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So near and yet so far... Implants number 1 and 2 are at this very moment integrating with the anti-matter of the black hole. The Sea of a Thousand Truths congeals around your systemic being. The slippery sea-like-goo is invading your body ...You know that you must stop this spatial and temporal summation of your essence in this faux Sea and contain your integration if you are ever to deliver the cure. But how?...

...You recall that old Master Sirloin used to pray when he intended to defy a law or two. You punch a number on your cell phone and start praying to your MasterCard. Priceless!!!
Suddenly you hear heavenly music, a ray of heavenly light penetrates the blackest black of the black hole, and the HOLY MIRACLE occurs!!!! Your credit card bails you out, once again!
All you need now is a dollop of ketchup. But which brand? Heinz or Hunt's?... The mistake can be fatal...

... You'll aways be a kiwi, if you love our watties sauce! So you flip the extra hard to open sauce bottle to the black hole who grabs it and tries to open it and lets you go, buried under....

... several tonnes of sauce. After realizing the universe is breaking into its components around you, your next course of action is...

to find a meat pie to use the sauce on

... You remember the inter(and intra) cosmos lunch delivery service and order yourself a meat pie. After a couple of hours the slightly odd (but still not completely strange)delivery guy arrives with the long awaited meat pie. Now to put the sauce on the pie. The moment the sauce touches the pie it turns into...

....a pile of sticky goo. Enraged, you went straight to the telephone and screamed at the manager of the delivery service. While you were screaming.....

... the sticky goo turns into what seems to be a copy of yourself. You realise it is actually...

... the fanged coffee mug in disguise. It morphs into its real image. Horrified, you drop the phone on your foot. "OW OW OW OW!". The coffee mug opens its jaws and gobbles you up. Falling down a long ceramic tunnel you realize that this has solved your problem of escaping the black hole. What luck! Ouch. You hit the bottom. Then you discover that you are knee-deep in a pile of bicycle kickstands and there is a mysterious chattering all around. A black dented lamp named Boot emerges from the darkness and bonks you on the knee. . .

.. The End

As Seen on tv.... BUT WAIT! there's more (the end waas a typo that may occur more in the future) but anyway you knee really hurts....

.. you get up and kick the lamp as hard as you can into the darkness. At the present time you could not have taken any dumber course of action and as soon as your hear the thump of the little lamp the chattering stops. You hear all sorts of noises rattling around you. In a split second you are blinded in light as thousands of seemingly angry broken lamps circle around you. The only way to get out of this alive is to...

. . . play dead. With a dramatic gasp you fall to the ground. A moment later you feel the snuffling noses of the lamps on your face. You are lifted and carried through a magical hallway that just happens to be in the mug's belly. The Great Leader of the Lamps appears before you and studies your visage intently. It becomes clear to him that you are NOT deceased. By banging his head on the back of the throne, the king signals to Boot and three other lamps to take you to the interrogation room. . .

...and you groan, "Oh no, not again! Why does everybody want to know about my favorite color, shoe size, and shaving habits???"...

....resorting to your command of langauges you reply in, french, italian, german, hungarian, moron, dutch, dubbledutch, gogledegook, blither, click, and that ramdon totally logical one. the interigator releases you after breaking down and having to find and play for 11 translators. so you....

...so you feel a bit bad it's going to put a big dent in his budget. You fish around in your pockets to see if you can find your credit card. You'll offer to go 50:50 on the cost of the translators. But wait a minute... what is this?...

A 50% off coupon for the Intergalactic Zoo!

You and the lamps hop( you on your right foot--the lamps on their only foot) all the way to Sector X and wait in line for your tickets. Then you hop (left foot) five trillion light-years to Dorlingozwank, the planet whose surface was donated to the Zoo.

The lamps ooh and ahh at all the interesting things at the zoo, like the Quackonazarus Digster-Toad of the Andromeda galaxy, the Corkhead Drogunstorkle Whale of Bappitus VI, and the Gokkrik Boklebonsten Pepperjack Cheese-colored Whoopitus Bat of Frajiksto 8.

Suddenly you come across an exhibit labeled "Homosapien".........

...and with great satisfaction you see your evil twin behind bars. Finally. Yep, it was long overdue, baby. But you have a tender heart, so you give your evil family member a cracker. At that moment you notice a sign "Feeding the exhibits is prohibited under penalty of death". You see a menacing death squad quickly approaching you and...

you say sorry it 's not me it was my evil triplet! (which doesn't, has never, and has no chance of existing) and then show the small differnces in mannerisims etc on the replay. and walk out only bump into .....

Chapter Two: It Begins

....The young, dented lamps lamp parents, who proceed to rough you up for kidnapping their children. As you lay there crumpled on the ground, being bonked consecutively by sixty-two large metal table lamps you realize that life is much too precious to squander with the shameless activities you have participated in during the past month. A rush of confidence stimulates your battered, limp being.

KAPOW

You send thirty-one of the lamps flying through the air...

BONK

You send fifteen and a half of the lamps flying...

WHACK

You send seven and three-quarters of the lamps flying...

BOP

You send three and eight-hundred-seventy-five one-thoudandths of the lamps flying...

Wait a second...