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For those familiar with this thread, it's time for an ESIV edition...Sorry if there's already one, I searched and failed

Anyway...

Martin: "You know damn well I've dabbled in these dark arts, yet you trust me with the Mysterium Xarxes??"

Staff of Worms follower: "Brains.."

Adoring Fan: "Don't worry, I'll leave you alone. No reason to kill me 100 different ways, whatsoever."

Guard : "STOP RIGHT THERE YOU CRIMINAL SCU.. oh wait, it's the wrong guy"

Anyone in the city "Why are we all running / attacking this guy, all he did was pick up a mug at the tavern"

Any one of your allies "Sorry for jumping in front of you all the time, when you try to attack, i wont do it again"

Quest giver "Yes, i'll take you there myself"
Quest giver "I'm not exactly sure where the entrance is, so i won't mark it on your map"
Quest giver "I don't know how to use maps"

Bandit.. ANY bandit : "Oh my, it's that guy who obliterated two cities! Let's not attack him"
Bandit.. ANY bandit : "Hey there, fellow criminal, wan'a join us?"
Bandit.. ANY bandit : "Since we found unlimited source of Daedric and Glass armor, which are worth insane amounts of gold.. why are we robbing peasants again?"
Bandit.. ANY bandit : "Exactly where are we getting all this new armor from?"
Bandit in glass armor : "Hey, you, glass armor wearing friend, are you one of us? It's hard to tell with everything but your mouth covered.. and my super pew pew armor piercing scanner seems to malfunction"

Jauffre : "What do you mean 'hide the amulet shoulder deep in your colon, because i don't want to be chasing after it later on'? "

Martin : "So all the deadra are after me, does it mean i'm the emperors son? Now that's just a cheap story"

Adoring Fan : "Have you met my busty sister? She's your fan too!"

<random banter>

Hello.
-Hey.
So, uhm.. have you heard the latest Aphex Twin?
-Dude, I stopped listening to that like seven years ago.
Goodbye.
-See ya.

A conversation I've overheard:

Guard: How are you?
Breton Female: Nothing I'd like to talk about.
Guard: Did you hear about Kvatch?
Breton Female: *snort*
Guard: That's great to hear!
Breton Female: Goodbye.
Guard: You too.

(If you complete the MG before the TG)

Dynari Amnis: I know! You could have him steal Hrormir's Icestaff!
Methredhel: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

Merchant: You again! You can just walk right back out of here, No one in Bravil can afford to buy Deadric Weapons - I've had to Remortgage my shop!

Black Horse Courier: Children all Vanished, Council suspects Pedophiles are to blame!

Imperial City Watchmen: No Captain Lex, nobody actually saw him kill the peasants, but watching him moving the bodies around and arranging them into funny poses and descrating the corpses with arrows, did seem mighty suspicious!

Random Person: Oh, I have an apple, where did that come from <bite> Nice... aaahhhhhggghhhh!

City Watchmen: It's a good job people write their names on this stuff, or we'd never know it had been knicked!

Simplicia the Slow: Spare a coin for the infirm?
Player: Have a coin, beggar.
Simplicia the Slow: Me non-existent children will thank ye for yer help.

Count Marius Caro: "You look like a complete ******* moron, so I'm going to explain this to you carefully. They call them 'Black Bow Bandits' because they use black bows."

Skrivva (Taking Care of Lex intro dialogue): "We are thieves, not murderers. That is the province of the Dark Brotherhood."
Player: "But I'm the Listener for the Dark Brotherhood."
Skrivva: "Well, in that case, kill the bastard! That's much easier than what I was going to have you do."

Hirtel (running away from Kvatch): "RUN! They climbing in our windows! They snatchin' our people up! Hide yo' kids! Hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband!"

Aelwin: I'm too old to catch those slaughterfish myself, but I'd really appreciate it if you could harvest the scales for me. And um... oh yeah, I almost forgot, this ring might help.

Belthan wrote:Aelwin: I'm too old to catch those slaughterfish myself, but I'd really appreciate it if you could harvest the scales for me. And um... oh yeah, I almost forgot, this ring might help.

How often have I thought that....

NPC: "..and you can find it at Fort Grouch. I put the location of Fort Grouch on your map. The one in your pants. While you weren't looking. In your sleep."
Player: "..."

Emperor: These are voyages of the starship... wait, wrong script

Guard: I don't care that you killed the Daedra, closed the Evil Portals Of Low FPS, saved my wife, kids and pet rabbit or that you saved the world, you stole that bloody loaf of bread and made me chase you all over the damn map so you're going to pay the sodding fine or go to prison and that's final!

sign in shop: SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE PROSECUTED. PEOPLE WHO NAIVELY PICK ITEMS UP IN ORDER TO BRING THEM TO THE SHOPKEEPER TO PURCHASE SHALL BE HUNTED TILL DEATH

Fargoth: I was so popular that they put me in the sequel

Martin: being an illegitimate heir to the throne would've been so much better if I'd taken that job in Dragon Age instead

Mehrunes Dagon: for the last time I do NOT know Cthulhu!

Sinderion: You picked it!?! Nirnroot is on the Endangered Species List, you fool! What, did you think it would just grow back or something?

vio wrote:Guard: I don't care that you killed the Daedra, closed the Evil Portals Of Low FPS, saved my wife, kids and pet rabbit or that you saved the world, you stole that bloody loaf of bread and made me chase you all over the damn map so you're going to pay the sodding fine or go to prison and that's final!

sign in shop: SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE PROSECUTED. PEOPLE WHO NAIVELY PICK ITEMS UP IN ORDER TO BRING THEM TO THE SHOPKEEPER TO PURCHASE SHALL BE HUNTED TILL DEATH

Thats funny.:laugh:

Any bandit, last words: "You fight like a pregnant cow..."
Our hero: "Yes, but I'm alive and you're dead."

Guard : "Help Im getting attacked by a level 1!!!"

In honor of Belthan's well-played Monty Python reference, a few more:

Count Marius Caro: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up!

Emperor Uriel Septim: I am your emperor.
Player: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Captain Burd: Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for Oblivion is guarded by creatures so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with them and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about the wasteland! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Guard: What an eccentric performance!

Any NPC ending a conversation: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

Elderberry wine smells nice. So does elderflower wine. So anyone smelling of elderberries is fine in my book. :laugh:

Martin: "I'm the emperor now and I have to start acting like one!"
Hero: "Finllay..."

Some Orc: "What are you... stupid? Your a fly so buzz off!"
Hero: "Your not a really nice person."

Overheard conversations:

Necromancer 1: Have you ever raised anyone from the dead?
Necromancer 2: Nope. You?
Necro 1: Not once, and it's starting to bother me. How is it that we call ourselves "necromancers," and we have never raised anyone from the dead?
Necro 2: Let's ask Bill. He's a "Necromancer Adept," so maybe he's raised someone from the dead.
Necro 1: Bah - I heard they just gave him the promotion in lieu of a raise.

Mage 1: Hey, can I borrow your mortar and pestle?
Mage 2: I don't have one. I have an alembric, though.
Mage 1: No, I don't need an alembric; I want to make some poison. All I have is a calcinator.
Mage 2: Did you check with Frank?
Mage 1: Yeah, he just has two retorts.
Mage 2: What about Howard or Olivia?
Mage 1: The have potions and scrolls, but nothing for making potions or poisons.
Mage 2: You know, I think we put a mortar and pestle in that chest over there.
Mage 1: Not that chest?!
Mage 2: What's wrong?
Mage 1: That's got a "very hard" lock on it!

Bandit: I know we've had our differences in the past, but we need to start working together.
Marauder: You're right. I've heard there's been a rise in adventurer activity lately.
Bandit: You heard right. I went to visit my cousin a few days ago, and the whole fort was ransacked! Everyone had been killed, and all their valuables taken!
Marauder: No!
Bandit: Without question.