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Divorce rates

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fable
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Divorce rates

Post by fable »

What is it about modern society that drives so many couples to divorce? Yes, I know all about people marrying young when they're ignorant and hormonally driven, but hell, I'm ignorant and hormonally driven at the age of 50, and my wife and I wouldn't consider divorce unless you paid us a million dollars. And then we'd instantly get married again.

Even thirty years ago the divorce rates weren't as high as they are. What's changed of late? Why are people walking into marriages and out again as though they were revolving doors?
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Post by frogus »

I would like to know how many people are getting married in the first place, proportionally to 'even thirty years ago'...
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smass
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Post by smass »

IMHO the main reason for the high divorce rate is the dual income family. The need for both spouses to work creates a different kind of stress than couples had to deal with 40 or 50 years ago. Add children to the equation and the problem becomes even bigger - daycare and child rearing stresses many times work to drive couples apart. Couples spend less and less time together because of their work schedules and eventually drift apart emotionally.

Another dynamic at work is the rise of the "me" generation in the 1960's and the evolution of this generation into the instant gratification/no personal responsibility generation of today. This lack of personal responsibilty has been discussed numerous times on this forum. In the context of marraige - when you have two people trying to get along in a partnership - but each one has their own goals and issues - and neither one will compromise with the other - you have a recipe for divorce.

The institution of marraige - at least in the US - has become a joke. I have been married for 8 years and my wife and I still have a good relationship. We both work and this fact provides the highest amount of stress to our relationship. We deal with the situation - but I consider myself and my wife to be reasonable people and dedicated parents - we will hopefully be able to stay married forever. Having dealt the the public in my job (retail manager) for the past 15 years I can tell you that most people I meet are not reasonable - and are often downright spoiled and selfish. Its a wonder that the divorce rate is not 90%.

Add to that the realitive ease with which a divorce can be obtained - and the growing lack of any social stigmas against it - and you have a situation where divorce is the accepted norm. This phenomena just gains momentum as the divorce rate rises.

I think that you will find that in countries with lower divorce rates there still exist social and religious consequences for divorce. These consequences are fading in the US every year as divorce becomes the norm and not the exception.
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Post by McBane »

2 of 3 sets of my friends are already divorced. One lasted 5 years, the other 8. In both cases, neither party worked enough with their relationships. As soon as tough times came, they fell apart. It is sad, as I thought both couples were good for each other.

From a broader perspective, there is not as much negative label attached to a divorce. My parents divorced when I was 11 (1978). I come from a small town (20,000) in corn country, and from what I understand, it was a rare, and shocking occurence. I imagine that it is not so uncommon or shocking there now.

The only good thing from my folks divorce was the unwavering determination to keep my marraige intact. I would not wish my childhood (with the parental issues) on my own kids.

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EDIT - @ smass - well put!
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Post by Dottie »

Perhaps this is a consequence of the fact that the economic and social factors that forced people to stay together against their will are gone, but the culture that raises marriage to norm is not. Hopefully the norm will go away in time, creating a society with a smaller number of conflicting forces.
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Post by Bloodstalker »

Well, just from what I see in the aera that I live in, I think a big reason is that many people don't wait long enough to really know each other enough to make a realistic desicion that the person they are with is someone that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I have seen time after time a couple start dating, and less than 6 months later they get married. I am not saying that this can't work, but from mst of what I see, most of the time it doesn't. IMO, the decision to marry should be one that is thought more than it seems to be. I am not sure how well you can really know someone in that short a time span. I have talked to people about it, and the usually say the same thing, if it doesn't work, we'll get a divorce. To me, if you walk into a marriage with the idea that if things don't go well, you have an out is probably a good indication that you need to spend some more time thinking about it. With an idea already in your head that you can divorce, it seems to make it easier to just take that route when things get rough. Any marriage I have seen that has lasted has had some points where the couple went through some very trying times. A marriage is like anything else, it takes dedication and hard work, and a lot of people just seem to think it doesn't need to be worked on. Just MO,

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Post by HighLordDave »

One other thing to consider is that people are living longer. 100 years ago, about 1 in 3 women were dying as a result of complications from childbirth. The incidence of men dying violently or through accidental death was also higher. Before germ theory became widely accepted and before antibiotics, diarrhea and the common cold used to kill people. In short, "until death do us part" wasn't as long as it is today.

The social stigma behind divorce has also been reduced, although I postulate that a major factor behind higher divorce rates is that women are able to get better jobs and the resulting financial independence from their husbands makes them more likely to seek a divorce when they may have stayed with their husbands even 40 years ago. Where a woman may have had to stay with an abusive husband or in an unhappy marriage when the only jobs available to women were teaching, clerical or factory worker, a woman today is more empowered to leave her husband because she is no longer bound to him for basic financial support.
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Post by seraphshattered »

so far, i agree with everything that's been said. it's true that divorce is not as looked down upon as it has been in the past, i think that's a huge part of it.

one thing that i don't think has been mentioned - people get married thinking things are going to be easier for them than when they were just dating / living together / etc. ..and i don't really think that's the case...being married is a lot of work. if a couple realize this before they get married, it should be a good thing..if not..they've got trouble coming..

other than that, i don't know too much on this whole subject, as i've never been there.... :)
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Post by dragon wench »

I agree with HLD.
To that, I would like to contribute that the reasons for marriage have changed dramatically over the course of the past hundred years. Even fifty years ago, though clearly emotional bonding was a factor, people were still getting married for reasons that were founded on the economics of survival, and often it was this that bound couples together. As HLD states.. women have achieved signicantly greater earning power... Domestic strife has always existed..... Before, however, the way out was far less easy.

I would add...... perhaps this seems obvious.... but relationships involve a huge amount of work...even when all the necessary ingredients are in place..... They require mutual understanding, compromise, compassion, patience...and tolerance. It is so easy for one's ego to take over...to forget that there is another person in one's life who is affected by one's actions or desires. Sometimes it is very easy to forget that initial magic, and it is equally easy to take one another for granted. Often it will require something dramatic, like an affair, to shock couples into understanding where they have ended up.
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