Call Me Dr. Ruth of Amn

EMINEM · Post by **EMINEM** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 1:35 am

After leafing through the BG2 Game Manual, I've come up with a list of spells I certainly would/certainly would not recommend in preparation for a night of intimacy. I gotta say this topic gives some spells (ie. Hold Person) totally different meanings.

Blindness - if ever you find yourself with a less than comely partner

Charm Person - no explanation needed

Find Familiar - by this time you should know where your "familiar" is located

Grease - perfect for virgins!

Identify - "so… is that a +2 cat o' nine tails?"

Infravision - for people who enjoy seeing what's happening

Sleep - whatever for?

Deafness - cast upon young eavesdroppers

Invisibility - now that would be cool!

Luck - some need it to even get this far. "cough" Sleep "cough"

Mirror Image - Super-cool! Just remember to tell him/her which is the real one.

Strength - forget Viagra! Just cast this spell!

Haste - unless you're at work or in a public place, I'd advise against it (but see Non-detection below)

Monster Summoning - sicko!

Non-detection - perfect if you're at work or in a public place

Protection From Cold - anyone from Alaska?

Protection from Normal Weapons - "What the hell are you doing with my wife?!"

Slow - unquestionably THE best spell for the bedroom!

Wizard Eye - you can have your cake AND watch yourself eating it!

Domination - well, if you're into that sort of thing

Improved Haste - same as above, only you aren't fatigued afterwards.

Mislead - in case of emergencies, cast this spell

Tenser's Transformation - same as Strength, but duration is much longer

Simulacrum - no, no , no, no! Why enjoy pleasure vicariously?

Time Stop - Its short duration knocks it down to 2nd place after Slow

Earthquake - create unforgettable memories with this spell

Cure Diease - one can't be too careful!

Animate Dead - uh… I think I'll end here

NCT · Post by **NCT** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 1:46 am

Quite!Now for a topic that will determine what all of us SYManiacs would love to use.That "familiar" is really hilarious,but I can think of a couple of guys that would definately find this spell veery useful.

NeKr0mAnCeR · Post by **NeKr0mAnCeR** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 1:47 am

ROFLMAO!

call woodland beings - if 1 is not enough for you

josh · Post by **josh** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 5:40 am

LOL

Abi-Dalzim's Horrid Wilting - Opposite of Strength.

Khelben's Warding Whip - Err... I'll stop there.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 10:59 am

Deafness - cast upon young eavesdroppers

Just young ones? Or are you into spectator sports?

THE JAKER · Post by **THE JAKER** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 2:01 pm

"Lower Resistance" - um no need to go into detail on this one

Also I like the 9th level wish "all in area become intoxicated"

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 6:17 pm

ROFL

Great post, MM

*sigh* I could really use "Improved haste" - I work a lot these days

Georgi · Post by **Georgi** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 7:52 pm

LMAO

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri Oct 26, 2001 7:58 pm

Let's not forget the cleric spell
"raise dead"

EMINEM · Post by **EMINEM** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:28 pm

Okay, I gotta few more spells to add to the list, Clerical spells this time:

Remove fear - again, a perfect spell for virgins

Draw Upon Holy Might - if only this spell could be localized to one specific area of the body, it could topple Slow from its podium. I've never had to use it, mind you.

Know Alignment - who cares?!

Protection from evil - who cares?!

Silence 15' Radius - scream, hoot, and howl your head off! No one will hear you. Also, orgasms can be faked a whole lot easier with this spell.

Hold Animal - sicko!

Zone of sweet air - if you forget to take a bath before sex

Free Action - make love underwater, or with your clothes on!

Negative Plane Protection - you never know...

Repulse Undead - at some point, women will find this spell necessary

Bolt of Glory - er, never mind...

False dawn - in case you wanna leave sooner rather than later

Physical mirror - cast upon the ceiling and you'll think you're in 'Vegas.

Shield of the Archons - THE ULTIMATE CONDOM!!

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Use Any Item - er... if you're into that sort of thing

[ 10-27-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:35 pm

ROFLMAO

Those are great, MM

Free action - would be something for me

False dawn - I can think of occations when this would have been useful...

EMINEM · Post by **EMINEM** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:48 pm

You seem rather busy Elegans, so allow me to mail you some Teleport Without Error scrolls. Share them with your hubby, and during a certain time of the day (ie. your lunch break), transport yourselves back home and be back to work without anyone knowing you left!

Georgi · Post by **Georgi** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:54 pm

Originally posted by EMINEM:
Hold Animal - sicko!

I think they use duct tape instead...

After all, cleric spells need wisdom...

[ 10-27-2001: Message edited by: Georgi ]

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 7:24 pm

Originally posted by EMINEM:
You seem rather busy Elegans, so allow me to mail you some Teleport Without Error scrolls. Share them with your hubby, and during a certain time of the day (ie. your lunch break), transport yourselves back home and be back to work without anyone knowing you left!

Great

Thank you

(Now let's hope MM doesn't fool me and send some scrolls of Entangle instead)

Georgi · Post by **Georgi** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 7:26 pm

Originally posted by C Elegans:
(Now let's hope MM doesn't fool me and send some scrolls of Entangle instead)

ROFL

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 8:46 pm

Silence 15' Radius - scream, hoot, and howl your head off! No one will hear you. Also, orgasms can be faked a whole lot easier with this spell.

And this way you don't have to worry about casting deafness....or attracting potential spectators......

EMINEM · Post by **EMINEM** » Sat Oct 27, 2001 10:08 pm

Originally posted by C Elegans:
Great Thank you

(Now let's hope MM doesn't fool me and send some scrolls of Entangle instead)

Nah, if I had a choice of spells to send you, it'd be a cursed scroll of Polymorph Into Conservative Christian, followed by Permanency disguised as a Dispel Magic.