I'm very sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation, and I hope things get better for you soon.
I was suicidal a long time ago. I didn't really want to end my own life, but I felt like there was no hope for the future and I felt like I would be better off (so to speak) if I didn't even exist. I don't know if I could explain how I managed to overcome that feeling. No amount of medication or therapy was helpful to me. I simply found the will to live one day. In some ways, you might say I traded some of my dreams and ambitions for happiness and peace of mind. I decided to stop feeling like my life would be pointless if I didn't get everything I wanted. I put myself in a state of mind in which I believed that my life had value and meaning even if I was a miserable failure or even if my life was full of pain. That in itself made a lot of the pain go away.
A life unfulfilled or an unhappy life isn't the worst thing in the world. What we get in life depends to a great extent on pure luck. Like being born into a good family. Having a healthy body. Knowing what to do with your life. Not having to deal with so many obstacles. It's really all just luck. You can't blame yourself for the situation you're in now. It's not right and it's not fair. But I believe that your life still has meaning and value. Life is an end itself. Being alive is a GOOD thing. You won't make anything better by hurting yourself.
Do you want to live a long life? Do you know what you want out of life? If you think about those things, maybe you'll agree that there are two different things involved: on the one hand, your life is an end itself, and on the other hand, everything else is something that we think gives our lives "meaning". But I don't think the latter is ever as important as the former. Personally, I can never believe that life isn't worth living just because I can't find some "thing" that gives it "meaning". You never know what you're going to get, so simply being alive gives you the chance to do anything that's possible for you. If you make a list of all the things you CAN do, they might not be the same things you WISH you could do, but that doesn't diminish your life's value. You might find that you can make yourself happy after all if you change your perspective and change your goals.
It worked for me. When I was on the verge of suicide, I dropped out of grad school and changed my career plans. It was tough to make that adjustment, but I got through it and now I'm happy with my life even though I gave up some of my dreams. I've had new opportunities I'd never dreamed of, and I've found ways to help other people that make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. I've been lucky, and I know it.
A friend of mine passed away recently, and I still can't term to terms with what she went through before she died. She learned that she had cancer a little less than a year ago, and we were all afraid it would kill her. To our great relief, a relatively simple operation removed the cancer. But unfortunately, there were some unforeseen complications unrelated to the cancer, and she had to spend the next few months in the hospital. It just didn't seem fair. She wanted to go home, but she couldn't. She begged me to take her home, but I knew she might die if I did. She was the kind of person who had the amazing ability to make other people feel great even when she was down, but she was never able to cheer herself up, and I wasn't able to help her feel any better. It was a very depressing situation. After a few months, things started to get better. Just when all of us thought she had turned the corner and we started making plans to bring her home, she had a stroke and died. We were completely blindsided by it, since the stroke was unexpected. Having surgery, beating cancer, spending months in the hospital recovering--we couldn't see anything good about it anymore.
I console myself by saying, "It was her time." She didn't die in a freak accident, she wasn't killed by a curable disease, and she didn't take her own life (as she had threatened to). And at least we'd had the chance to spend some time with her. What I can't come to terms with is the way she suffered while she was in the hospital. She wasn't mistreated and she didn't suffer much physical pain; but she was scared the whole time, she suffered from clinical depression, and she felt like a prisoner.
That's why I have a lot of sympathy for you. I'd like to think that things will get better for you. I like to think that if you hang in there, you'll be alright. I hope you can find some answers, and I hope you can find some ways to feel good about yourself. I don't know if you'll feel happy to be alive (even when I'm healthy, I can't really say I'm "happy" to be alive), but I hope you can convince yourself that being alive is a GOOD thing. Death doesn't make anything better for anybody. Maybe someday you'll get a chance to seize the day. Or maybe you'll be happy just because you can go home. In this unlucky world, you can't expect too much. But there's a reason why people want to live even if they can't tell you why. When I see someone die, I wish there was a way to give their life back to them. Being alive makes all the difference in the world.
