This is the thread for such "sharing"
I'll start by sharing [url="http://my.opera.com/DragonWench/albums/showpic.dml?album=37360&picture=2829437"]this image[/url]... I had it sent by my mother-in-law of all people....
The "humour" Redirect thread
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dragon wench
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- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
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The "humour" Redirect thread
Ever get emails sent to you that occasionally contain something funny. Or, you just *have* to share the misery you've been forcibly subjected to by innocently opening your Inbox?
This is the thread for such "sharing"
I'll start by sharing [url="http://my.opera.com/DragonWench/albums/showpic.dml?album=37360&picture=2829437"]this image[/url]... I had it sent by my mother-in-law of all people....
This is the thread for such "sharing"
I'll start by sharing [url="http://my.opera.com/DragonWench/albums/showpic.dml?album=37360&picture=2829437"]this image[/url]... I had it sent by my mother-in-law of all people....
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Hill-Shatar
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LOL! That's hilarious, it's one of those times where you think it should be dirty and remember it's a joke you haven't heard since Grade one.
Buy a GameBanshee T-Shirt [url="http://www.gamebanshee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68975"]HERE[/url]! Sabre's [url="http://www.users.bigpond.com/qtnt/index.htm"]site[/url] for Baldur's Gate series' patches and items. This has been a Drive-by Hilling.
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dragon wench
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Yep!Hill-Shatar wrote:LOL! That's hilarious, it's one of those times where you think it should be dirty and remember it's a joke you haven't heard since Grade one.
I just find it disturbing that it was the mother-in-law who sent it... I mean she tends to be the excessively prudish type. Not that there's really anything all that bad about this, but even so... not what you expect to get from your mother-in-law.... Spoiler
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Okay, here is one good I got from my father few months ago...
It works better in Finnish, but it's fun even after translating...
:laugh:
It works better in Finnish, but it's fun even after translating...
Two guys were discussing about computers and problems they had had lately.
"I had a problem few week ago with my computer in work, so I had to call our support person to see what was wrong. After few minutes the computer wroked again properly.
So, I asked him what the problee m had been. The guy just replied: 'Well, it was one of those ID ten T problems'." The first guy told
"And what did that mean?" The second guy asked
"Well, I didn't know myself either, so I asked him what did that mean. The guy just looked me and asked haven't I ever heard of it. I replied that I haven't. Well, the guy told me to write it down to paper. I did, and here is what I got:"
ID10T
:laugh:"As we all know, holy men were born during Christmas...
Like mr. Holopainen over there!"
- Marco Hietala, the bass player of Nightwish
Like mr. Holopainen over there!"
- Marco Hietala, the bass player of Nightwish
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dragon wench
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lmao Kipi. that's great!
Got another one here I found amusing (doesn't take much for me these days... )
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
*you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
*you get three meals a day fully paid for
*you get time off for good behavior
*the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
*you can watch TV and play games
*you get your own toilet
*they allow your family and friends to visit
*all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
*you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
*you must deal with sadistic wardens
*You get to be "Big Rosy's favourite companion"
@ WORK
*you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
*you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
*you get more work for good behavior
*you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
*you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
*you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
*you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
*you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
*you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
*they are called managers
*You get to be your boss' "favourite companion" if you want career advancement
Got another one here I found amusing (doesn't take much for me these days...
)Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
*you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
*you get three meals a day fully paid for
*you get time off for good behavior
*the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
*you can watch TV and play games
*you get your own toilet
*they allow your family and friends to visit
*all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
*you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
*you must deal with sadistic wardens
*You get to be "Big Rosy's favourite companion"
@ WORK
*you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
*you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
*you get more work for good behavior
*you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
*you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
*you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
*you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
*you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
*you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
*they are called managers
*You get to be your boss' "favourite companion" if you want career advancement
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A Mafia Godfather learns that his book-keeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The book-keeper is deaf and dumb and that was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So, when the Godfather interrogates the book-keeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me"?
The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a gun, puts it to the book-keeper's mouth, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say"?
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
:laugh:
It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So, when the Godfather interrogates the book-keeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me"?
The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a gun, puts it to the book-keeper's mouth, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say"?
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
:laugh:
"The neurosis and the madness of Robespierre or Baudelaire were much more fertile for humanity than the "health" of some "x" shopkeeper of that time." Cornelius Castoriadis(The Imaginary Institution of Society)
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd
I am the (idgod)
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Mr. Pastorius
- Posts: 246
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- Contact:
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dragon wench
- Posts: 19609
- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
This needed to be shared...
[url="http://my.opera.com/DragonWench/albums/showpic.dml?album=37360&picture=3002732"]At the Doctor's...[/url]
[url="http://my.opera.com/DragonWench/albums/showpic.dml?album=37360&picture=3002732"]At the Doctor's...[/url]
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24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. :mischief: Sooooo true........
anyway, here's one of my favorite parts of Chris Rock's Bigger and Blacker stand up show - YouTube - platonic friends
Sooooo true........anyway, here's one of my favorite parts of Chris Rock's Bigger and Blacker stand up show - YouTube - platonic friends
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dragon wench
- Posts: 19609
- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
NEWS of the WEIRD - Current News
:speech:
:speech:Great Art!
Chilean artist Marco Evaristti, serving dinner to friends at a gallery in Santiago in January, presented a dish of meatballs that he said had been cooked using liposuctioned fat from his own body. "The question of whether or not to eat human flesh is more important than the result," he said. "You are not a cannibal if you eat art." (Evaristti is the artist who once put live fish in a blender at a gallery and invited guests to push the button.) [Agence France-Presse, 1-13-07]
:speech:Spoiler
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Now anybody who is stupid enough to ink some sick-ass crap like that on themselves permanently needs to have some kind of proof of mental stability before they get a tattoo. Honestly, I find no humor in anything that immature and pointless.dragon wench wrote:Ever get emails sent to you that occasionally contain something funny. Or, you just *have* to share the misery you've been forcibly subjected to by innocently opening your Inbox?
This is the thread for such "sharing"
I'll start by sharing [url="http://my.opera.com/DragonWench/albums/showpic.dml?album=37360&picture=2829437"]this image[/url]... I had it sent by my mother-in-law of all people....
Official TES: Morrowind forum ex-member. PM me if you want to know anything and everything about Morrowind (it'll take a while for a response).
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dragon wench
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- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
@d-mac,
well humour is subjective, as with anything else
Now, if you would like to be on topic and post something you personally find amusing, than please do so
well humour is subjective, as with anything else
Now, if you would like to be on topic and post something you personally find amusing, than please do so
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TheAmazingOopah
- Posts: 591
- Joined: Wed Jan 19, 2005 7:26 am
- Location: The Lower Lands
- Contact:
a guy walks int a bar, sits and a has a drink, all the time staring into his breast pocket. he has a few more, still staring and occasionally fiddling with it. the bartender cant stand it anymore and asks, "what are you looking at?" the guy pulls out a tiny piano and sets it on the bar. "huh" says the bartender and sets him up again. a while later the man reaches in his pocket again, this time pulling out a tiny little man, who sits at the piano and playsthis beautiful music. the bartender goes nuts, " where did you get such a thing?" the guy just reaches back in and pulls out a tiny lamp. sez, "i was walking on the beach and found this, i rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me one wish."
"man, you gotta let me try it" the bartender snatches it up and sez, "i wish i had a million bucks" about that time a duck walks in, followed by five more. then hundreds of ducks walk in. bartender sez," i said a million bucks not ducks"
the man replies,"you think i asked for a ten inch pianist?"
hope this doesn't offend any bartenders, small musicians,genies, or ducks, as that is not at all my intention, wink,wink
"man, you gotta let me try it" the bartender snatches it up and sez, "i wish i had a million bucks" about that time a duck walks in, followed by five more. then hundreds of ducks walk in. bartender sez," i said a million bucks not ducks"
the man replies,"you think i asked for a ten inch pianist?"
hope this doesn't offend any bartenders, small musicians,genies, or ducks, as that is not at all my intention, wink,wink
an eagle is flying majesticaly over a field when he notices a good size mouse scurrying about. he finds it irresistable and swoops down, swallowing the mouse whole. the mouse, still alive and well, just tunnels on through and pokes his tiny head from the other end of the eagle. he asks, :how high up are we anyway?
the eagle responds,"bout a hundred feet." the mouse concidered that for a moment, then asked, "you wouldn't **** me would you?"
the eagle responds,"bout a hundred feet." the mouse concidered that for a moment, then asked, "you wouldn't **** me would you?"
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Queen_Articuno
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- Location: Hyperborea, the land beyond the North Wind
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ROTF! Man that is one of the best I have ever heard, I still havent stopped laughing!joebob wrote:a guy walks int a bar, sits and a has a drink, all the time staring into his breast pocket. he has a few more, still staring and occasionally fiddling with it. the bartender cant stand it anymore and asks, "what are you looking at?" the guy pulls out a tiny piano and sets it on the bar. "huh" says the bartender and sets him up again. a while later the man reaches in his pocket again, this time pulling out a tiny little man, who sits at the piano and playsthis beautiful music. the bartender goes nuts, " where did you get such a thing?" the guy just reaches back in and pulls out a tiny lamp. sez, "i was walking on the beach and found this, i rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me one wish."
"man, you gotta let me try it" the bartender snatches it up and sez, "i wish i had a million bucks" about that time a duck walks in, followed by five more. then hundreds of ducks walk in. bartender sez," i said a million bucks not ducks"
the man replies,"you think i asked for a ten inch pianist?"
hope this doesn't offend any bartenders, small musicians,genies, or ducks, as that is not at all my intention, wink,wink
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door