The Experts Advice On How To Kill A PC...
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 9:51 am
This article is in Issue 113 of Computeractive (their website http://www.computeractive.co.uk)
"Talk to any help desk operator about the joys of computer support and they will regale you with stories of how everyday incompetence makes their lives a misery. But then they probably don't get out as much as they should. Besides which, if computers worked the way they were supposed to, helpdesk operators would be out of a job and we would all keep our sanity (and reduce our phone bills)
Simple carelessness, however, is seldom sufficient to cause a serious computer catastrophe. If you really want to stump a helpdesk operator, irreparably damage your pc or simply inflict personal injury, you need a little know-how and determination. So with this in mind Computeractive presents an unlucky 13 ways guaranteed to cause untold hardware havoc and self harm. Now you have no excuse for upgrading your hardware in a sloppy and inept manner. By following the advice presented here, you can achieve levels of incompetence hithertoo only attained by Railtrack executives and football managers."
1. I'll warrant that many of you have never seen the northern lights nor indulged in strong hallucinogenic drugs. But no matter, you can experience markedly similar results right here at your desktop with the aid of a small magnet. Just slide it in great swirls across your monitor screen to deflect the electron beams within and make pretty, psychedelic pictures. Sadly, most monitors automatically degauss every time they are switched off and on but you can easily defeat such self healing properties by leaving it permanently powered up. Stick a few fridge magnets around the monitor housing to keep those electrons dancing around the clock.
Damage Potential:
PC: Usually temporary
You: Small risk of kaftan wearing
2. There's a dubious theory that switching on a cold computer may cause the delicate components to crack, splinter or otherwise give up the ghost during the warm up process. If only it were that easy. We prefer the more reliable method of killing a computer with kindness.
The trick is to keep it warm. Prolonged exposure to sunlight, such as near a patio door, works a treat but it's effectiveness is - for obvious reasons - limited to the summer and daylight hours. The proper solution for the longer winter months is to just plonk your pc next to a really hot radiator and wait for the internal air temperature to rise inexorably. Eventually, your computer will melt but in the meantime it makes a really cosy foot stool
Damage Potential:
PC: May vaporise
You: May burn your toes
3. While we're on the subject of electricity, you (presumably) know that sparks fly whenever it meets with liquid. This knowledge can be put to good use in a number of ways, particularly if you are partial to refreshment while you work. Disaster will inevitably strike given time but to goad things along a bit, you can try ensnaring your mug in a lasso-style loop using the mouse cable or drinking only superheated coffee in plastic cups.
Sooner or later it will spill, drenching the entire computer if you position it carefully beneath your desk or at the very least the keyboard. If your sticky keys remain usable at this stage, just rinse the keyboard under the tap to complete the job. This tecnigue works best with notebooks incidentally.
Damage Potential:
PC: High, but requires accuracy
You: Embarrassing stains on your trousers
There are more to come...
If anyone would like to share their real life catastrophies - please feel free
Disclaimer - please wait for the moral of the story before proceeding to try any of this at home
"Talk to any help desk operator about the joys of computer support and they will regale you with stories of how everyday incompetence makes their lives a misery. But then they probably don't get out as much as they should. Besides which, if computers worked the way they were supposed to, helpdesk operators would be out of a job and we would all keep our sanity (and reduce our phone bills)
Simple carelessness, however, is seldom sufficient to cause a serious computer catastrophe. If you really want to stump a helpdesk operator, irreparably damage your pc or simply inflict personal injury, you need a little know-how and determination. So with this in mind Computeractive presents an unlucky 13 ways guaranteed to cause untold hardware havoc and self harm. Now you have no excuse for upgrading your hardware in a sloppy and inept manner. By following the advice presented here, you can achieve levels of incompetence hithertoo only attained by Railtrack executives and football managers."
1. I'll warrant that many of you have never seen the northern lights nor indulged in strong hallucinogenic drugs. But no matter, you can experience markedly similar results right here at your desktop with the aid of a small magnet. Just slide it in great swirls across your monitor screen to deflect the electron beams within and make pretty, psychedelic pictures. Sadly, most monitors automatically degauss every time they are switched off and on but you can easily defeat such self healing properties by leaving it permanently powered up. Stick a few fridge magnets around the monitor housing to keep those electrons dancing around the clock.
Damage Potential:
PC: Usually temporary
You: Small risk of kaftan wearing
2. There's a dubious theory that switching on a cold computer may cause the delicate components to crack, splinter or otherwise give up the ghost during the warm up process. If only it were that easy. We prefer the more reliable method of killing a computer with kindness.
The trick is to keep it warm. Prolonged exposure to sunlight, such as near a patio door, works a treat but it's effectiveness is - for obvious reasons - limited to the summer and daylight hours. The proper solution for the longer winter months is to just plonk your pc next to a really hot radiator and wait for the internal air temperature to rise inexorably. Eventually, your computer will melt but in the meantime it makes a really cosy foot stool
Damage Potential:
PC: May vaporise
You: May burn your toes
3. While we're on the subject of electricity, you (presumably) know that sparks fly whenever it meets with liquid. This knowledge can be put to good use in a number of ways, particularly if you are partial to refreshment while you work. Disaster will inevitably strike given time but to goad things along a bit, you can try ensnaring your mug in a lasso-style loop using the mouse cable or drinking only superheated coffee in plastic cups.
Sooner or later it will spill, drenching the entire computer if you position it carefully beneath your desk or at the very least the keyboard. If your sticky keys remain usable at this stage, just rinse the keyboard under the tap to complete the job. This tecnigue works best with notebooks incidentally.
Damage Potential:
PC: High, but requires accuracy
You: Embarrassing stains on your trousers
There are more to come...
If anyone would like to share their real life catastrophies - please feel free
Disclaimer - please wait for the moral of the story before proceeding to try any of this at home