Like a Man/Like a Woman...

Vehemence · Post by **Vehemence** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 6:32 am

Originally posted by Mr Sleep:
Ahh but they do a great job of appearing to be Loyal and forgiving all the while stabbing you in the back with a meat cleaver

That sentence would be so much more true if you added some words, for instance:

Ahh but they do a great job of appearing to be Loyal and forgiving all the while stabbing you repeatedly in the back with a chainsaw, before removing your heart and trampling all over it, placing it out in a paddock and letting the six million cows trample on it, then put it back in your chest, all the while smiling away.

Vehemence · Post by **Vehemence** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 6:34 am

Originally posted by fable:
Put that in your pipe and stick it where your cynicism don't shine.

Cynicism shines everywhere, Fable. It's why it's such a successful way to pass the time

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 6:41 am

Originally posted by fable:
Yeesh. To read all the above, you would think the human race consists of two alien species who approach only to procreate and then draw daggers.

I've been married ten years, lived with my wife first for three years, after we dated heavily for two. We're best friends, lovers, and enjoy one another's company. Put that in your pipe and stick it where your cynicism don't shine.

I totally agree with Fable here. All these posts about "men and women" I keep seeing here, make me feel I'm neither a man nor a woman, nor are my husband, my friends, my family and my work mates. And I quite happy for that

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 7:19 am

You should know about me and Vehemence by now i was j/k i love the opposite sex in nearly all of it's forms, Fable if you have a problem with this type of post then i will bear this in mind

Vehemence · Post by **Vehemence** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 7:27 am

Originally posted by Mr Sleep:
You should know about me and Vehemence by now i was j/k i love the opposite sex in nearly all of it's forms, Fable if you have a problem with this type of post then i will bear this in mind

All their forms??? How many forms are there!

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 7:30 am

Originally posted by Vehemence:
All their forms??? How many forms are there!

I meant forms as in fat/thin blue/brown/grey/green eyes etc., not whether they have an adams apple

Vehemence · Post by **Vehemence** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 7:39 am

Originally posted by Mr Sleep:
I meant forms as in fat/thin blue/brown/grey/green eyes etc., not whether they have an adams apple

Er, right.... I um, I knew that!

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 7:43 am

Sleep writes:
You should know about me and Vehemence by now i was j/k i love the opposite sex in nearly all of it's forms, Fable if you have a problem with this type of post then i will bear this in mind

Eh? No, I have no problems with posts of that kind. I just roll my eyes, and think about all the bad relationships people have suckered themselves into based on a prominent bicep, the right hair frosting, or a mutual love for any given music group. Then, when things fall apart...and again...and again...and again...it's always "Hey, the other sex stinks!"

With respect, what a lotta whiners.

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 8:24 am

Originally posted by fable:

With respect, what a lotta whiners.

LMAO!

This kinda reminds me of the sentence

"Your a total ass wipe..... no offence"

LMAO

Fezek · Post by **Fezek** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 9:50 am

This topic looks fun. I think I'll start shouting"Fight..fight..fight" whilst clapping my hands.

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 2:32 pm

Hey, I can respect my friends, while still laughing sometimes at their antics. Goodness knows, it's happened often enough the other way around, to me.

My wife and I also feel completely comfortable occasionally puncturing one another's inflated sense of rightness. She's a bit worse at that--her grandparents were Bavarians, she was raised in the largely one-time-German community of St. Louis, Missouri, and there's something about the culture (without meaning to sound prejudicial) which seems to turn out stubborn, dogmatic folks.

Of course, I get on my high horse, too, but sometimes I look down and laugh. To get her to laugh, I have to tell her the thrust of her jaw reminds me of Maurice Chevalier.

[ 07-31-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 2:39 pm

Originally posted by fable:
Hey, I can respect my friends, while still laughing sometimes at their antics. Goodness knows, it's happened often enough the other way around, to me.

I hear that

der Moench · Post by **der Moench** » Tue Jul 31, 2001 4:47 pm

@Darkpoet, re: Rules for dating my daughter; ROTFLAO!!!! I don't have a daughter myself, nor foresee one in the near future, but I am pasting a copy onto my zip drive for long-term storage! Thank you!

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Wed Aug 01, 2001 10:15 am

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,"Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Wed Aug 01, 2001 10:17 am

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in
their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked;
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a
word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did
you know that I! could cause you profound,
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity? Persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Wed Aug 01, 2001 10:19 am

LABELS FOR STUPIDITY

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Wed Aug 01, 2001 10:35 am

ROFL

I love this stuff!

Darkpoet · Post by **Darkpoet** » Thu Aug 02, 2001 11:47 am

Actual clippings from the classifieds/newspaper:

FREE CHIHUAHUA.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 ****ER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD
PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 - 5-finger, 1 - 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES
WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
---------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE...)
---------------------------------------

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Thu Aug 02, 2001 1:14 pm

Sometimes I wonder about this place....

Vehemence · Post by **Vehemence** » Fri Aug 03, 2001 12:32 am

Only sometimes? Hell, I wander about this place all the time, sometimes I wander over here, then I'll wander over there