Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

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fable
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Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

Postby fable » Sun Mar 25, 2001 12:28 am

Dwarven throwers

One of my favorite topic areas in another board was under the heading, above. It began innocuously enough, with a discussion of Dwarves that used slings. Fortunately, the subject soon developed legs and a will and moved off merrily into new pastures. I admit, I helped nudge it along with encouragement.

Specifically, we began considering how dwarves, gnomes, and halflings were respectively effective when being thrown at any number of foes. I maintained (and still do) that halflings can fit into a smaller ammunition container than dwarves, but are also subject to wind drift as soon as they get downwind of a meal, some mead, or a woman. (Unless, of course, you're throwing a female halfling. Underage halfling throwing is not permitted in the Yggradasil Convention of 1948.)

Dwarf throwing, on the other hand, comes with the added benefit that they get really annoyed when airborne, and usually arrive in a foul mood. (Actually, dwarves are generally in a foul mood.) They usually have out their axes when they arrive, which gives their attack a +2 for damage. In some cases, a particularly manic dwarf, drooling angrily into his beard, even inflicts a stun by sheer looks.

I will gladly accept any further observations upon this wholy pertinent and fascinating subject.
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Postby BraveSirRobin » Sun Mar 25, 2001 12:50 am

You forgot that Dwarves are always drunk and well saturated with alcohol. This allows them to be ignited to create flaming thrown dwarves. Something you just don't get with halflings.

What's up Fable!

Still practicing for the 2002 Olympics I see.

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Postby fable » Sun Mar 25, 2001 1:15 am

Indeed, Robin. (And I'm glad to see you, a fellow student of this recondite art, up here, as well.) Many's the time I've noticed that a flambe'd, flying dwarf wrecked havoc with a group of dark elves, particularly if the latter had just finished lunch.

Of course, it helps to have a good moustache and beard cream. After all, you just can't expect a dwarf's hirsute facial qualities to last forever, especially under a strong wind fanning the flames. This is where supply logistics enters the question. An effective wax can prolong the life of the flames, coincidentally providing the dwarf with that sophisticated man-about-town look.

By comparison, the best a halfling can hope for (as I pointed out in the previous thread on this theme) is a flaming shish-ka-bob. Mind you, it's not a very bad second, since the metal rod can be wielded as a weapon. I have known of fleeing dark elves, struck by such rods, dying of embarassment, rather than wounds. It all depends, of course, on the particular halfling's aim.

But that the point, isn't it? The halfling's skill has to be considered, while the dwarf just basically has to land, face first. And dwarves, as everybody knows, do that all the time. So there's really no contest.

[This message has been edited by fable (edited 03-25-2001).]
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Postby BraveSirRobin » Sun Mar 25, 2001 1:26 am

Ahh...too bad Zundar wasn't around. Every month or so I would dig out that old thread and read the whole thing. Made me laugh every time. I noticed you tried to resurect the subject a week or so ago. But, I feel like I have exahusted all of my ideas on the subject at this point. Afterall, once you start discussing multi-warhead demi human projectiles (i.e., throwing a dwarf carrying a gnome who is carrying a halfling) and bank shot halfling bounces, what else is there to say.

BTW, Fable there is a way to dig up that old thread you know.

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Postby fable » Sun Mar 25, 2001 2:24 am

There's a way to get the old thread? How, pray tell?
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Postby BraveSirRobin » Sun Mar 25, 2001 2:37 am

It is not easy. But for instance here is my old Jester thread
[url="http://www.bgdungeon.com/Ubb/Forum16/HTML/000414.html"]http://www.bgdungeon.com/Ubb/Forum16/HTML/000414.html[/url]

That was moved to combat strategy which is Forum16. Dwarven Thrower was in general BG2 so that was Forum1. Now all you need is the number for the actual thread. I know some people that are going through the old threads for fun. I will see if they stumbled accross the dwarf thread. You can try it yourself but it is rather painstaking in the general forum because so many of the older posts were deleted.

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Postby BraveSirRobin » Sun Mar 25, 2001 3:05 am

It is your lucky day my friend:
[url="http://www.bgdungeon.com/Ubb/Forum1/HTML/006302.html"]http://www.bgdungeon.com/Ubb/Forum1/HTML/006302.html[/url]

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Postby fable » Sun Mar 25, 2001 3:42 am

Oh ho. Thanks! So you saved the topic in your favorites list? I notice it's impossible to jump to other topics from it, given that the board's been closed, which is why I ask.

If you have another method, I'm curious to know it, because I have several fictional pieces up there I'd like to rescue and repost.
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Postby Dúnadan » Sun Mar 25, 2001 5:24 pm

Yo! Its a darn shame that BG Tavern was shut down before you could read my last post Fable. Well, here it is:

Fable
Dunadan, while your contributions to this thread have been among the finest, I must request greater detail--modern commerce being what it is, after all, and clearly allied to the forces of Lawful Evil. In primus:
Have these gnomes, dwarves, and halflings been certified by the UMBQC (United Magery Board of Quality Control) to make sure they live up to international standards? More specifically, is each example of live ammunition pre-tested, well-rounded, well-balanced, and not suffering a surfeit of hunger, thirst, lust, or gambling fever?

Enlightened, if addled, minds want to know.


Dúnadan
I can assure you, all of our midgets are top of the line, satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Not only have these midgets been approved by the Untited Magery Board of Quality Control, but also by the International Sorcery Quality Corps, the Midget Satisfaction Board of Directors, the Mexican Council of Food, and Short Guys R' Us! Before brought to the market, each midget is put through a complex series of mental and physical examinations designed to keep the sub-par specimens off the shelves, and allow only the top performers into your quiver or whathaveyou. In addition, they spend three months in flight school, learning the basics of midget propulsion, aerodynamics, style and grace, and in-flight control. As you can see, our highly skilled and disciplined midgets are the best money can buy, and are 100% the perfect projectile for all your throwing needs.



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Postby fable » Sun Mar 25, 2001 11:07 pm

That's a wonderful response! Probably the best post of the lot, in fact. But I'll use Robin's link to pull a few of the older ones, and post those here, as well. Might as well set down roots. Image
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Postby Dúnadan » Sun Mar 25, 2001 11:17 pm

Originally posted by BraveSirRobin:
You forgot that Dwarves are always drunk and well saturated with alcohol. This allows them to be ignited to create flaming thrown dwarves. Something you just don't get with halflings.


Who says you can't have flaming halflings? A bucket of alcohol, gas, or oil and a torch make for the most fiery halfling this side of the realms! Of course they might not last long...

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[This message has been edited by Dúnadan (edited 03-26-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Dúnadan (edited 03-26-2001).]
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Postby fable » Sun Mar 25, 2001 11:28 pm

But dwarves, in the flaming or non-flaming variety, are relentless. Point them at a foe, release the break, and they fly straightforward without any time out for philsophical considerations, restroom breaks, or sightseeing.

By contrast, halflings are among the most easily distracted of the races. The mere mention of food has been known to cause halflings to postpone marriage for as long as twenty-two years (the time required to finish a particularly fulsome dinner engagement). On a notable occasion, a dying halfling, one Broadfoot Firkusny (of the eastern Firkusny's) actually lived for another five years because he'd heard of a village-sized keg of ale that was being built outside a nearby town. This was of course nonsense, but Broadfoot was a stubborn man who seldom changed his mind, and it took five years of watching a salt pit and listening to his relatives before the old boy gave in and agreed to kick the bucket.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Halflings are thus much more easily distracted than the rest of the races, and a flaming halfling becomes, not merely a hazard to the enemy, but to their own troops, as well. A halfling bearing a flaming shish-ka-bob can swarm off-course to do any number of non-battle-related tasks, depriving the army of their important support and wasting ammunition, as well. (Hey, that flaming shisk-ka-bob oil really costs.) I've even heard of halflings who vanish entirely from the field of battle for years, only to appear long after the war has concluded and wonder what happened to everybody.

This was, by the way, how Miami, Florida, was founded. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

In any case, I trust I have made my point. Halflings can be useful when tossed at the enemy, but if you really want reliability out of your live ammunition, a dwarf or gnome is the way to go.



[This message has been edited by fable (edited 03-26-2001).]
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Postby pinkypinky » Mon Mar 26, 2001 6:27 am

Whenever I am lost, I can always rely on Dwarven Throwers to show me the way.......

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Postby Dúnadan » Mon Mar 26, 2001 11:19 am

The solution to the Distracted Halfling Dilemma (DHD) is a very simple one. Before you throw the little flaming food bags, simply launch a few steaks, fruit, and cheese toward your target, then let fly with the midgets! Or, if you have the services of a skilled illusionist at hand, the illusion of a fifty course banquet hall right on top of the enemy will work wonders for a halfling's motivation. You could also simply blind fold them, or give them those eye thingies that horses have so they only see straight ahead. Regardless, there are many solutions to this problem, and I cannot stress the sheer devastation a flaming unit of halflings can provide.

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Postby fable » Mon Mar 26, 2001 12:51 pm

Dunadan, you're making the classic error of the armchair strategist: assuming that your enemy is going to be standing still. To the contrary, any enemy worth their weight is going to prepare in advance against the contingency of those little flaming hunger-beacons by displaying distracting food samples at strategic locations.

In fact, I happen to be a supplier of just such a line of food samples, and am happy to announce, HERE, IN THIS FORUM, FOR THE FIRST TIME, the availability of that product to the public at large. Yes, you, too, can keep ravenous halflings at bay, using a patent-applied-for Gummo (tm), the Instant Halfling Snacks series!

Gummo (tm) is a dessicated snack form of life which in appearance resembles the skin of an elementary school teacher, and which in vitamin and mineral content doesn't provide anything less than you'd expect from leading vending machine snack foods. Once the clear, spell-created foilwrap is removed and the contents touched by even a drop of liquid, however, Gummo (tm) expands into what a halfling would consider a suitable, between meals snack.

Gummo (tm) comes in three flavors and sizes:

Gummo (tm) Original: This is a 1" x 1" packet that becomes thirty ten-course meals of fried chicken, greens, pickled trolls' feet, ogre jowls, and a barbequed wyvern picking complete with trimmings: perfect for a few halflings-on-the-go who haven't got time for a heavy business lunch.

Gummo (tm) Large: This 2" x 2" wafer expands upon aqueous contact into fifty large pizzas with everything on them, extra cheese and extra crust (hold the anchovies). Ten troughs of lasagna (your choice of three flavors: meatless, meat, and paladin) are provided, along with fifteen vats of sage and basilisk's eye-stuffed ravioli. Complimentary beverages in the form of twenty giant vats of Dwarven Beer-Gut Ale are included, free of charge, in every wafer. (And remember, if it hasn't got the picture of a dwarven beer gut on the vat, it isn't truly Beer-Gut Ale.)

The latest addition to the line is Curry Gummo (tm). This new, innovative, but incredibly tasty halfling snack supplies a modest buffet of eighty-five portions of gnome saag, elven tandoori, and savory, smoked, de-boned paladin curry with just a touch of hembane for that exotic, far-away flavor. In answer to the request for vegetarian side dishes, an entire forest stretching for no less than ten cubic miles, complete with roughage undergrowth, has been included.

I am taking orders at this time. Please note that a percentage of your purchase price will go to support the Save Viconia from the Good Guys Foundation.

All trademarks are property of the Two Mysterious Bad Guys Corporation, and are unrelated to any intellectual property rights assigned to Microsoft.

[This message has been edited by fable (edited 03-26-2001).]
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Postby Dúnadan » Mon Mar 26, 2001 4:58 pm

Ah, but there is always a solution to any problem on the battlefield, especially when it comes to hucking midgets. If you don't want to let the halfling see the decoy food, blindfold him, if he smells it, shove a cork or two up his nostrils. Either way, the problem will be averted with grace and finesse.

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Postby Dúnadan » Tue Mar 27, 2001 11:07 am

*Bump*

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Postby fable » Tue Mar 27, 2001 7:28 pm

Dunadan, I can see you rely upon the positivistic determinism of halfling perceptions as explained in Helmut Wintherturgeschichtgemutlichkeitelweissen's famous treatise known as Haben und Nicht Haben (and not to be confused with the Bogart film, either), in which he states:

"Halflings can be rendered relatively harmless (for halflings) by either removing their sensory organs or, in a more humane manner, merely disabling them for a period of time."

Yet you will recall that this view was held in strong ridicule by Thierry des Bonaires, who wrote, in the Libre des Obscurantes:

"Wintherturgeschichtgemutlichkeitelweissen's views are, as usual, foolish enough to interest only three people, himself, his father, and a man he confides in when dazed."

Personally, I prefer the Neo-Platonist view of halfling perceptions, to wit, that halflings will always perceive the nearby presence of food or drink unless they are petrified, or dead. And I am not entirely certain about the latter option, either.
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Postby Dúnadan » Tue Mar 27, 2001 10:43 pm

Very well, Fable, I concede your point. After asking my good friend Twitch Tanglefoot (a halfling) on the matter, however, he suggested a solution which may work. Simply take a large melon, apple, mutton, or what-have-you, and stuff it into the halfling's mouth, like the roasted pigs they have in buffets sometimes. While the gluttonous halfling is busy attempting to chow down on his meal, he will take no notice of his flight toward the enemy ranks, and will prove quite the effective projectile. Now Twitch and I tried this tactic with Fangle, his second cousin twice removed on his mother's side. It did indeed prove to be quite a stable method, though we had the problem of Fangle falling several yard short of the target, due to the weight of the steak we stuck in his mouth. I'm sure this problem can be easily remedied however, if I take the time to devise a workable solution to the aerodynamics and propulsion problem of a halfling eating in midair. I will have to give the matter further thought, though.

The one other aspect of midget throwing that we have thus far overlooked is the ability of the gnomish people to soar (no pun intended) as projectile weapons. They are roughly the same size and shape as halflings, though a little bit heavier (though this does well to increase their stability), and have none of the faults of halflings. They can also make good explosives, when combined with even the simplest of their many hazardous inventions. My other good friend, Lump Twidlebeeder (a gnomologist and a gnome himself) has shown me a pair of mechanical cufflinks his (now deceased) uncle Stump fashioned. These seemingly ordinary gnomish cufflinks will explode upon an impact of over five miles per hour, which makes for an excellent ICBKG (Inter-Continental Ballistic Kamikazi Gnome), which is something you just cannot get with dwarves, no matter how drunk or flaming.



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Postby Dúnadan » Wed Mar 28, 2001 5:00 pm

It'll be a sober day for all dwarves when this thread dies, so *Bump*

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