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Call Me Dr. Ruth of Amn

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 1:35 am
by EMINEM
After leafing through the BG2 Game Manual, I've come up with a list of spells I certainly would/certainly would not recommend in preparation for a night of intimacy. I gotta say this topic gives some spells (ie. Hold Person) totally different meanings.


Blindness - if ever you find yourself with a less than comely partner

Charm Person - no explanation needed

Find Familiar - by this time you should know where your "familiar" is located

Grease - perfect for virgins!

Identify - "so… is that a +2 cat o' nine tails?"

Infravision - for people who enjoy seeing what's happening

Sleep - whatever for?

Deafness - cast upon young eavesdroppers

Invisibility - now that would be cool!

Luck - some need it to even get this far. "cough" Sleep "cough"

Mirror Image - Super-cool! Just remember to tell him/her which is the real one.

Strength - forget Viagra! Just cast this spell!

Haste - unless you're at work or in a public place, I'd advise against it (but see Non-detection below)

Monster Summoning - sicko!

Non-detection - perfect if you're at work or in a public place

Protection From Cold - anyone from Alaska?

Protection from Normal Weapons - "What the hell are you doing with my wife?!"

Slow - unquestionably THE best spell for the bedroom!

Wizard Eye - you can have your cake AND watch yourself eating it!

Domination - well, if you're into that sort of thing

Improved Haste - same as above, only you aren't fatigued afterwards.

Mislead - in case of emergencies, cast this spell

Tenser's Transformation - same as Strength, but duration is much longer

Simulacrum - no, no , no, no! Why enjoy pleasure vicariously?

Time Stop - Its short duration knocks it down to 2nd place after Slow

Earthquake - create unforgettable memories with this spell

Cure Diease - one can't be too careful!

Animate Dead - uh… I think I'll end here

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 1:46 am
by NCT
Quite!Now for a topic that will determine what all of us SYManiacs would love to use.That "familiar" is really hilarious,but I can think of a couple of guys that would definately find this spell veery useful.

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 1:47 am
by NeKr0mAnCeR
ROFLMAO! :D

call woodland beings - if 1 is not enough for you :D

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 5:40 am
by josh
LOL :D

Abi-Dalzim's Horrid Wilting - Opposite of Strength.

Khelben's Warding Whip - Err... I'll stop there.

:D

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 10:59 am
by dragon wench
Deafness - cast upon young eavesdroppers
Just young ones? Or are you into spectator sports? :eek: ;) :D

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 2:01 pm
by THE JAKER
"Lower Resistance" - um no need to go into detail on this one :D

Also I like the 9th level wish "all in area become intoxicated" :D

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 6:17 pm
by C Elegans
ROFL :D :D :D

Great post, MM :D

*sigh* I could really use "Improved haste" - I work a lot these days ;)

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 7:52 pm
by Georgi
LMAO :D

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2001 7:58 pm
by dragon wench
Let's not forget the cleric spell
"raise dead"

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:28 pm
by EMINEM
Okay, I gotta few more spells to add to the list, Clerical spells this time:


Remove fear - again, a perfect spell for virgins

Draw Upon Holy Might - if only this spell could be localized to one specific area of the body, it could topple Slow from its podium. I've never had to use it, mind you. :rolleyes:

Know Alignment - who cares?!

Protection from evil - who cares?!

Silence 15' Radius - scream, hoot, and howl your head off! No one will hear you. Also, orgasms can be faked a whole lot easier with this spell.

Hold Animal - sicko!

Zone of sweet air - if you forget to take a bath before sex

Free Action - make love underwater, or with your clothes on!

Negative Plane Protection - you never know...

Repulse Undead - at some point, women will find this spell necessary

Bolt of Glory - er, never mind...

False dawn - in case you wanna leave sooner rather than later

Physical mirror - cast upon the ceiling and you'll think you're in 'Vegas.

Shield of the Archons - THE ULTIMATE CONDOM!!

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Use Any Item - er... if you're into that sort of thing

[ 10-27-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:35 pm
by C Elegans
ROFLMAO :D :D :D

Those are great, MM :D

Free action - would be something for me :)

False dawn - I can think of occations when this would have been useful... :rolleyes:

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:48 pm
by EMINEM
You seem rather busy Elegans, so allow me to mail you some Teleport Without Error scrolls. Share them with your hubby, and during a certain time of the day (ie. your lunch break), transport yourselves back home and be back to work without anyone knowing you left!
:)

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:54 pm
by Georgi
Originally posted by EMINEM:
<STRONG>Hold Animal - sicko!</STRONG>
I think they use duct tape instead... :eek: :D

After all, cleric spells need wisdom... :D

[ 10-27-2001: Message edited by: Georgi ]

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 7:24 pm
by C Elegans
Originally posted by EMINEM:
<STRONG>You seem rather busy Elegans, so allow me to mail you some Teleport Without Error scrolls. Share them with your hubby, and during a certain time of the day (ie. your lunch break), transport yourselves back home and be back to work without anyone knowing you left!
:) </STRONG>
Great :) Thank you :) :D

(Now let's hope MM doesn't fool me and send some scrolls of Entangle instead)
:D

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 7:26 pm
by Georgi
Originally posted by C Elegans:
<STRONG>(Now let's hope MM doesn't fool me and send some scrolls of Entangle instead)
:D </STRONG>
ROFL :D :D :D

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 8:46 pm
by dragon wench
Silence 15' Radius - scream, hoot, and howl your head off! No one will hear you. Also, orgasms can be faked a whole lot easier with this spell.
And this way you don't have to worry about casting deafness....or attracting potential spectators...... :D

Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2001 10:08 pm
by EMINEM
Originally posted by C Elegans:
<STRONG>Great :) Thank you :) :D

(Now let's hope MM doesn't fool me and send some scrolls of Entangle instead)
:D </STRONG>
Nah, if I had a choice of spells to send you, it'd be a cursed scroll of Polymorph Into Conservative Christian, followed by Permanency disguised as a Dispel Magic. :D