GameBanshee Forums

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is an annual writing contest of the WORST opening to a novel, inspired by Lord Lytton's famous opening paragraph in "Paul Clifford," universally regarded as the worst of its kind ever penned:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell down in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Anyway, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest became so popular that Penguin published a collection of the best/worst submissions from across the country.

I think that J.R.R. Tolkien, the author and perfecter of our faith, deserves the tribute of a similar parody, based instead on the famous opening lines of his first masterpiece, "The Hobbit:"

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty wet hole filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat; it was a hobbit hole, and that means comfort."


Here are a couple parodies I came up with:

1. The “Possible Spoiler” Hobbit Opening

Bilbo Baggins (who in this book finds the One Ring of the Dark Lord and later confers it upon his nephew Frodo, who casts its into the fires of Mount Doom, unmaking said Dark Lord and allowing King Aragorn of Gondor to lead the men of Rohan and Minas Tirith against the hosts of Mordor, thus ending the Third Age and hastening the departure of Elves from Middle Earth) lived in a comfortable hole in the ground.


2. The “Politically Correct” Hobbit Opening

Inside an eco-friendly subterranean residence lived a vertically challenged person with pro-corpulent tendencies. Now this residence displayed neither the material opulence of the socially privileged nor the spartan austerity of the economically disadvantaged. It was a housing unit, and that meant a roof over one’s head.



[ 05-26-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

ROTFLMAO @EMINEM

Okay, let me think...

There's also a [url="http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/"]website[/url] for anyone who wants to see some of the winners

I sorry, fable, but I just couldn't resist! Your erudition and fluid writing style are just too good to pass up on a parody.


The "fable" Hobbit Opening:

A faerie-like creature with cherubic lineaments and a temperment to match lived contentedly in a smiling universe whose boundaries were no larger than a hole in the ground absent of any worms or related invertebrate, living or dessicated, belonging to the class phylum Annelida, Platyhelminthes or Nematoda.




[ 05-26-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

Hee! I got a kick out of that, Eminem. As the I Ching says, No blame attaches.

I've got one for you.

The Eminem Hobbit Opening:

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty wet hole filled with free-loading social welfare types, prominent leftwing activitists or proto-Communist Democratic leeches; no, it was a hobbit hole, with five bedrooms, six baths, a large dining room for Republican fundraisers, and a tunnel that somehow always ran to the right of everything you passed, no matter which way you turned.

All right, I've got one:
The Bill Clinton-esque Hobbit Opening:

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Of course, it all depends on how you define "hole in the ground," and how you define words like "lived." What kind of dwelling was this? How should I know? I'm only going to tell you this one more time: I never was in a hobbit dwelling. I never saw that hobbit -- Biblo Baggins -- I did not ever approach any such place. Would I lie to the American people?"

M&M, that was actually funny.

fable, my admiration for your continues to grow. It's amazing (scary?) how a few written messages on a public forum can provide complete strangers near-perfect insight into your very character.


loner, I... did not... have... sexual relations with that hobbit, Bilbo Baggins.
He offered me vintage pipeweed... and when I understood what he was REALLY talking about, I left his home immediately.



[ 05-27-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

But I never inhaled the pipeweed.

"The Gamebanshee Forum Member Hobbit Opening"

In a dim, windowless cubicle there was a Gamebanshee Forum Member installing special edition BG2, Throne of Bhaal, Neverwinter Nights, and Pool of Radiance software into his Pentium 4 computer with ritual discipline, oblivious to whether he has eaten, slept, or gone to the bashroom in the past three days, or whether there is nuclear war going on at the moment.

my admiration for your continues to grow. It's amazing (scary?) how a few written messages on a public forum can provide complete strangers near-perfect insight into your very character.

Don't tell me that little parody of an opening I did, in turn, for you, annoyed you? Eminem, you have to learn to accept it in the same spirit of burlesque as the piece you wrote for me: I was genuinely amused, and I thought you might be by my return post. (There's no sarcasm in what I just wrote, either.) Neither parody looks anything like the real "us." If you have a problem with laughing at yourself, consider a little humility. Goodness knows, there isn't a person alive, including myself, who can't use a good, strong dose of that. Even you.

[ 05-28-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

I think you read me wrong, fable. You see, I've only recently became a SYM regular, yet my political affiliation and rigid stance on controversial issues have apparently not gone unnoticed among my peers. And in my last comment, I was referring to myself. I was not being sarcastic to anyone in any way, shape or form. On the contrary, your post had me smiling for the rest of the day.


That said, allow me to get back on topic... and attempt to dispel the notion that all Republicans are inarticulate buffoons (ie. President Bush), or dour and humorless CEOs (ie. VP Cheney).

The "Lilarcor" Hobbit Opening

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit Let's kill him! Let's cut him in half again! Spill his guts out to mingle with the worm ends in the soil! I betcha he a gusher! I betcha he ain't! C'mon, c'mon let's find out right now! He'll feel more comfortable lying six feet underground. Then let's find his pipeweed stash, sell it to Gandalf, and while that old geezer is gettin' high, let's kill him too! Hack and slash your way to Sauron! Woo hoo!


The "Aerie" Hobbit Opening
(Aerie-haters DO NOT READ - unpleasant memories in store)


In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Oh my! Wh... what could he be doing in such an awful, horrible place filled with worms, spiders, roaches, and all manner of loathsome creepy-crawlies? (shudders) Alone... all alone. Oh, how lonely he must be! He must hurt... (sob, sob) He must hurt sooooooooo much! (Gasp) Nalia! Yes, Nalia! I will speak to my Lady and... and ask her - no, beg her - to put him up at D'Arnise Keep! She is so good and kind, my dear, dear Nalia. Or perhaps I can ask Anomen - brave Sir Anomen - to let him stay at Delryn estate. I must do something... anything! Oh, Baervar! How can I possibly carry on with my life if I don't rescue this poor, helpless little hobbit from his filthy hole in the ground? (sob sob sob)



[ 05-28-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

[ 05-28-2001: Message edited by: EMINEM ]

This is cracking me up

Okay, here's the Romance Novel Hobbit Opening:

The creature comforts of the hobbit's humble dwelling were no comfort for his small but generous heart; for alas, he was a bachelor. He brewed his lonely tea, and in denial of his emptiness told himself he was happy. But in more reflective moments, the truth stole in, and casting a wistful glance around his home, he would think, "What Bag End needs is a woman's touch."

(Not as funny as yours, EMINEM, but oh well )

Not bad at all, loner, though admittedly the Bill Clintonesque opening still rules.

I'm wondering, though, if you're experiencing what therapists call Transference. Are you, by any chance, projecting your repressed bachelorhood feelings and frustrations through the life situation of the hobbit Bilbo Baggins?

Just had to ask...

EMINEM, you know me too well

(though in my case, "bachelorette" would be the more accurate term )

[ 05-29-2001: Message edited by: loner72 ]

lol!

Actually, it was a shot in the dark. The proper thing to do, by the way, is to keep posting and posting and posting on this forum until you turn blue in the face (or start sounding like Weasel). That way, you have a relatively safe and secure outlet for your emotions. There are far too many avenues of expression that lead to dead ends. But public forums through which you can interact with people with the same interests as yourself sounds legitimate to me.