Can you proof read a homeowork?

[Craig]

Can you proof read a homework?

This is the first paragraph to a story my class are doing (Not all of us doing 1 story )

The rain poured down, the trees swayed in the thunderous winds and lightning speared the rooftops just miles away. A lethargic van skidded on the slippery asphalt.
“Slow down, Miles!” The obvious concern in his voice rang clear as a bell, even though he was in the back, his small frame wedged against several, tubes. He tried not to look at them.
“Ok, ok. It’s a good thing no one comes out in weather like this; we’re going slow as it is.” Miles said, somehow he kept calm, in the front seat, moving his body awkwardly, hardly fitting into the seat.
“It’s bad as it is, without this blasted weather! It’s the setting to a Frankenstein sequel!” He shouted his frustration loader then the storm.
“Keep it quiet back there,” came a slow paced voice, the full moon shaded his position, but his voice fitted his ratty features perfectly. It showed no emotions, neither body nor voice, not by hiding them but by its rigid indifference. “Check those tubes are cool, don’t let them leak.” His precision with words slotted the letters one by one into their heads, each and every capital letter was heard clearly. They didn’t hear the words; they read them.
“What, are the bodies for?” Came Eric’s voice from the back, the quiet rattle of the tubes momentarily drowned out.
“Classified,” he replied coldly, he was prepared for these questions.

Its a horror story.

[HighLordDave]

Do you want us to offer critiques or correct errors?

[Craig]

Error mainly, but both would be helpful.

[HighLordDave]

Here's the best way to find grammatical errors and proofread anything you write: Read it out loud. Go somewhere quiet where no one will ask you what you're doing and read your work to yourself out loud. If it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't. After making your changes, do it again. The third time, read your paper out loud, this time backwards, sentence by sentence.

If you only go over it mentally, your brain will insert words and punctuation marks where there are none, because you know what you mean to say, but your actual text may appear vastly different. If you have to speak the words, you will pay much more attention to individual details and you will catch 95% of all grammatical errors.

Here is your text. I will put my corrections and comments in brackets.
---------------------------------------
The rain poured down, the trees swayed in the thunderous winds, lightning speared the rooftops just miles away, and a van skidded on the slippery asphalt, despite it wasn’t speeding along.
[This opening is a run-on sentence and it ends awkwardly. You might try breaking it up into several smaller sentences to establish atmosphere and mood.]

“Slow down[,] Miles!” The obvious concern in his voice rang clear as a bell. [Who is speaking? Is the driver speaking to himself? Is there someone else in the car?]

“Ok, ok. It’s a good thing no one comes out in this weather, were going slow enough as it is.” Miles said, somehow he kept calm, thought Eric,
“It’s bad as it is, without this, blasted weather! It’s the setting to a Frankenstein sequel!” He shouted his frustration loader then the storm.
[You have dialogue from two different people here; Miles is talking and Eric is thinking. Break this down into two sentences.]

“Keep it quiet back there[,]” [c]ame a slow paced voice[.] t showed no emotions, not by hiding them but by its rigid indifference[.] “Check those tubes are cool, don’t let them leak.”

His precision with words slotted the letters one by one into their heads, each and every capital letter was heard clearly. They didn’t hear the words[;] they read them.

“What, are in these tubes?” [Who's speaking here?]

“Classified,” he said [word choice; "replied" would work better] coldly, he was prepared for these questions.
--------------------------
You might want to include a little bit more physical description of the people and give them some more personality. You want your introduction to grab the reader and get their attention, but you also don't want to lose them amidst a long sentence that is broken by commas. To establish tension, use a short, staccato sentence structure with lots of active verbs.

Hope this helps a little.

[Craig]

That helped immensly, I've been updating this quite a bit.

Alot of those commas like "Slow down, Miles!" word says that that is a sentence fragmentation. And I wanted it to flow, not seperated, he isn't saying slow down with miles at the end, the "!" is for all of it, maybe It should be "Slow down! Miles," but that way miles isn't exclamated....

[Mr Sleep]

Be careful of trusting Word and it's grammar checker. It is a fickle beast and quite often leads the writer down the wrong path, it would be better to learn correct grammar through reading and observation than relying on Word.

[HighLordDave]

Two things: First, "a lot" is always two words. Second, in dialogue, when speaking someone's name, you always put a comma in front (or following as the case may be) of their name. This does not necessarily interrupt the flow of the text, but you must always use the comma.

Examples:

"Vivien, turn to your left so we can see you better on the Vivcam Live!™."

"Are the Vikings going to self-destruct this week, Flanders?"

In both cases, the comma is necessary, but doesn't necessarily disrupt the flow of the sentence, so you should leave that wording as, "Slow down, Miles!"

You are allowed to use "sentence fragments" (as the spell-/grammer-checkers call them) in dialogue because it's someone talking, and as we know, most people do not speak in a grammatically-correct fashion.

[Craig]

I never speak with total gramatic correctness.

I have kept the comma in slow down. And alot is one of my classic spelling errors(I spelt that wrong on purpose).

[Mr Sleep]

It is considered somewhat of a faux pas in writing to have every character speaking in perfect English. Elmore Leonard has formed an entire career on sharp and witty dialogue, if there is any writer I can think of that one should analyse to improve dialogue it is definately Leonard. Rum Punch or any of his other more famous book-to-film conversions are definately worth a read.

[Craig]

In year 5 I think I wrote a story with an ogre in it, well he didn't speak perfect english. My teacher didn't like that

[Mr Sleep]

Originally posted by craig
In year 5 I think I wrote a story with an ogre in it, well he didn't speak perfect english. My teacher didn't like that

I can't comment on that incident but I assume at that age the teacher isn't worried about diversification in your prose and dialogue, rather they are concerned about your writing as a whole.

[Craig]

Probably....But they oncer said I read like a 16 year old, but since then I've developed a stutter.

[Mr Sleep]

Originally posted by craig
Probably....But they oncer said I read like a 16 year old, but since then I've developed a stutter.

When I was younger I used to do public speaking for a group I was with, apparently I was a really mature reader...now I think I would just mutter my way through and tell too many dirty jokes

[Aegis]

Originally posted by HighLordDave
You might want to include a little bit more physical description of the people and give them some more personality.

while that is true, sometimes, you want to make sure you don't describe them too much. For instance:

"Roger twisted his head to the left, his strong chin pointing towards the door, motioning to Dave to topen it. As Dave moved forward, Roger began to peddle backwards, his powerful legs porppelling him quickly, his pale green eyes darting from side to side as he moved"

Then, compare that to this:

"Judy walked forward, her hip swaying in a seductive manner. Her dark red hair fell over her face, masking every freckly, and twin blue eyes. She walked with a smile, with dimples on either side. Her body moved with an elegance and grace not common in teenagers. Everything from her bust to her thighs seemed to flow together, creating the image of a perfect woman."

Can you spot the difference? In the first one, I purposly left much of Roger's physical features hidden, because it allows the reader to have an image of Roger in their mind, thus pulling them in further, and creating a sort of attachment to the character. In the second one (Which I enjoyed writing ) I described almost everything about Judy. I could ask you what she looked like, and you would only be able to tell me my vision of what she looked like. That creates a very superficial and detached type of character, and doesn't do much to draw the reader in. Of course, in the end it's up to you how you work your characters, this is just a guideline I happen to use.

(Damn, This sprained finger is making it difficult to type! )