Dating tips for the guys
Thanks
But, now we should return the thread to it's original intent: teaching men.
Have you any advice?
Hmm..I have another one NOT to do This is from a date from this year.
"Yeah, I want a lot of children. I'm thinking five. But, thank god I'm a man and will never have to go through that pain, eh?"
I wanted to throw my salad at him at that point
But, now we should return the thread to it's original intent: teaching men.
Have you any advice?
Hmm..I have another one NOT to do
This is from a date from this year. "Yeah, I want a lot of children. I'm thinking five. But, thank god I'm a man and will never have to go through that pain, eh?"
I wanted to throw my salad at him at that point
Dating tips:
It's always sauve to order for her, try: "I'll have the filet, my date should watch her weight so she'll have the salad."
Compliment her stunning green eyes... even if they are brown.
Remark on how striking the color difference is between her hair and her roots.
Flatter her by comparing her favorably to other women: "You are almost as beautiful as my ex."
Let her know it's ok to take things slow: "That's OK, your sister didn't put out until the second date either."
It's always sauve to order for her, try: "I'll have the filet, my date should watch her weight so she'll have the salad."
Compliment her stunning green eyes... even if they are brown.
Remark on how striking the color difference is between her hair and her roots.
Flatter her by comparing her favorably to other women: "You are almost as beautiful as my ex."
Let her know it's ok to take things slow: "That's OK, your sister didn't put out until the second date either."
Then darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time
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KidD01
- Posts: 5699
- Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2000 10:00 pm
- Location: In the bunker underneath your house
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Some tips what women thinks about men
A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know AbouWomen
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know AbouWomen
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
I'm not dead yet
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KidD01
- Posts: 5699
- Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2000 10:00 pm
- Location: In the bunker underneath your house
- Contact:
OK now some blind date tips for you bachelors
Blind date language key
Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English:
---dandy little house keeper:
---She has been married three times and kept all the houses
---fine character:
---She's ugly
---knows how to handle money:
---She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours
---spotless reputation:
---She's ugly
---strong family ties:
---She's a Mafia Princess
---loves children:
---She's pregnant and needs a husband
---wonderful personality:
---She's fat
---great sense of humor:
---She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
---the outdoor type:
---She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys
---ready to settle down:
---She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
---likes to have a good time:
---She gets drunk a lot
---lots of fun at parties:
---Often makes an fool of herself
---mature woman:
---She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
---has the appearance of a young school girl:
---She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
---casual:
---She dresses like a slob
---decorated her own place:
---Her apartment resembles a pig sty
---a great dancer:
---She'll wear the soles right off your shoes
---not overly emotional:
---She only cries twenty-seven times a day
---doesn't chase men:
---She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
---understands men:
---She's been married and divorced four times
---a good sport:
---She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table
---looks and dresses like a model:
---She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds
---been in show business:
---She's a former porn movie star
---traveled a lot:
---She's searched high and low for a husband
---knows a lot of interesting people:
---None of whom would marry her
---wonderful disposition:
---She's ugly
Blind date language key
Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English:
---dandy little house keeper:
---She has been married three times and kept all the houses
---fine character:
---She's ugly
---knows how to handle money:
---She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours
---spotless reputation:
---She's ugly
---strong family ties:
---She's a Mafia Princess
---loves children:
---She's pregnant and needs a husband
---wonderful personality:
---She's fat
---great sense of humor:
---She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
---the outdoor type:
---She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys
---ready to settle down:
---She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
---likes to have a good time:
---She gets drunk a lot
---lots of fun at parties:
---Often makes an fool of herself
---mature woman:
---She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
---has the appearance of a young school girl:
---She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
---casual:
---She dresses like a slob
---decorated her own place:
---Her apartment resembles a pig sty
---a great dancer:
---She'll wear the soles right off your shoes
---not overly emotional:
---She only cries twenty-seven times a day
---doesn't chase men:
---She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
---understands men:
---She's been married and divorced four times
---a good sport:
---She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table
---looks and dresses like a model:
---She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds
---been in show business:
---She's a former porn movie star
---traveled a lot:
---She's searched high and low for a husband
---knows a lot of interesting people:
---None of whom would marry her
---wonderful disposition:
---She's ugly
I'm not dead yet
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Georgi
- Posts: 11288
- Joined: Sat Apr 21, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: Can't wait to get on the road again...
- Contact:
LMAO
How are we supposed to get out of group showers? It was kinda compulsory at my school..
BTW the worst chatting up I have ever heard... in a shoe shop, Georgi browing the Doc Martens
Random bloke: They're nice, aren't they? I used to have a pair of them...
Georgi: polite nod
random bloke: They'd look good on you.
Georgi: runs away
[ 06-12-2001: Message edited by: Georgi ]
How are we supposed to get out of group showers? It was kinda compulsory at my school..
BTW the worst chatting up I have ever heard... in a shoe shop, Georgi browing the Doc Martens
Random bloke: They're nice, aren't they? I used to have a pair of them...
Georgi: polite nod
random bloke: They'd look good on you.
Georgi: runs away
[ 06-12-2001: Message edited by: Georgi ]
Who, me?!?
-
KidD01
- Posts: 5699
- Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2000 10:00 pm
- Location: In the bunker underneath your house
- Contact:
OK here's some shower tips then
How To Shower Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place in laundry hamper compartments according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey vitamin shampoo.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey vitamin shampoo.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it all comes off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you feel a pulse of cold water and momentarily lose water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for any signs of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed skin and rush to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Laugh at how loud it sounds to pass gas in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and leave hair on the soap bar.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain out of the tub the entire time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel and go "Yeah baby".
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
[ 06-13-2001: Message edited by: KidD01 ]
How To Shower Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place in laundry hamper compartments according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey vitamin shampoo.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey vitamin shampoo.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it all comes off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you feel a pulse of cold water and momentarily lose water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for any signs of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed skin and rush to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Laugh at how loud it sounds to pass gas in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and leave hair on the soap bar.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain out of the tub the entire time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel and go "Yeah baby".
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
[ 06-13-2001: Message edited by: KidD01 ]
I'm not dead yet
ROFLMGDFAO!!! That shower one is a classic Kid!!!
That shower one is a classic Kid!!! Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.