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True Astrology

Anything goes... just keep it clean.
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Vehemence
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True Astrology

Post by Vehemence »

Have you noticed how astrologers always leave out the nasty
bits? Here is the awful truth:

Aquarius: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. In other words you lie a great deal. You are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make repeated mistakes. Everyone thinks you are a nerd.

Pisces: You have a vivid imagination. You are full of self-importance but have minor influence over your associates, in fact most of the time other people don't know you exist. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans screw small
animals.

Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.

Taurus: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Trouble is, you do it all
wrong. Most people see you as stubborn, otherwise as a clutz. Taurus people have BO, halitosis and fart a lot.

Gemini: You are a quick intelligent thinker and well liked because you are bisexual. You do expect too much for too little and this means that you are a cheapskate. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer: You are sympathetic and nderstanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. People walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will always be on state benefit and not worth a ****.

Leo: You consider yourself a born leader - but others think you are a mouse. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot stand criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards.

Virgo: You are an artistic type and have difficulty with reality. You are kind and gentle. If you are male you are probably queer. Most Virgo women make excellent whores. All Virgos die of venereal disease.

Libra: You are logical and hate disorder. This nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Libras make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

Scorpio: You are shrewd in business and therefore cannot be trusted. You will achieve great success because you are devoid of ethics. You are a social mis-fit and a total bastard. Most Scorpios are murdered, usually in bed.

Sagittarius: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. People laugh at you a lot.

Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of
importance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.

:D
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
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Vehemence
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Post by Vehemence »

Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either
myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote
me on anything; © Copyright (C) 1999, 2000, 2001 Vehemence; all rights reserved;
this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute
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Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
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Xandax
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Post by Xandax »

Dammned - can't remember my starsigns' name in english :eek:

But then again - why should I - all of the above fits me good :(

:rolleyes: :D
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Georgi
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Post by Georgi »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>
Sagittarius: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. People laugh at you a lot.
</STRONG>
:rolleyes:
But I'm not optimistic *or* enthusiastic....
:D
Who, me?!?
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Xandax
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Post by Xandax »

Originally posted by Georgi:
<STRONG> :rolleyes:
But I'm not optimistic *or* enthusiastic....
:D </STRONG>

well okay - and I'm not lucky either - but I'm a drunk :D
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Mr Sleep
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Post by Mr Sleep »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>are a nerd.

Cancer: You are sympathetic and nderstanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. People walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will always be on state benefit and not worth a ****.

</STRONG>
Down to a T :D :)
I'd have to get drunk every night and talk about virility...And those Pink elephants I'd see.
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Georgi
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Post by Georgi »

Originally posted by Xandax:
<STRONG>
well okay - and I'm not lucky either - but I'm a drunk :D </STRONG>
I think that is probably the most accurate part :D :D :D
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Weasel
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Post by Weasel »

Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.
Damn this makes it sound like I'm an *******. :D :D
"Vile and evil, yes. But, That's Weasel" From BS's book, MD 20/20: Fine Wines of Rocky Flop.
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Mr Sleep
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Post by Mr Sleep »

ROFLMAO. let me guess *******
I'd have to get drunk every night and talk about virility...And those Pink elephants I'd see.
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fable
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Post by fable »

@Vehemence, be careful what you post about copyrights, even in jest. I've seen something very similiar to that hilarious astrological sendup, above, and quoting the authors' work while even humorously taking credit may cause problems in the long run.

On the other hand, it is hysterical stuff. :D

[ 06-14-2001: Message edited by: fable ]
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.
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KidD01
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Post by KidD01 »

Someone reply with this one after I ask her sign : "Caution ! Slippery When Wet !" :D :D :D
I'm not dead yet :D :p :cool:
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Armadin of Clan Geddin
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Post by Armadin of Clan Geddin »

Libra: You are logical and hate disorder.
Bah!
Disorder rather be hatin' me.
This nit-picking makes your friends sick.
Bah!
What makes 'em sick be the fact that they can't handle no ale, methinks.
You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love.
All too true! :D
Libras make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Moradin's Hammer, nay! :eek:

"All hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver!
All hail to the bus driver, bus driver man!"

NAY!! :mad: :(

I be likin' the pimp part though. :D It be an interestin' job, methinks. ;)
Armadin Alebane, True Neutral Dwarven Ranger/Bard.
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leedogg
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Post by leedogg »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn ofimportance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.

:D </STRONG>

*crying* it all too true!!!
:eek:
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KidD01
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Post by KidD01 »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
[QB}Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of importance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.
:D [/QB]
Nah ! Total wrong there :) I'm a Cap and those things are all wrong :D
I'm not dead yet :D :p :cool:
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C Elegans
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Post by C Elegans »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>
Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.
</STRONG>
LOL :D I don't believe in astrology for a nanosecond, but this one just nails me! :D
"There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance." - Hippocrates
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leedogg
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Post by leedogg »

Hey KidD whats your B-day

mines the 14th of jan.
my dad and my sons are the 15th

talk about a birthday party! :D :D
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Craig
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Post by Craig »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>

Aquarius: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. In other words you lie a great deal. You are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make repeated mistakes. Everyone thinks you are a nerd.</STRONG>
This is right all bow to the power of Vemhemence
I'm Devious

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C Elegans
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Post by C Elegans »

There was a thread with oxymorons not long ago...Shouldn't the title of this thread qualify perfectly? :D
"There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance." - Hippocrates
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Mr Snow
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Post by Mr Snow »

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>Taurus: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Trouble is, you do it all wrong. Most people see you as stubborn, otherwise as a clutz. Taurus people have BO, halitosis and fart a lot.
</STRONG>

True True :D

All the people who's star sign I know fit the desciption :D
The Present is an Illusion, The Future is a Dream and The Past is A Lie!
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leedogg
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Post by leedogg »

Originally posted by C Elegans:
<STRONG>There was a thread with oxymorons not long ago...Shouldn't the title of this thread qualify perfectly? :D </STRONG>

yes CE, i do quite agree!
:D :D
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