The future of New Zealand

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 2:34 am

This is from an Australian friend of mine. Apologies to anyone from NZ in advance.

AUCKLAND, Tuesday: Following the successful disbanding of the armed forces The Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, has unveiled a new bold plan to totally disband the entire nation. In a statement to the world's press Prime Minister Clarke unveiled her 'Great Step Nowhere' plan.

Launching the plan Clark suggested that reports that their armed forces had been forced to say "bang, bang" during war exercises had been the final nail in the coffin for the once-almost-proud nation. For years now we've been doing nothing of value. All our really profitable industries have gone overseas. Music, kiwi fruit, Russell Crowe. After that it's basically just a bunch of sheep and a once proud rugby team.

Even the cricketers are poor by world standards, Clark said. Clark went on to outline the timetable for disbanding the nation following the sale of the Navy's two dinghies and after the Army gives its shotgun back to the British.

In a sometimes emotional presentation Ms Clark outlined the difficulties facing the former country - "Every nation has it's problems but, as the leader, you can always look at some other loser nation and say 'They're worse off than us'. We finally realised that we could no longer do that."

The final nail in the coffin came last Monday when the New Zealand treasury tabled a report that found that Adam Gilchrist's new contract with the Australian Cricket Board had him earning more than the entire New Zealand GDP.

When that hit us we realised that the ship of state was pretty much Gunwale Deep in sediment and it was time to turn off the bilge pumps and move to a real country, a treasury spokesman said.

All industry and businesses are expected to have left the islands by the end of June and all Government responsibilities will cease at the first of July.

Any farmers wishing to remain will do so on a purely subsistence basis with the possibility of a feudal system developing by the end of September. The All Blacks will maintain a training facility near Otago until the end of August after which time New Zealand in all it's forms and pursuits will cease to exist.

When asked how the loss of the entire nation of New Zealand will affect the region a World Bank spokesman called for an atlas.

josh · Post by **josh** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 4:39 am

Gruntboy: LOL

For some reason, we've always seen the New Zealanders as backward. I would like to know when did this happen? I've got nothing against them though.

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 5:31 am

Dunno. Apparently though they've disbanded their armed forces.

South East Asian and South Pacific security issues will never be the same.

Bang! Bang!

Minerva · Post by **Minerva** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 5:37 am

ROFL GB

It is a good news for England cricket team, I think. They will lose one less series.

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 5:38 am

Ripe for invasion.

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 5:52 am

Minerva: I like your thinking.

Mr S: My thoughts exactly. We'll make them pay.

The sheep are ours for the taking.

Minerva · Post by **Minerva** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 5:57 am

Thanks, GB.

I'm honoured.

josh · Post by **josh** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 6:03 am

The last I've heard, they haven't got an airforce anymore. We've got their only biplane pilots. Can't say much about our airforce. Still using 40 year old planes.

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 7:07 am

I remember reading several years ago that they could no longer afford an international service to Radio New Zealand (which I used to catch on shortwave around 3 AM in the morning, Eastern US time). It was not a great loss, since most of the time was spent as a relay for the BBC, with weather updates and identification at the top of the hour. Whenever they broke to air music, it was easy-listening elevator stuff.

I had a pair of friends who did a walking vacation there, for two weeks. Said they hardly ran into a soul, and loved it. Of course, that's not exactly a recommendation for business.

Anatres · Post by **Anatres** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 7:26 am

@Grunt; why did you immediately focus on the sheep?

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Fri Jun 22, 2001 8:29 am

Get lost Latin boy

Are you wanted here?

Yanlee · Post by **Yanlee** » Sun Jun 24, 2001 1:59 pm

It seems the recent cost-cutting to the New Zealand airforce has made New Zealand defence something of a laughing stock, but no one here loses much sleep over it.

@Minerva: we can still beat the English at cricket!

@fable: NZ has some of the best natural holidays and adventures in the world.

@Gruntboy: you may be interested to read this letter that I got from a problem page of a New Zealand magazine on the weekend.

Dear Problem Page,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in a suburb of
Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is
married to a guy from Sydney Australia.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters,
who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a
teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington
remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in
a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been
infected with a sexually transmitted disease. We intend to marry as soon
as possible, and are currently looking into the possibility of opening
our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the
industry, working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team,
although I would prefer them not to continue to prostitute
themselves,at least it would get them off the streets, and hopefully,
the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

Nippy · Post by **Nippy** » Sun Jun 24, 2001 2:10 pm

ROFLMAO Yanlee! Hilarious!

ThorinOakensfield · Post by **ThorinOakensfield** » Sun Jun 24, 2001 6:16 pm

Cricket talk:
For some odd reason I've always liked New Zealand, mainly because I was loved Sir. Richard Hadlee's bowling. That guy was awesome, hence being knighted. I really don't like England, but I loved West Indies and Pakistan. Too bad you can't watch cricket on tv overhere in usa.

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Mon Jun 25, 2001 3:05 am

@Yanlee:

Nippy · Post by **Nippy** » Mon Jun 25, 2001 3:33 am

Do you actually like cricket then Thorin? Do you play it in the USA or are there no clubs? You could be a trend setter and open your own! In the UK there are about 6 clubs in one town!

Nippy · Post by **Nippy** » Mon Jun 25, 2001 3:51 am

I apologise for posting twice but I've just looked at Gruntboys sig. Could people please click on it as it truly is worth it (I'm downloading it now). Gruntboy ask Buck to post this up at the front or at least put a topic up on it. Come on people the cause is really worthwhile!

Well Done for finding this Grunt!

vixen · Post by **vixen** » Mon Jun 25, 2001 11:37 pm

New Zealand rocks. I am seriously considering emmigrating. If you consider that GB has 60 million people squished onto a little island (and NI) and NZ has 4 million people spaced out on two islands the same size, the logic is all there.

Plus all the houses look like a 50s America throwback. And cafe culture rules. And people think you're interesting just because you talk differently. And the men are fit and friendly.

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Jun 26, 2001 1:27 am

Vixen writes:
Plus all the houses look like a 50s America throwback. And cafe culture rules. And people think you're interesting just because you talk differently. And the men are fit and friendly.

But more importantly, what are the women like?

Okay, I'm joking. I married my best friend--but I couldn't help the line.

When you say 50's throwbacks, do you mean the houses all look alike in that drearily depressing suburban sprawl which I've just about lived in all my life?

vixen · Post by **vixen** » Wed Jun 27, 2001 6:28 pm

Originally posted by fable:
<STRONG>But more importantly, what are the women like?

Okay, I'm joking. I married my best friend--but I couldn't help the line.

When you say 50's throwbacks, do you mean the houses all look alike in that drearily depressing suburban sprawl which I've just about lived in all my life?</STRONG>

The houses are all different and multicoloured. I find it all quite quaint.