At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is..................having friends.
At age 20, success is..................having sex.
At age 35, success is..................making money.
At age 70, success is..................having sex.
At age 80, success is..................having friends.
At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants
Success
Success
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Since this seems to be a topic for this stuff..
---------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind
of strangely, (she is, after all, over 80 years of age)
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
---------------------------------------------
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the
doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door.
When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what
he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had
the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured,
why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked
her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no.
But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go
to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and THAT was
the girl he wanted.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the
madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and
asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a
disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens
to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that
I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning
when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have
a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran
over my FROG
---------------------------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS OF LIFE THAT KIDS HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch
the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to
look...For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone is in an aerobics class pulling a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is
due.
5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere
and let the air out of their tires.
6) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Remember the strong oak tree in you backyard is just a nut that
held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why it's good that women over fifty don't have
babies...They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two ounce bag of candy can make a
person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. (THIS ONE IS FOR KIM!)
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means "no-iron clothes."
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. (YEAH!)
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
---------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind
of strangely, (she is, after all, over 80 years of age)
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
---------------------------------------------
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the
doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door.
When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what
he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had
the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured,
why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked
her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no.
But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go
to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and THAT was
the girl he wanted.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the
madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and
asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a
disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens
to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that
I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning
when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have
a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran
over my FROG
---------------------------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS OF LIFE THAT KIDS HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch
the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to
look...For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone is in an aerobics class pulling a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is
due.
5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere
and let the air out of their tires.
6) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Remember the strong oak tree in you backyard is just a nut that
held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why it's good that women over fifty don't have
babies...They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two ounce bag of candy can make a
person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. (THIS ONE IS FOR KIM!)
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means "no-iron clothes."
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. (YEAH!)
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
"Vile and evil, yes. But, That's Weasel" From BS's book, MD 20/20: Fine Wines of Rocky Flop.
More?? OK 
Subject: Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
The only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to
do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.
---------------------------------------------
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course
lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
"Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window
of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed," I warned you to
watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much
that lousy drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice answered, saying,
"Come on in!" When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place
and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A
man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "you've got it, it's the least I can do.
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest
of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly.
Afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No ****! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
---------------------------------------------
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the **** out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right to your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like........ Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
---------------------------------------------
Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Subject: Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
The only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to
do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.
---------------------------------------------
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course
lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
"Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window
of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed," I warned you to
watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much
that lousy drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice answered, saying,
"Come on in!" When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place
and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A
man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "you've got it, it's the least I can do.
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest
of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly.
Afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No ****! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
---------------------------------------------
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the **** out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right to your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like........ Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
---------------------------------------------
Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
"Vile and evil, yes. But, That's Weasel" From BS's book, MD 20/20: Fine Wines of Rocky Flop.
See where spam leads you.. More??? OK
---------------------------------------------
Subject: Noah - The Modern Version
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightni=
ng, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everyth=
ing aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all =
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems.
"First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans
did not comply with the codes."
"I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning commission."
"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the F
ish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on
the Ark, but still no owls."
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and
failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the
earth, Lord."
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
---------------------------------------------
If "Dear Abby" Were A Man...
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he
will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women,
your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is
to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- And it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look
back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him
a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,
so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an
issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no
time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs
rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking
is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing
to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he
cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he
loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking
him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you
in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning
this behavior.
---------------------------------------------
A few things about chocolate.....
Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is
derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is
derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both
are plants, which places them in the vegetable
category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also
contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a
health food.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in
the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and
they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
themselves.
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, the calories actually counteract each other.
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more
chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that
handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with
you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
you?
---------------------------------------------
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
More??? OK ---------------------------------------------
Subject: Noah - The Modern Version
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightni=
ng, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everyth=
ing aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all =
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems.
"First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans
did not comply with the codes."
"I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning commission."
"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the F
ish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on
the Ark, but still no owls."
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and
failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the
earth, Lord."
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
---------------------------------------------
If "Dear Abby" Were A Man...
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he
will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women,
your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is
to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- And it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look
back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him
a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,
so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an
issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no
time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs
rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking
is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing
to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he
cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he
loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking
him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you
in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning
this behavior.
---------------------------------------------
A few things about chocolate.....
Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is
derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is
derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both
are plants, which places them in the vegetable
category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also
contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a
health food.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in
the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and
they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
themselves.
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, the calories actually counteract each other.
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more
chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that
handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with
you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
you?
---------------------------------------------
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
"Vile and evil, yes. But, That's Weasel" From BS's book, MD 20/20: Fine Wines of Rocky Flop.
Yes more...
---------------------------------------------
Chicken soup for beer drinkers!
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her. --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny
Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin
Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza --Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex! since 1862!
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
---------------------------------------------
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(As answered by elementary school students)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? (My Favorite!!)
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
---------------------------------------------
Chicken soup for beer drinkers!
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her. --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny
Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin
Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza --Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex! since 1862!
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
---------------------------------------------
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(As answered by elementary school students)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? (My Favorite!!)
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
"Vile and evil, yes. But, That's Weasel" From BS's book, MD 20/20: Fine Wines of Rocky Flop.
LMAO Weasel!
That's some classic stuff there!
That's some classic stuff there!
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
More
Iraqi TV guide
>--------------
>
>
>MONDAY
>8:00 Husseinfeld
>8:30 Mad About Everything
>9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
>9:30 Allah McBeal
>
>
>TUESDAY
>8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror
>8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
>9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
>9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
>
>
>WEDNESDAY
>8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
>8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
>9:00 Just Shoot Me
>9:30 Veilwatch
>
>
>THURSDAY
>8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
>8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
>9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
>9:30 My Two Baghdads
>
>
>FRIDAY
>8:00 Judge Saddam
>8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
>9:00 Achmed's Creek
>9:30 No-witness News
Iraqi TV guide
>--------------
>
>
>MONDAY
>8:00 Husseinfeld
>8:30 Mad About Everything
>9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
>9:30 Allah McBeal
>
>
>TUESDAY
>8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror
>8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
>9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
>9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
>
>
>WEDNESDAY
>8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
>8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
>9:00 Just Shoot Me
>9:30 Veilwatch
>
>
>THURSDAY
>8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
>8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
>9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
>9:30 My Two Baghdads
>
>
>FRIDAY
>8:00 Judge Saddam
>8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
>9:00 Achmed's Creek
>9:30 No-witness News
"Vile and evil, yes. But, That's Weasel" From BS's book, MD 20/20: Fine Wines of Rocky Flop.
-
average joe
- Posts: 791
- Joined: Sat Jul 28, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: TX
- Contact:
"At age 20, success is..................having sex.
At age 35, success is..................making money."
Are these universal constants or just your outlook. If the former is the case, i'll prolly be an utter failuer, as at 35 i merely hope to be happy whatever my situation. And since i'm all about abstinence, i seriously doubt i'm going to find the love of my life within the next ten months, much less marry her. Not that a guy can't hope though.
At age 35, success is..................making money."
Are these universal constants or just your outlook. If the former is the case, i'll prolly be an utter failuer, as at 35 i merely hope to be happy whatever my situation. And since i'm all about abstinence, i seriously doubt i'm going to find the love of my life within the next ten months, much less marry her. Not that a guy can't hope though.
Totino's party pizzas rock! All a college kid needs to get by....
From Weasel
63 ways to piss a cop off.
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's noblood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a niceway.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throwyourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy medinner first"
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, Ijust ate the last one.
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can'thear you!" 23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask himhow the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five FavoriteFriends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other intongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do withthat.
59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner,suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
63 ways to piss a cop off.
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's noblood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a niceway.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throwyourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy medinner first"
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, Ijust ate the last one.
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can'thear you!" 23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask himhow the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five FavoriteFriends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other intongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do withthat.
59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner,suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
