Translating Men's Speech Patterns

[dragon wench]

1. "I can't find it"

MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless as to where it may be.

2. "That's women's work"

MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you Marry me?"

MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."

MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"

MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"

MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"

MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."

MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner

10. "That's interesting dear."

MEANS: are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."

MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."

MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."

MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before admitting I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."

MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."

MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."

MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."

MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."

MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."

MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the hockey game.

23. "I missed you."

MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost; I know exactly where we are."

MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."

MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."

MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

[RandomThug]

10. "That's interesting dear."

MEANS: are you still talking?

19. "I heard you."

MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.


I would argue against some of those, but really those two basically describe my relationship wiht every women. Ever.

[Chanak]

@DW: Hmmmm...how depressing.

[Scayde]

LMAO...*Hysterical* ..*snicker* Tears*...Oh ..it hurts

[Bloodstalker]

DAMMIT!!!!! alright, who leaked the code?

[Chanak]

@BS: Back to the drawing board. I really could use a beer.

[Bloodstalker]

Me too...this is dissappointing...centuries of work exposed in a matter of minutes

[Tybaltus]

Originally posted by dragon wench

8. "We're going to be late."

MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

Hey...at least we got an excuse.

[HighLordDave]

I would just like to state for the record that I absolutely do not drive like a maniac; it's everyone else on the road who's a moron.

[Dottie]

Originally posted by dragon wench

12. "You expect too much from me."

MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

14. "You know how bad my memory is."

MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

19. "I heard you."

MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

I had no idea I meant those things...
or so I claim.

[Beldin]

Since this seems to be intended as a helpful thread for females, I'll do my best to further that purpose.

So here's my guide for women all over the world:

• "How to annoy men... "
  
  1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
  
  2. Be ambiguous. Always.
  
  3. Cry. Cry often.
  
  4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
  decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
  
  5. Make them apologize for everything.
  
  6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books
  as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
  
  7. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
  
  8. Get mad at them for everything.
  
  9. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
  
  10. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
  
  11. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face
  value.
  
  12. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick
  trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
  
  13. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
  
  14. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.
  
  15. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
  
  16. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary
  of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes.
  Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
  
  17. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they
  are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
  
  18. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their
  answer.
  
  19. Leave out the good parts in stories.
  
  20. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
  
  21. Criticize the way they dress.
  
  22. Criticize the music they listen to.
  
  23. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't
  know, you're not going to tell them.
  
  24. Try to change them.
  
  25. Try to mold them.
  
  26. Try to get them to dance.
  
  27. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
  
  28. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting.
  
  29. Blame everything on PMS.
  
  30. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
  
  31. Read into everything..
  
  32. Over-analyze everything.

No worries, I like to help - so don't thank me...

Beldin

[fable]

20. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

Actually, this is a very good Way of Life.

[Eerhardt]

Can't spell "men" without b-e-e-r

[Beldin]

I think it'S already been posted somewhere...

......but

1. "I can't find it"

MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless as to where it may be.

So here's (again ?) :

• "Reasons it's great to be a guy:"
  
  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
  Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  You can open all your own jars.
  Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
  Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
  When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every
  shot of somebody crying.
  All your orgasms are real.
  You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  Your last name stays put.
  You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
  Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
  your friend.
  You don't have to shave below your neck.
  None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
  You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
  If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
  You can write your name in the snow.
  Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
  Chocolate is just another snack.
  You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  Flowers fix everything.
  You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
  You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
  You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever
  thinking "He must be mad at me".
  The world is your urinal.
  Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  One mood, all the time
  You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's
  just too skeevy.
  You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
  Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
  adjustment.
  Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
  You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
  With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
  population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  You don't mooch off others' desserts.
  If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  The remote control is yours and yours alone.
  People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a littlegift.
  Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
  You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
  If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
  your other friends you've changed.
  Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
  If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
  might become lifelong buddies.
  Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
  anything different?"
  
  
  Things that suck about being a guy:
  
  The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
  External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
  Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
  you're not allowed to cry.
  Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
  You have to wear ties.
  You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
  "Women and children first."

No worries...

Beldin

[Eerhardt]

ROFL - nice compilation there, Beldin

[Beldin]

Thank you., mate. **bows down**

I try to live up to my reputation...