Relatives can be so weird...
Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 5:52 am
Appearing due to popular request, brought to you live and unplugged from Ode to a Grasshopper's tropical island hideaway, ladies and gentlemen (and Weasels) I give you...The Aunty Wezzy Tales. These tales are 100% true and not exaggerated in any way.
Firstly, my aunty's name is Wendy-Anne, not Wezzy, it's just one of those stupid names you come up with for your relatives when you're a kid. In this case the name stuck. These stories all take place about three years ago, when my family and I went on holiday in the UAE (United Arab Emirates). Aunty Wezzy and Uncle Peter have since returned to Australia and live less than 20 minutes away from us (though their address remains a mystery of such great import that my grandma has been ordered explicitly not to tell us), however in the months since they have been back they have not once contacted us and go out of their way to avoid my family, even going so far as to hide in a corner of our local library to avoid having contact with us upon seeing us getting out some books.
---------------Duke------------------
Duke was the name of the potted plant my aunty and uncle kept as a "pet" in Arabia. As my aunty is infertile and they have not adopted they do not have any children, and as they lived in an apartment they weren't allowed to have any animals in the building. So they got Duke, a large potted plant which at first I thought was plastic. Duke lived right beside the kitchen door, which also happened to be right besides the stairs that led to the bedrooms and the toilet. As there were five of us staying with my aunt and uncle, those stairs were in pretty frequent use, as was the kitchen. The first hint I got that Duke wasn't plastic was when 'his' leaves started to go brown and curl up around the edges. Naturally my aunt and uncle were somewhat concerned and more than a little perplexed at what could be happening to their "baby". They eventually discovered, much to their horror, that the reason behind Duke's distress was that every time someone passed him by on their way upstairs or into the kitchen, they would brush against his fronds in their passage.
This obviously had to stop. So my aunt and uncle called a family gathering and told us what was happening and then requested that we go out of our way to avoid contact with Duke. When my mother pointed out that if Duke were moved back a little (about 10 centimeters, no more) the problem would be solved, my aunt huffily pointed out that Duke had been there first and why should he have to move just to accomodate the five of us. This was Duke's house, we were told, and we were merely guests; why then should Duke the potted plant be forced into an unfamiliar position simply because he happened to be blocking a central point in the house? We would just have to walk around him.
Needless to say, when my aunt and uncle were out of the house, or even had their back turned, Duke received hails of make-believe machine gun fire, rocket launcher fire, hand grenades, and even tank-mortars. The only problem with that was that when we were eventually discovered we were told by a teary aunty Wezzy to stop it because we were hurting Duke's feelings and made to apologize to Duke.
EDIT-I'll post the rest of the stories as I finish typing them. In the meantime, please feel free to post your own weird relative stories.
Firstly, my aunty's name is Wendy-Anne, not Wezzy, it's just one of those stupid names you come up with for your relatives when you're a kid. In this case the name stuck. These stories all take place about three years ago, when my family and I went on holiday in the UAE (United Arab Emirates). Aunty Wezzy and Uncle Peter have since returned to Australia and live less than 20 minutes away from us (though their address remains a mystery of such great import that my grandma has been ordered explicitly not to tell us), however in the months since they have been back they have not once contacted us and go out of their way to avoid my family, even going so far as to hide in a corner of our local library to avoid having contact with us upon seeing us getting out some books.
---------------Duke------------------
Duke was the name of the potted plant my aunty and uncle kept as a "pet" in Arabia. As my aunty is infertile and they have not adopted they do not have any children, and as they lived in an apartment they weren't allowed to have any animals in the building. So they got Duke, a large potted plant which at first I thought was plastic. Duke lived right beside the kitchen door, which also happened to be right besides the stairs that led to the bedrooms and the toilet. As there were five of us staying with my aunt and uncle, those stairs were in pretty frequent use, as was the kitchen. The first hint I got that Duke wasn't plastic was when 'his' leaves started to go brown and curl up around the edges. Naturally my aunt and uncle were somewhat concerned and more than a little perplexed at what could be happening to their "baby". They eventually discovered, much to their horror, that the reason behind Duke's distress was that every time someone passed him by on their way upstairs or into the kitchen, they would brush against his fronds in their passage.
This obviously had to stop. So my aunt and uncle called a family gathering and told us what was happening and then requested that we go out of our way to avoid contact with Duke. When my mother pointed out that if Duke were moved back a little (about 10 centimeters, no more) the problem would be solved, my aunt huffily pointed out that Duke had been there first and why should he have to move just to accomodate the five of us. This was Duke's house, we were told, and we were merely guests; why then should Duke the potted plant be forced into an unfamiliar position simply because he happened to be blocking a central point in the house? We would just have to walk around him.
Needless to say, when my aunt and uncle were out of the house, or even had their back turned, Duke received hails of make-believe machine gun fire, rocket launcher fire, hand grenades, and even tank-mortars. The only problem with that was that when we were eventually discovered we were told by a teary aunty Wezzy to stop it because we were hurting Duke's feelings and made to apologize to Duke.
EDIT-I'll post the rest of the stories as I finish typing them. In the meantime, please feel free to post your own weird relative stories.