red and white knight who rides a black and white horse before finally he said
"No"

(Apologies in advance for those who are particulaly offended by this joke. Personally I find it hilarious- says something about my sense of humour doesn't it?)

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri May 06, 2005 2:06 pm

@ The Limey,
ROFL! Beautiful!

That truly appealed to my warped sense of humour

Grimar · Post by **Grimar** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:42 am

here is a short one

-Mom, can i get a bra
-no
-But i'm 15!
-no john!