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The Dark Flames Save Christmas

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Gwalchmai
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The Dark Flames Save Christmas

Post by Gwalchmai »

The Dark Flames Save Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the cottage,
A lovely creature did stir, afore a fire of low wattage,
She drank her hot toddy and enjoyed the fire’s low glow,
Grateful she was not out, for a cold blizzard did blow,

Now, don’t you think I will tell this whole thing in rhyme,
I’ve tried it before, and it just won’t work this time.


Dragon Wench stood by the fire, contemplating the winter’s eve. Flickering firelight played across her features like rustling leaves in a Summer’s breeze. She sighed contentedly and shifted: her robe parting and slipping away from her muscled, fit form. First, her slender ankle was revealed, followed by her taut calf. Her long, toned thigh was seen as the robe fell away, leading up to….

“Hey!” she shouted angrily, “This is a public forum! Kids could be reading this!”

Dragon Wench pulled the robe closed and held it demurely to her throat.

Suddenly, her keen ears caught the sound of something on her roof. She slipped on her bunny slippers and snuck out the front door to see what was going on. The wind howled, and blowing snow made it difficult to see, but she could just make out several small figures on her roof, one of which was making his way toward her chimney. “Halfling Thieves!” she muttered to herself, “I’ll show them!”

She said the words of a familiar incantation, and a small ball of fire shot from her outstretched hands. As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so too the fireball defied the cold, defied gravity, and rushed up to the top of her roof where it burst amid the intruders in a great flash of light and heat. The accumulated snow melted instantly and fell from the eves directly on to Dragon Wench in a warm, soaking torrent. Before she could react, a rotund little man slid down the hot roof tiles to land at her feet. His white beard singed and his red coat in tatters he moaned as various leather harnesses also fell into the slush.

“You’ve vaporized my reindeer!” the funny old elf shouted. “The world is doomed!”

Helping the old man into her house, and ignoring the twinkle in his eye as he spied the soaking wet fabric of her thin robe clinging to her body, Dragon Wench listened as the man explained his mission. He had one last delivery to make this night; a delivery that would brighten the life of the most dangerous man in Faerun.

“What can I do to help?” she asked nervously.

“I must resurrect my reindeer, so you must complete the delivery. Call your friends! With these harnesses, you will be able to drive my sleigh and transport yourselves to his realm. Deliver The Package, and he might just spare the world!”

“We will do it!” Dragon Wench shouted with resolve, “No matter the danger! I pledge by all that the Dark Flames hold dear that we will not fail in this task!” A moment passed. “Er, who is this dangerous man?”

The scorched, jolly old elf laid a finger aside his nose and gave a nod. As he slowly faded from sight, his last word echoed throughout the room. “Waverly.”
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Gwalchmai
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part II

Dragon Wench dressed quickly, then rushed out into the night. Across the street was Thantor’s house. She pounded on the door, but the only answer was the screeching sounds of a violin coming from within. Cautiously, she picked the lock and opened the door. The sounds of the violin were coming from the upstairs sitting room. Up the stairs and around the corner, she found Thantor standing before the mantle dressed in a red velvet smoking jacket and a silk paisley ascot. He was playing the violin while meditating into the fire and hadn’t noticed her entrance. The warm firelight filled the room, dancing across the many leather-bound tomes that lined the shelves of the bookcases. Ornate battle-axes and maces adorned the walls, and a detailed globe of the world hovered in one corner. An oaken roll-top desk took up most of one wall; cluttered with papers, open books, and nick-knacks. Curiously, a telescope stood on a tripod at the window. Dragon Wench peered through the lens and was surprised to find that it was focused on her own bedroom window across the street.

“Ahem!” she coughed, getting Thantor’s attention. He spun around, scraping his bow harshly across the strings of his instrument.

“Dragon Wench!” he yelped, but immediately composed himself. “How are you this fine evening?” he purred smoothly. Then he noticed that she had been examining the telescope and his eyes widened, “Er, that belongs to Gwally. He uses it whenever he comes for a visit.”

“Never mind that,” Dragon Wench said, rolling her eyes, “Something has come up….” She quickly explained the situation with Santa’s present for Waverly. “We must gather the Dark Flames!” she said at the end.

Leaping to action, Thantor agreed. “I shall gather those of us who remain local, you summon our more distant friends!” With that, he donned his fighting gear and cloak, and sped out the door.

Back in her own house, Dragon Wench prepared the ritual that would call upon her friends that were spending the holiday in more distant lands. The dark flames leapt from the onyx bowl as she sprinkled the ground components of the portal spell into it. She traced out intricate patterns of circles on the floor to receive the teleported heroes. She first called upon her dear friend Yshania.

As the spell hummed and buzzed, Yshania materialized, floating in mid-air horizontally. As soon as the teleportation was completed, she suddenly collapsed to the floor in a heap of cloaks, coats, and scarves. “Aaaaa! Damn tree root!” She spun around defensively and looked around, confused. “Where are the villagers? DW? What am I doing here?”

“The Dark Flames have an important mission! We must gather our forces! Er, what this about the villagers?”

Yshania dusted herself off, and muttered, “They begged me for the love potion! ‘Yer a wee fine Druid’ they said, ‘and our fine Mayor hasn’t been able to get it on fer his fine wife in years! We just wants ta give ‘im a fine litt’l present!’” Yshania stamped her foot and spat. “Can I help it if the first woman the Mayor spies is the village crone?”

Dragon Wench chuckled and called the next friend. Gwalchmai appeared, clothed only in garlands of leaves.

“Hey! I was just about to, uh…. Celebrate the Saturnalia! (Yeah, that’s what I was doing…) What’s going on?”

“Sorry Gwally, but we have an important mission!” Dragon Wench said. Gwalchmai immediately understood the seriousness of the situation, and went to get his spare gear from Dragon Wench’s storage closet. As he walked by, she asked, “A blond Saturnalia or a redheaded Saturnalia?” He just grinned and winked.

Dragon Wench continued calling her friends. Gearogi appeared in a polka-dot bikini and speaking some sort of gibberish about shrimps and barbies. Nippy appeared stripped to the waist, razor in hand, and his chest covered in shaving cream. Mysteria appeared while she was sleeping curled up with her wolf, Fang. Aqua-Chan appeared caught in an embarrassing position of fur-cleaning, one leg extended high above her head. T’lainya soon arrived, stepping through her own Dimension Door rather than allowing herself to be unwillingly teleported.

Thantor burst through the door, declaring that the others from the hamlet would soon arrive. McBane and Bloodstalker walked in, bouncing off the doorjambs, drunk as usual. Farscape ran in, a flurry of armor clanking and ringing out an awful racket. Flanders mysteriously faded in from a dark corner of the room, grimly surveying the gathering. Aegis leapt into the room, the only one not to track snow into Dragon Wench’s house.

Suddenly, a red flame flashed in the center of the room. A puff of dark smoke, and out stepped a tall, toe-headed woman wearing finely embroidered mage’s robes of the deepest red. “You guys wouldn’t forget me, would you?” Der-Draigon said.

“No, of course not,” Dragon Wench said, eyeing DeeDee suspiciously. “Is this everybody?” Dragon Wench asked. “Where’s Scayde and Chanak?”

“Ahm here!” Scayde drawled as she strode through the door. She was dressed in a buckskin duster jacket, but fishnet stockings showed on her legs as she walked. A whip was curled on her hip.

Chanak rushed in last, huffing and puffing in his lateness. He was struggling to put his boot on while simultaneously picking at a dog collar around his neck that was adorned with jingling bells. “Um, Scayde, my Darling?” he called, “Do you have the key to this thing?”

“Why, shore thing, Sweetie! But you haven’t earned it yet!”

“Oh, come on!” Chanack whispered urgently, “This is embarrassing in front of all the guys!”

Everyone else just rolled their eyes.

Back out in the snow, Dragon Wench explained the dire situation from atop Santa’s sleigh. Summing it up, she held the leather harnesses that Santa had given her, “Somehow, we are to use these to pull the sleigh. Any volunteers?”

The sight of Dragon Wench standing there asking for volunteers while holding a handful leather straps was enough to encourage each of the male Dark Flames to instant action. They all took a harness and prepared to put it on. Yshania noted that one special harness remained after eight had been handed out. “Why are there nine harnesses? Surely eight would be enough?”

Bloodstalker staggered forward, “Who are we to question? I’ll take that!” Everyone bravely put the harnesses over their heads, and a collective gasp arose from the women as all the men were suddenly transformed into flying reindeer. Bloodstalker, who had the special harness, also changed into a reindeer, but with a little something different…..

You know Thantor and Aegis and McBane and Nippy,
Flanders and Chanak and Farscape and Gwally,
But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all??

(Blood) Stalker the red-nosed reindeer,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw him,
You would surely say it glows….
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part III

Flying in the sleigh was quite comfortable for the ladies. Somehow they were magically protected from the frigid winds of the northern realms they flew toward. Everyone remained quiet, contemplating the looming battle. On the other hand, they might have been contemplating the muscular (but hairy) behinds of the male Dark Flames flying in front of them. It was hard to tell. The mood remained somber, however, until Aqua-Chan’s nose began to quiver. She began sniffing around the back seat of the sleigh and suddenly shouted, “Ah, ha!” Everyone scrambled to see her discovery. “Look at this stash! Mmmmm! Fudge and cookies! And warm drinks! Santa has something of everything in here!”

“Ooooh!” Yshania said, “I’ll have a glass of Baileys, cheese and a biscuit if you please!”

“How about a Hot Buttered Rum and a warm scone?” Mysteria asked.

“Mulled cider and chocolate biscotti for me,” said Dragon Wench.

“Is there any hot chocolate?” DeeDee asked as she bit the head off a Santa-shaped sugar cookie.

“Ah’ll have one ‘a them thar scones with a little Jalepeño Jelly on it!” Scayde asked.

“Egg nog and rum would be great, especially with those little rosette cookies,” T’lainya mused.

“I found the Christmas Mead!” Georgi sang out happily. McBaindeer snorted sullenly.

Soon, the ladies were all happily munching, drinking, and talking as they flew high above the dark winter landscape. Suddenly, there was a mild lurch and a yelp from up front. The spell that had ensorcelled Chanak had suddenly worn off, leaving the dark Teifling dangling from his harness between the reindeer. “Help!” he called out, spying the icy tundra far below. The women quickly helped to fetch him into the sleigh. Soon, McBane followed suit, his stubby dwarven legs and arms flapping wildly in mid air. Aegis and Thantor also returned to their normal state. Flanders changed as well, but did not need help climbing into the sleigh, seeming to fly of his own accord into a seat next to Mysteria. Fang gave a low growl.

“Uh, I hate to say this,” T’lainya said as she nervously peered over the edge, “but I think we’re losing altitude!”

Only four reindeer remained to pull a sleigh loaded with thirteen heroes, a wolf, and a stockpile of fudge. The descent was quite rapid.
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part IV

“Is everyone alright!” Thantor yelled as everyone crawled out from under the overturned sleigh. A chorus of “I’m Okays” and “Yup, Just Fines” rang out.

“Hey, where’s Bloodstalker?” Nippy asked after taking a quick head count. A quick search revealed him to be stuck head first in a snowbank, his legs waving absurdly with muffled shouts of “Helb! Helb!” The Dark Flames pulled him out and gasped at the sight of him.

“Wha’? Whas wrongb?” He asked. Then his eyes crossed as he saw his own great, bulbous nose, faintly glowing red. “By nozb! By nozb! I need a dwink.” He lifted his bottle of Turkey to his lips, but couldn’t get the bottle around his nose. “Ahhhhhh!” he panicked.

“I’ve seen this before,” T’lainya said thoughtfully as she watched Bloodstalker run around in random circles. “It’s a condition associated with too much hard drink from poorly sanitized sources. It will pass after a few hours of sobriety.”

“Whar Ah come from, its called the D.T.s” Scayde offered.

“Its more than that,” Flanders observed. Everyone looked at him questioningly. “You’ll note that we have crashed before reaching our destination. You’ll also note that this winter landscape offers no clue as to which way we should continue. Lastly, you’ll note that Bloodstalker’s nose glows brightest whenever he faces a particular direction. I think he is acting like a path-finding beacon that will lead us to Waverly’s foul lair.”

“Ah” everyone said, grasping the convenience of the situation.

“But it will be awfully hard to pull the sleigh over this terrain!” Aqua-Chan mewled.

“I can do it!” Farscape said in a deep, manly voice.

“I can help!” Nippy said in a deeper, more manly voice.

“Me too!” Chanak said, trumping them all with his best Devil-Blooded-Paladin voice. All three succeeded in righting the sleigh, then they pulled on the ropes with many grunts and groans, but only managed to pull it a few meters.

“Maybe I have a better idea,” Gwalchmai said. After a moment, he transformed himself into a Greater Earth Elemental. In one hand, he grabbed the tethers and easily pulled the sleigh, looking like a giant kid dragging his sled up a hill. Everyone clambered into the sleigh, except for a slightly calmer Bloodstalker, who sat atop Gwalchmai’s shoulder, his nose leading the way. Gwalchmai set a good pace with long strides.

The twilight northern realm was lit with blue and green flashes of the Aurora overhead, casting strange shadows against the snow. More than once, the fearless heroes started as the wind blew a gust of snow in their faces or a shadow leapt out at them. Soon, though, the wind seemed to die out, and the shadows took on a silent, ominous tone.

They entered a great landscape of jagged ice pinnacles, arches, and bridges with vertigo-inspiring crevasses below. Soon, they stood before a great ice cavern, its great maw showing only a blue-lighted interior of vast proportions.

The companions stopped, understanding that they had reached their destination. Bloodstalker climbed down from Gwalchmai’s shoulder as the Druid transformed to his normal human form. Bloodstalker stood in a daze hugging himself and shivering for the lack of alcohol in his system. His nose slowly faded and shrank down to nearly its normal size. “At last!” he yelled, taking a mighty draught from his bottle of Turkey.

“Arrr, take it easy boy! Here, drink some of this Christmas Mead as well so you can work yer way up to pure Turkey!” McBane handed Bloodstalker a brimming flagon of brew.

Suddenly, a wild screeching filled the air and all weapons were readied. Nippy blanched. “Oh, no!” he said as memories of his own incarceration by Waverly filled his brain, “Flying Hooter Girls!”
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part V

“Have at ye, Ye Misshapen Harpies!” McBane cried, his battle hammer swinging. He struck a solid blow against the first Flying Hooter Girl to attack, but the girl exploded in a shower of sticky silicone gel that coated McBane and bound him to the spot.

“We cannot fight these things physically!” Thantor shouted, “We need to defeat them through other means!”

“If only there were a sale on beauty supplies at a nearby pharmacy!” Gwalchmai moaned amid the screeching racket, “That would surely draw them away!”

“Does anyone know the spell ‘Conjure Elvis’? That would distract these girls as well!” Yshania cried.

“I seem to recall their fascination for Waverly’s Magical Staff!” Nippy yelled to Thantor, “They were positively fixated upon it!”

“Yes!” Thantor exclaimed snapping his fingers, “That must be the source of their power! If we could only block the flow of power!”

Scayde reached into her pack and pulled out several odd belts. “Would these help?” Thantor’s eyes widened in increasing admiration for the strange Texan and said, “Yes, these will do nicely. You have the keys, I assume? Good. Now we just need to get these up to the Hooter Girls”

Aegis stepped forward. “Let me give it a shot.” He grabbed the belts and keys and set off running for the nearby ice wall. Executing several intricate jumps and backflips, he managed to gain enough height to actually land on top of one of the Flying Girls. He quickly affixed the chastity belt in the proper position and leapt onto the next Girl. With the belts in place the Hooter Girls fluttered to the ground, their powers blocked. Aegis laughed and dangled the keys from his hand.

The Formerly Flying Hooter Girls began chanting at Aegis, “The Keys, The Keys! We’ll do anything (and we mean anything) for the keys!” They started running (bouncing and jiggling) after him, chasing him across the tundra.

“Shouldn’t we help him?” Bloodstalker asked.

“I’m fairly sure that he can outrun them. Besides, we must deliver the package to Waverly so we can save the world!” Dragon Wench said, leading the way inside the cavern.
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part VI

The cavern was massive, the ice glowing with strange blue and purple lights. The floor was packed snow that crunched under the feet of the Dark Flames as they walked.

McBane, still peeling sticky silicone from his armor, was the first to break the silence, his voice echoing, “Arr, we have no idea what we’re a-getting’ into in here! All this sneakin’ around is fer the birds!”

“Whatever Waverly has in store for us, I can guarantee that it will be evil, vile, and decidedly violent!” Nippy said, his hands clenching in Monkey/Paladiny fury.

“We can’t be sure about that,” Dragon Wench cautioned, “Waverly must have a germ of ‘Nice’ amid all his ‘Naughty’, or else Santa would never be trying to get a present to him.”

“Regardless,” DeeDee said mysteriously, her deep, sultry voice sounding exactly like Lauren Bacall’s when she said ‘You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow!’ in the movie To Have and Have Not, “we need more recognizance. I will scout ahead.” So saying, her fine cloak immediately shifted colors to match the surrounding ice, and she sprinted ahead of the party.

The others watched her go with mixed feelings. They hardly knew her, and most of them coulda sworn she used to be a Halfling, but the Dark Flames were a welcoming bunch. ‘Daemon-kin, Undead, Everyone’s the Same in the Hot Tub,’ was their motto. Speaking of which, Ned Flanders chose this moment to act on his suspicions. “I shall keep an eye on DeeDee, just to be sure she doesn’t get into trouble.” He shifted to a gaseous state and drifted after her.

The rest of the Dark Flames shrugged their shoulders and continued deeper into the cavern.
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part VII

DeeDee opted to use smaller side tunnels and ventilation shafts to quickly sneak deeper into the cavern systems. She was either unaware or didn’t care that Ned followed her. Soon, she came to a room, the private chambers of her quarry. Three wide-screen television sets were set in the walls, one playing “The Baywatch Christmas Special,” another playing “Debbie Does The North Pole,” and the last incongruously playing “It’s a Wonderful Life.” In the center of the room stood Waverly happily humming “Silver Bells” and working amidst an intricate miniature model Christmas Town, complete with tiny plastic people, horse-drawn carts, and a McDonalds Drive-Through.

Waverly, The Evil Genius. Also known as Waverly the Chartreuse, The Scion of the Three-and-Three-Quarter Seas, and The Lumbago of the Spine of the World. DeeDee was shocked to see this infamous figure in the flesh. How young he looked! Much younger than she imagined he would be. And his dark hair looked so shiny, yet dry and bouncy! DeeDee wondered what product he used to get his hair to look so good. Probably something French.

“I know you are there,” Waverly said suddenly, turning to look directly at DeeDee in her hiding place.

“Well, I knew that you knew I was here,” she said defensively.

“Ah, but I knew that you knew that I knew you were there,” he said with a sly smile.

“Okay, then, did you bake me a cake or something?” DeeDee said, exasperated and stamping her foot.

“How do you like my dinorama?” Waverly asked while his foot crushed a wintry model of a children’s playground.

DeeDee considered the absurd little tableau. “I think the use of existential nihilism in this setting certainly manifests your empirical knowledge of your own irrational nothingness. In addition, your destruction and rebuilding makes clear the sense of illusory reality, constantly "re-written" by the very nature of impermanence.”

“I like you, my dear,” he said like a snake charmer, “Come and rule the world by my side!”

DeeDee smiled in evil delight. “Alas, I have no desire to lord it over the lesser populace, but I would be interested in knowing what power you possess that will help you to accomplish this task.”

“I would be happy to show you,” Waverly said, striding over to a tall curtain and sweeping it aside with a flourish. Inside, there sat a great felt hat, fully 5 feet across.

DeeDee looked from the Size fifty-four-and-seven-eights black top hat to Waverly’s Size Seven-and-a-half head. “This will allow you to rule the world?” she asked incredulously.

Waverly sighed. “I regret that I underestimated you. I thought that you could grasp the obvious implications of this ancient artifact.”

“Are you calling me stupid?” she yelled, power cracking in an angry aura around her.

“You think to challenge me, foolish girl?” Waverly said, calmly pulling a small object out from within his robes. “I wonder,” he said slyly, “have you ever seen one of these?”

Der-Draigon recoiled at the sight of what he held. “No! A snow globe!” She screamed and fell into a quivering heap of tearful woman-stuff.

“You fiend!” Ned Flanders yelled. He had been observing everything and flew out in a rage. “How could you know of DeeDee’s pathological fear of snow globes? I shall drink deeply of your black blood this night, ridding the world of your loathsome threat!” Ned grabbed the hapless Waverly who cowered before the mighty vampire.

“You have defeated me, Oh Vampire,” Waverly said meekly, “May I just have one last word?”

“What?” demanded an angry Ned.

“Salisbury.”

“What?” Ned asked suddenly feeling a touch of fear.

“Yes,” Waverly said a slow smile spreading across his face, “Filet Mignon.”

“No!”

“Ribeye!”

“Arrgh!”

“How about Prime Rib or T-bone?”

“Stop it!”

“Porterhouse! London Broil!”

“No more steaks!” Ned cried, recoiling.

“Top Sirloin!” Waverly roared out. Ned screamed and shifted to his mist-form. In a flash, Waverly twisted a ring on his finger and a frigid blast of cold shot out, freezing Ned’s mist in a solid block of ice.

Waverly’s laughter echoed throughout the chambers of the ice caverns.
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part VIII

“Thar’s the Darny rascal!” Scayde called out. She had just climbed to the top of a snow bank and was looking down into a large, open amphitheatre made of snow and ice. The aurora flashed its slow dance overhead and the stars shone brightly. Waverly stood on a dais near the snowbank, and turned when he heard Scayde’s cursed warning.

“And the rest of the irritants arrive,” Waverly said to himself, but loud enough for the others to hear.

“We’re here ta halt yer Shucksy plans, you misbegotten son of a Fudgy, low-life, Turdy-of-a-diseased-sow!” Scayde spluttered incoherently.

“Er, Yes!” Dragon Wench agreed, not entirely sure what Scayde had just said, “The Dark Flames are here to stop whatever abominable thing you are up to! We’ve stopped you before, and we’ll stop you again!”

“I see your ranks have grown, Dear Dragon Wench,” Waverly said, unperturbed, “and you’re desperate enough to admit even the most foul-mouthed low-brows from any old plane of existence!”

“Don’t you threaten Scayde,” Chanak said menacingly, stepping forward and drawing his great sword.

“Oh, and you’ve got demons amongst you now, as well! And you see me as a threat?” Waverly laughed.

Shooty!” Scayde muttered, “Jeezy!”

“Someone should really teach you some manners, young lady,” Waverly said, touching a ring on his finger. Chanak jumped forward, determined to protect the red-headed cowgirl. Waverly didn’t blink as he quickly touched another ring, causing a golden beam to lance out at the Teifling. Suddenly there stood a statue made of salt in place of Chanak.

Scayde cried out her most vicious curse, “Dammy!” and ran to the attack. Again, a beam shot out from Waverly’s hand, and Scayde’s cursing suddenly turned into bleating. Scayde-the-sheep was a bit confused at first, but soon spotted Chanak-the-salt-lick and began doing what all good livestock naturally do.

“Oh, no!” cried Mysteria, the panic starting to well within her. She saw the sheep furiously licking at the salt statue, and knew that something had to be done before too much of Chanak was licked away completely. She knew that somewhere within her lay the magic necessary to reverse the transformations of her friends, but she wasn’t sure she could control it. Still, something had to be done, and the others seemed to be more stunned than anything else. The wild surge built up and overtook her before she really knew what was happening. In a great flash, the surge was released. At first she was disappointed because Scayde and Chanak remained as sheep and salt. The she heard Waverly’s derisive laughter and she looked to her friends to make sure that she hadn’t accidentally turned any of them into flowers or peppermint sticks. No problems there. That only left one other. Herself.

Tentatively, she looked down at herself. She found that she was dressed in a skimpy blue and white gingham dress, with ruffled panties and white tights. A blue checked bonnet was on her head, and a shepherd’s crook was in her hand. How embarrassing!

Fang was used to his mistress’s strange habit of causing odd things to happen, and was relatively unsurprised by her change in appearance. But deep in his canine mind, something clicked as he looked from Scayde-the-sheep to Mysteria/Little Bo Peep. A voice in his head whispered of the age-old way of the world: ‘Wolves chase sheep.’ With a growl, Fang took off after Scayde, who bleated piteously. Mysteria cried out and chased after Fang, shouting “Bad wolf!”
That there; exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part IX

“You’re a foul one, Waverly!” Thantor shouted, “You’re a nasty skunk! The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote, ‘Stink. Stank. Stunk!’”

“Yes, I know,” Waverly grinned, “but I’ve got really good hair!”

Everyone had to concede this point.

“Look,” Gwalchmai began, “There’s no need for this confrontation! We are only here to make sure you get the present that Santa needed to give you!”

“Santa?” Waverly guffawed, “You expect me to believe that? I have to say, you people were a lot more cunning when you were just a harem to that dweeb Anomen!”

Georgi bristled, but Gwalchmai cut her off before she could respond. “Its Christmas, Waverly!” he pleaded, “Why would we lie? Come on, just take the present and we can all go home!”

“Oh, right. I take the present, it blows up in my face, and the world is saved!” Waverly spat sarcastically, “No, I plan on taking over the world, and what better time than Christmas! I hate Christmas! Everyone is all happy and giddy, everyone getting all the presents that they want. Well, I’ve been burned before, and I am going to make sure everyone knows how it feels to be dissed by a mythical Father Christmas!”

“Why do you hate Christmas, so?” Yshania asked.

“Ha!” Waverly shouted, “You think I’m going to cry my heart out to all you touchy-feely Dark Flames and tell you all about the little boy who only wanted with all his heart to get a puppy from Santa but instead got the Ronco Chop-O-Matic? Well, think again! I’m never going to tell you about that!” Waverly stopped spluttering for a moment, and thought about what he had just said. “Nevermind! Forget I said that! Its time to put my plan into action, anyway! Girls!”

A small troop of Hooter Girls marched in, carrying a giant hat. They place the hat atop the smallest of three giant snowballs that lay a short distance away. “Where the hell is my evil warlock’s staff!” shouted Waverly. He hated it when it was out of his sight too long. Within moments a rather sheepish looking winged Hooter Girl trotted up to the dais, staff in hand. Eyes lowered, and fearful of looking Waverly in the eye, she offered it to him without a word. “If you girls insist on borrowing it, you simply must return it when you are finished.” Waverly grabbed the staff and added, “One of these days you ladies are going to have to tell me what all this fuss is over borrowing the staff and gathering in your upstairs chamber, giggling as you bar the door…but not now, I have much to do.”

Waverly held the staff before him, and sang a strangely jaunty tune. Suddenly, a shower of magical energy spurt from the hat and the three huge snowballs arose to form a colossal humanoid figure. “Happy Birthday!” the gigantic snowman roared, causing several avalanches in nearby mountain ranges.

Thantor gasped, “I thought he was just a fairy tale!”

Waverly laughed. “Impressive, isn’t he? Surprisingly, growing the giant carrot for his nose was the hardest part!” He turned and shouted in triumph, “Dark Flames, meet your doom! Meet Frosty the Snow Golem! "
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part X

“Not so fast!” T’lainya shouted defiantly. She drew from her satchel an ancient elven figurine, and spoke the rune that would bring it to life. Suddenly, there appeared a Giant Yeti, poised to attack the vile Waverly. It leapt upon him, engulfing him in a swish of long white fur that smelt of musk-ox. Soon it had grasped him in a bone-crushing bear hug, cooing to Waverly in a soft voice. “Oh, look at the widdle Evil Genius! I’m gonna squeeze him and pat him and call him George!” The Yeti gave Waverly a great big, slobbery kiss.

“Arrgh!” Waverly squirmed and fought to no avail. He was defeated. Then he spied Aqua-Chan and an idea came to him. “Hey Yeti!” he said, “I thought I saw a Puddy-Tat!”

“Really? Where?”

“Over there,” Waverly said pointing at the cat-woman. The Yeti threw Waverly down and began gleefully chasing Aqua-Chan around the cavern. Waverly smiled a vile smile. “That takes care of ****-in-Boots!” He looked at T’lainya, but his evil glare took in all the remaining Dark Flames. “Now, for the rest of you! Frosty! Attack them!”
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part XI

The colossal mound of walking snow lumbered toward the heroes. With a mighty roar of “Happy Birfday!” Frosty swung his huge, broom-shaped club down into their midst, scattering them in all directions.

Farscape was the first to recover, motioning to Dragon Wench, Yshania, Georgi, and T’lainya to keep back. “Don’t worry, ladies! We’ll take care of this creature!” The words the errant knight spoke came from deep within the most testosterone-poisoned portion of his mind – the part of his mind furthest from reason and logic. Chest swelling with enthusiasm and the steel plates of his armor clanking, he lifted his sword and ran to attack the golem.

Seeing the brave knight attacking the 50-foot-tall snowman tripped something in the other testosterone-laced brains present. McBane, in particular, flew into battle as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him, visions of boisterous tavern crawling (where he would tell the tale of his single-handed defeat of this monster in order to get free drink) dancing in his head. Nippy and Bloodstalker were also caught up in the fervor of battle, and hoped to somehow re-enact their famed Ride Of The Dragon tactic to bring down the beast.

Thantor’s brain also sang with masculine machismo, but another part also niggled at him, suggesting that something wasn’t quite right. He waited a moment, and saw that the blades of Farscape and Bloodstalker, and the axe of McBane, were completely ineffective against the snow of the golem’s legs. He also saw that Nippy’s fists seemed to fare a bit better, making significant dents in the snow. Fingering his Dire Mace, the testosterone in Thantor’s brain won out, and he launched an attack while singing the praises of his goddess, sure that the mace could cripple the monster in no time.

Gwalchmai, poisoned in the same way as those who had joined the battle, hung back. He was determined to protect the women of the Dark Flames, but he couldn’t decide which spell would best accomplish this. Insect Plague? No. Nature’s Beauty? Naw. Beast Claw? Certainly not. Hmmmm.

Frosty, for his part, looked a little confused to see a bunch of guys beating on his leg. Suddenly the carrot on his face began to mildew and decay, being the only vegetable portion of Frosty’s body and susceptible to the dolorous spell Gwalchmai had finally settled on (a rather random selection, to be sure). Frosty roared in rage as his blackened nose fell off. He stooped to gather a great pile of snow and hurled it at Gwalchmai like a giant would hurl a boulder. Gwalchmai tried to run, but the great snowball hit him squarely and buried him with a great “Whumph!”

Yshania stood with her hands on her hips and watched the silly men try to bring down the snowman while dodging falling bits of moldy carrot. “This is stupid,” she said, “Why can’t men ever think clearly?”

“Why should they start now?” Georgi asked rhetorically, though some of her words sounded suspiciously like ‘billabong’.

“Indeed. The creature is made of snow. It should be susceptible to fire,” T’lainya said reasonably.

The girls all nodded their agreement, and then concocted a plan. After a moment, Yshania conjured several Elementals and ran to give the golem their fiery embrace. T’lainya cast protective spells on the oblivious men, followed by Flame Strike on the golem. Georgi and Dragon Wench cast their Fireballs at Frosty’s head.

Frosty the Snow Golem roared and gurgled in the conflagration, instantly melting where he stood. The men were unharmed by the flame spells, but were completely taken by surprise by the giant column of water (that had just been the golem only a second before) that suddenly collapsed upon them. They were all dazed and washed away by the ensuing flood.

This left just four Dark Flames to fight Waverly himself.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part XII

“Your monstrosity is defeated!” shouted Dragon Wench, “We’ve beaten you again!”

“Oh?” Waverly said acidicly, “did you really think that Frosty was the only one? While you have been busy with him, I have been busy myself!” He smiled and held his wizard’s staff high. “Did you really think this is just for show? Sure, the Evil Warlock’s Staff is great in length and wide in girth….” A chorus of Hooter Girls tittered in the background, “But it is also very powerful!” He pointed down into the vast arena of the amphitheater below. The four remaining Dark Flames gasped at the sight of hundreds of thousands of icy golem warriors marching in threatening processions, preparing to go to war against the world.

“So you see? I am far from defeated!” Waverly laughed heartily. “Now, as for you, my delectable opponents…. Did I tell you that I’ve invented some new spells? The first I call ‘Jingle Missiles’!” Waverly grinned like a Cheshire Cat and began the somatic and vocal manipulations that would cast his devious spell, “Oh what fun it is to sing a Slaying song tonight!” With one last gesticulation and a shouted “Ho!”, millions of tiny balls of silvery light shot from his fingers, swirling and eddying before the remaining Dark Flames like a swarm of bright bees. Worst of all, the silvery balls emitted a rhythmic jingling noise, like the harnesses of thousands of Budweiser Clydesdales at full gallop. The swarm moved and feinted, dodging the heroin’s swords and flails. Suddenly, the swarm split itself into enough phalanxes to attack each Dark Flame simultaneously, striking each one squarely in the chest before dissipating. Their protective spells and armors prevented any damage, but all four heroines were thrown backwards into the snowbank.

They arose, brushed off the snow, and then advanced on Waverly. Much to their surprise, he was already working another dastardly spell. A white puff of smoke ended the spell, but nothing seemed to happen. He grinned and directed their attention to the snowbank behind them. “Snow Angels!” he said with glee. Rising from the Dark Flame’s imprints in the snow, four figures stood, exact replicas of each of the heroes done in blues and whites. The icy monstrosities moved menacingly toward the Dark Flames.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Part XIII

Waverly watched with satisfaction as the Dark Flames became locked in combat with their own evil, icy doppelgangers. But he soon grew bored with the spectacle, and decided to wander around a bit, maybe grab himself a snack.

Eventually, he sauntered out the front entrance of the cavern, munching contentedly on a cold leg of turkey. Off in the distance, he could hear the anguished cries from Aegis, still being chased by the belted Hooter Girls. Then he saw it: Santa’s Sleigh. Oh, this powerful artifact could fit nicely into his evil plans! Legends told of the sleigh, and its abilities to fly all over the world in a single night. Its endless supply of Christmas fudge would be quite useful as well.

Rubbing his hands in anticipation, he stepped aboard the sleigh.

Upon the seat, lay a box, wrapped in festive paper and a pretty bow. The tag said, “To Waverly, Sorry about the confusion last time. Clerical error. I’m sure you understand. Sincerely, Santa.” There were air holes in the lid.

Suspicious of a Dark Flame trick, Waverly recoiled from the box. He used the end of his Warlock staff to tap the box. When no explosions occurred, curiosity got the better of him and he tentatively peeked under the lid. A little ball of fur burst from the box to land in Waverly’s arms. “A puppy!” he cried, “Just in time for breakfast!”

“Oh, Wavy! You wouldn’t!” a heart-wrenchingly sweet voice came from within the box. Waverly looked around wildly, then spotted the owner of the voice slowly rising from the box just as the dawn light broke behind her. She was dressed in a lovely silken gown of green, a red ribbon in her flame-colored hair. Her full, enticing lips smiled at first, but then turned down into a pouting frown. “You wouldn’t eat such a cute little furry animal, would you? I was so looking forward to this visit, but now you might ruin it!” Vivien said.

Waverly gaped. Waverly gawped. Waverly’s small heart grew three sizes that day and he suddenly had the niceness of ten Waverlys plus two. His snowy army melted as the spirit of joy and happiness known only to very few men warmed the ****les of his heart. Hooter girls stopped frightening Aegis, a snow globe vanished, a mist unfroze, salt statues and sheep became nearly-human and human again, cats and Yeti struck up a nice truce, a druid clawed his way from under a snow drift, various manly-men came to after surviving a deluge, a shepardess and a wolf started behaving like ranger and companion, and ice warriors stood at attention becoming beautiful angelic guardians of a realm where friends and foes could party like it were 899 Dale Reckoning.

“To the hot tub!” Waverly called out. These were words the Dark Flames didn’t have to hear twice.

They say the party continued well past the New Year.
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Post by Gwalchmai »

THE END



CREDITS/DISCLAIMERS

This story was a work of fiction. No characters, Dark Flames, puppies, reindeer, or story continuities were harmed in the telling. Humor was the only intent. Please don’t hurt me. Besides, I had a little help. DW came up with the idea of BS’s nose becoming so large that it would prevent his bottle of Turkey from reaching his mouth. But we all know about DW’s tastes for the most despicable tortures, so none of us should be surprised. T’lainya suggested the Yeti that would call Waverly ‘George’, revealing a Loony Tune side to her personality that many of us had suspected all along, but none knew that it took on such pathological proportions. The man himself wrote some of Waverly’s words, though taken out of context and manhandled in Gwally’s fit of obvious plagiarism.

I hope you have enjoyed it. :D

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
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Post by Waverly »

:D

Thanks, Gwal
Very Entertaining
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Post by Gwalchmai »

Heh, heh. Glad you liked it! :cool: :D
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Post by Gwalchmai »

shameless, self-promoting *bump* :D
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Post by Scayde »

LMAO !!!

Gwally, what a perfect bump !!!

*BIG HUG*

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(Pronounced Shayde)

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Post by T'lainya »

ROFL I'd forgotten just how great that story is :D
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Post by Ode to a Grasshopper »

Niiice.
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