Microsoft Word for Blondes
Microsoft Word for Blondes
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Shhh... not so loud, Flagg! *reaches for the can of hair spray labeled "SYM Formula"*
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
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fable
- Posts: 30676
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2001 12:00 pm
- Location: The sun, the moon, and the stars.
- Contact:
Considering how kludgy Word is, you may be closer to the truth than you know. I recently came across an old issue of PC Magazine when they did a comparative (back in DOS/early Windows days) of *35 word processors.* They were suited to different tasks. Now, we have one word processor, and it does many things in a mediocre fashion.
Bah. I think I'll go and make faces at a Microsoft ad.
I recently came across an old issue of PC Magazine when they did a comparative (back in DOS/early Windows days) of *35 word processors.* They were suited to different tasks. Now, we have one word processor, and it does many things in a mediocre fashion.Bah. I think I'll go and make faces at a Microsoft ad.
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.
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KidD01
- Posts: 5699
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MS Word Thesaurus Test
If you have Microsoft Word, perform the following:
1. Open a New document
2. type the following string "Unable to follow directions"
3. highlight the entire string
4. Execute Thesaurus (Tools->Language->Thesaurus).
Now what do you think of Bill Gates?
[ 06-13-2001: Message edited by: KidD01 ]
If you have Microsoft Word, perform the following:
1. Open a New document
2. type the following string "Unable to follow directions"
3. highlight the entire string
4. Execute Thesaurus (Tools->Language->Thesaurus).
Now what do you think of Bill Gates?
[ 06-13-2001: Message edited by: KidD01 ]
I'm not dead yet
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ThorinOakensfield
- Posts: 2523
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- Contact:
@Kid
Laughing my ... LMAO. LMAO x2.
A stupid blonde joke i heard 5 years ago. Warning very stupid...
How do you tell that a blonde has just used Microsoft Word...There's white out all over the screen.
Laughing my ... LMAO. LMAO x2.
A stupid blonde joke i heard 5 years ago. Warning very stupid...
How do you tell that a blonde has just used Microsoft Word...There's white out all over the screen.
[url="http://www.svelmoe.dk/blade/index.htm"]Blades of Banshee[/url] Are you up to the challenge?
I AM GOD
I AM GOD
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fable
- Posts: 30676
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2001 12:00 pm
- Location: The sun, the moon, and the stars.
- Contact:
This is from an anonymous poster, and has been around for a few years, but it's pertinent, still:
What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass ****pit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass ****pit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.
Further to what Fable had to mention:
I found this on the net a while back:
If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can
is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on
the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same
time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it..
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have
taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in
them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until
their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's
- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them,
so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend
who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,
AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it
appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant
for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode,
or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
I found this on the net a while back:
If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can
is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on
the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same
time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it..
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have
taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in
them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until
their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's
- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them,
so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend
who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,
AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it
appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant
for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode,
or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
