When Parents Become Children.... (no spam)

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Tue Sep 15, 2009 5:13 pm

I am now in the situation where my father is becoming increasingly less rational.. and I fear.. less able to take care of himself.
He can function, basically, and he is living alone... but his behaviour is erratic. For about the last year he has had prostrate problems, and recently he cancelled a biopsy that had been scheduled several months ago, claiming the doctor was just trying to use him to bilk the system. As a consequence we have no idea as to what's actually going on. While I don't exactly have huge faith in more conventional medicine, I'm not a flake and I do realise that sometimes intrusive forms of medical intervention are required.
My mother died of cancer in 1997, he has never really healed, and I suspect fear and unreasonable paranoia are motivating him. *sigh*

What makes this even more complicated is that it's not easy for me to visit my father and essentially drag him to the necessary appointments. He's relatively close, but getting to him still requires several hours worth of car and ferry travel.

The difficulty is though.. my father isn't helpless, he's more or less capable of living on his own... but it's beginning to feel borderline.
Yet, aside from attempting to suggest and persuade I'm very limited in what I can actually do..

Part of me, after dealing with my father for the last twelve years, wants to say.. "To Hell with it.. I've had enough."
But... I can't..

Has anybody else here ever been in a similar situation?
Any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated.

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:11 pm

Is he very proud of his independence? If not, you might consider whether he would move to an assisted living facility. These vary greatly in quality, but in general can provide a level of 24/7 care and attention that individual relatives can't offer. It's a thought.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:46 pm

fable wrote:Is he very proud of his independence? If not, you might consider whether he would move to an assisted living facility. These vary greatly in quality, but in general can provide a level of 24/7 care and attention that individual relatives can't offer. It's a thought.

My father is the absolute **last** person in the world to enter into any kind of an assisted living situation... *sigh*
He'd prefer to go on a final climb and fall down a crevasse...
(and truth be told, I'm sympathetic... I'd rather kill myself than end up in one of those places)

Thanks though.. it's a practical idea, and it had briefly crossed my mind. Beyond the fact that my father is very independent, there's also the matter of cost. The better assisted living arrangements tend to be expensive... and like many people these days, we just don't have that kind of money, nor does my father.

Tricky · Post by **Tricky** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 1:56 am

Just wanted to add that I'm equally interested in advice. My father (67) is.. getting there.

Last year there was a bit of a situation with a hospital which was only resolved because of my stepping in. Knowing my father and his opinions & issues with our healthcare system, I can see serious problems ahead. Me moving far away to Norway and raising a family there in isn't going to help that.

Fljotsdale · Post by **Fljotsdale** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:38 am

My father had Altzheimers. He, also was a very independant man. He, also was very ... crotchety, shall we say ... and flatly refused any kind of assistance. He didn't think he needed it.
However, he had a very helpful medical practitioner who finally managed to talk him into leaving his private residence - a mobile home! - and go into a Council bungalow. There, he was quite independant, but had alarm pulls, a direct line to emergency services, and a daily phone call from an Warden, just to 'say hello' and ask if he needed anything. In the neighbouring bungalows were people with similar problems, so he didn't feel specially selected for assistance - in fact, he felt able to assist some of them.

Is there any possibility of something like that for your dad?

(I am, however, aware that most people don't have such unobtrusive help. Kidderminster and Bewdley health and housing services are to be praised. Or at least, they were then. Dunno what it's like now).