Your Favourite Jokes

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Nippy
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Your Favourite Jokes

Postby Nippy » Mon Feb 25, 2002 12:56 pm

OK, I want a place where we can all post our favourite jokes up. Let 'em rip and lets laugh!
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Bloodstalker
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Postby Bloodstalker » Mon Feb 25, 2002 12:59 pm

My favorite jokes would get me banned, but I will see what I can come up with. :D

And remember, you DID ask for it. :cool:
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Postby HighLordDave » Mon Feb 25, 2002 1:08 pm

Two nuns walk into a bar. The third one ducks. . . . Is this thing on? . . . Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? No? That's odd; they're making headlines. . . . Tough crowd; have you heard this one: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? None; that's a hardware problem. Thank you very much; I'm here till Thursday. Don't forget to tip your waitress.
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Postby Leonardo » Mon Feb 25, 2002 1:18 pm

Kid: Mom, why is the bride dressed in white?
Mom: Because it´s the happiest moment of her life!
Kid: Uhm, and why is the groom dressed in black?
:D
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Curdis
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Postby Curdis » Mon Feb 25, 2002 5:53 pm

An Irishman, and Englishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says 'Is this some sort of a joke?'

What is BROWN and STICKY? A stick.

What do eskimos sing when they are sitting in the snow? Don't it make your brown eyes blue.

No I said throw money NOT your old socks - Curdis !
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:)

:mad:

:cool:

:mischief:

:angel:

:devil:

:angry:

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Ned Flanders
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Postby Ned Flanders » Mon Feb 25, 2002 6:25 pm

ha ha very funny

how's this
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Postby Ned Flanders » Mon Feb 25, 2002 6:27 pm

good one

and another
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Postby Bloodstalker » Mon Feb 25, 2002 6:30 pm

Ned, I think I work with that guy :D
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Postby Ned Flanders » Mon Feb 25, 2002 6:30 pm

which guy, the net admin or the one with the hair growing out of his ass.
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Postby Bloodstalker » Mon Feb 25, 2002 6:34 pm

the guy with the cape.....that is my boss I think :cool:
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Postby Aegis » Mon Feb 25, 2002 8:40 pm

My favorite joke would be Nippy... :D :p

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Postby Moleman » Wed Mar 20, 2002 1:50 pm

Had to dig in a thread from the (not so distant) past to get to post this. It's not much of a joke as an anecdote, but it is truly hilarious. It's a bit longish, but read it through - trust me, it's worth it :D

(hope I don't get banned because of this... nah, we are all adults here?)

--------------------------------

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago, made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and
is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get the wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
-moleman-

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Leonardo
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Postby Leonardo » Wed Mar 20, 2002 2:00 pm

I first read it as a radio show in Sao Paulo. It was pointed at urbanlegends.com as a hoax. But it´s VERY funny indeed :p
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Postby Moleman » Wed Mar 20, 2002 2:05 pm

Originally posted by Leonardo
I first read it as a radio show in Sao Paulo. It was pointed at urbanlegends.com as a hoax. But it´s VERY funny indeed :p
Ah, I knew it couldn't have really had happened, but still I'm a bit disappointed... let's pretend I never saw your comment and I can still believe it's a true story ("Why, oh why, didn't I take the blue pill" -Cypher in Matrix)
-moleman-

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Nippy
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Postby Nippy » Wed Mar 20, 2002 2:07 pm

OMG! That was hilarious Moleman! ROFLMAO! :D :D
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Leonardo
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Postby Leonardo » Wed Mar 20, 2002 2:18 pm

Since the joke thread was ressurected...

A millionaire couple went to a party. They weren´t at the party for half an hour yet when they had a discussion, and the wife, very pissed away, stormed out of the party and took a cab back home.
Arriving at the mansion she found the butler at the living run and commanded him to follow her to her bedroom. She told him to lock the door and said
- Jarvis, take away my dress
He took away the dress
- Jarvis, take away my bra
He took away the bra
- Jarvis, take away my panties
He took away her panties
She sighted, looked at him and finnaly said:
- Jarvis, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you are fired!
"No one expects the Brazilian Inquisitor!"
Abazigal: "Oh my god! They killed Yaga-Shura!"
Sendai: "You bastards!"

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Moleman
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Postby Moleman » Wed Mar 20, 2002 2:32 pm

Hehehe :D :) :D :D :D :D Good one Leo!

I've got one more:

------------------------

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems. Without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over. Without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge
------------------------

(BTW I do realize the 2 jokes I've sent both have something to do with certain body part. Let it be known that I don't have any fixation with it and I do know jokes about other stuff as well...)
-moleman-

Mom said not to talk to strangers. I asked her what that meant and she said "anyone who looks stranger than your relatives." Except Uncle Sue. I guess. - A boy in Baldur's Gate

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Robnark
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Postby Robnark » Wed Mar 20, 2002 3:11 pm

What's green and unexpectedly falls out of trees?

a snooker table.
Here where the flattering and mendacious swarm
Of lying epitaths their secrets keep,
At last incapable of further harm
The lewd forefathers of the village sleep.

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Postby Astafas » Wed Mar 20, 2002 4:03 pm

Originally posted by Robnark
What's green and unexpectedly falls out of trees?

a snooker table.


Anyone ever calculated the odds of that? :D
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josh
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Postby josh » Wed Mar 20, 2002 5:47 pm

I saw this one in a kids joke book:

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

:D
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