Looking for some advice about a friend and her new daughter.

Anything goes... just keep it clean.
User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:
Looking for some advice about a friend and her new daughter.

Postby Magrus » Thu Dec 16, 2004 9:09 pm

I've been mulling over a situation with a friend of mine in my head for some time and I can't seem to decide what it is to do. A friend of mine just had a baby girl ten days ago and unfortunately it looks like she won't end up with support from the father. She's just out of high school and her family isn't well off at all so all of her friends are doing little things to help her. I'm the oldest of our group of friends so essentially all of them come to me for advice and in some things, I just don't have any experience with thats positive in any way. My parents, well they didn't do at all well with the situation they were in, along with my aunts, so going to them for advice is out of the question.

I've offered to watch the little girl, at any time she needs to be watched, and when my friend goes back to work as well, as I'm afraid she won't be able to afford daycare until she completes some sort of higher education and gets a better job. Aside from that though, I've been considering some sort of way to provide a financial situation that would be beneficial for the baby. I'm extremely limited in that area but, between myself and a few friends who would be interested in doing something of the sort I was looking into some for of a trust fund. Something that if I set aside a small chunk of money this year, would end up growing by the time she's an adult and it would be beneficial to have.

Before doing so, and before acting upon anything, I was curious if anyone who's gone through with having their own children in a similar experience would have advice on my thoughts of helping her. My friend is an incredibly stubborn and independant young woman and the last 5-6 years I've known her I've played the role of her big brother almost and she's never been one to ask for help so I've always offered and had to convince her that I don't mind helping her at all when I do offer it.

Is there any advice anyone would have in what help it is a young single mother would need, or want, or things they would want to do on there own most likely and not want interferance with? I've dealt with playing a hand in raising my younger half-sister (7 yrs.) and half-brother (4 yrs.), but I don't live with them and it's been just occasional visits when I see them and babysitting occasionally when needed so I do have more experience with children than her, but nothing truly worth bragging about as such.

Thoughts on any of this?

Edit: Also, I'd like to point out her mother is terminally ill, to the point she's in a nursing home and is far beyond the point to even recognize she has a granddaughter. The father, and the past two years, my friend have been working just to pay for bills and unfortunately this means, no one really in the family will be able to do more than occasionally watching the baby in times of need or helping in much of any way aside from my friend herself.
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
CM
Posts: 10552
Joined: Fri May 18, 2001 11:00 am
Location: Here
Contact:

Postby CM » Fri Dec 17, 2004 3:25 am

Now I have never been in such as situation, nor has anybody i know. However I will say this, even doing a little can help alot. If she is a proud woman she will never accept your help, so i would suggest you set up a savings account in a bank with your's and her name on it and just start placing money there in case of emergencies. It works sort of like a trust fund.

Or you could just do little things that help take the mother's mind off things. Help with the chores, do the shopping. Hang out with her for emotional and psychological support. I doubt the last thing she would want is to be all alone at home after a day's work. Go over for an hour or two just to hang out.

Other this I have no idea what else to say. But however you can help out you should do so :)
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? - Khalil Gibran

"We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!" - Winston Churchill

User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Postby Magrus » Fri Dec 17, 2004 4:55 am

Thanks for the input :)

I've done my best to do those types of things for her over the years since she's effectively been "mom" of the family ever since I met her when she was 14. I've gone over to hang out and watch her sick mother, helped her with housework, emotional support, all of that. Bringing a baby into it changes the dynamic of that relationship a bit. It's not only her I worry about, the baby as well, and my friend IS extremely proud. She's the only I trust to cut my hair, she decided she wanted to go to school to learn how to do cosmotology before going to college, and I have to hide money for her to find for doing so or she won't take anything from me. Things like that. I'm hoping, the fact she has someone who depends on her fully now will make her more susceptable to help, but who knows. I've had to be quite creative at times to make her see reason and accept my help.
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
Shai Hulud
Posts: 111
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 10:54 am
Location: The East side of hell...Well, actually its just Fl
Contact:

Postby Shai Hulud » Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:42 am

I have not been in your friend's position but I do have friends who have. The first thing I would have her look into is city or state aid. I have two friends who also had the father run away from their fatherhood and both actually were able to recieve aid from, I believe, the state. Also, there's another program that helps with medical, hygienic, and clothing for single mothers in this situation. If she's still in high school her counsiler should be able to assist her in obtaining this information. Being the holidays it may be difficult for me to get in touch with the people I know have used these services but when I speak with them again I will ask how they were able to obtain the information.
0073735963

C: "Have you seen The Preacher?"
R: "I have seen a sandworm."
C: "What about that sandworm?"
R: "It give us the air we breathe."
C: "Then why do we destroy its land?"
R: "Because Shai-Hulud [sandworm deified] orders it."

"Riddles of Arrakis" by Harq al-Ada
Children of Dune

User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Postby Magrus » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:12 pm

I know there are programs around here for stuff like that, I did not know you could get aid from the state in the case the father takes off on you. Short of taking the guy to court and sending him to jail, I honestly don't see anything being done on his part in the situation so that might be something to look into. I'll have to do some research for her on what her options are and see if I can talk her into heading out to get things done. I've a feeling she simply doesn't want to go through it alone.
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
jopperm2
Posts: 2815
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 12:00 pm
Location: I'm from Iowa, I just work in space.. Okay the Spa
Contact:

Postby jopperm2 » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:22 pm

If anyone knows the guy, try to get him to join the military. That will ensure things are taken care of..
"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security,
will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."

Thomas Jefferson

User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Postby Magrus » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:08 pm

An ex-friend of mine, it's being taken care of. He can't be admitted into the military for health reasons, so thats out of the picture. He lied to just about everyone he knew to get what he wanted, screwed me out of a grand and thought he'd get away with it. Since he got my friend pregnant, well we noticed he wasn't what he put himself out to be, and we caught him in his lies. No friends, his mother is sick of supporting him as he refuses to get a job and the trust fund his aunt left him is slowly dwindling as its paid for his college for two years, in which he went to class for a total of possibly 30 days out of 3 semesters, before the school said "thanks for your money, but your ruining our reputation" and booted him. I'm wondering if he'd survive being stuck in a room full of my girl friends, he burned a good deal of them. I've a very healthy respect for angry women, and I would not want to be him when they see he isn't going to support that baby. I know him better than most though, he won't be involved unless its court ordered and chances are, he'll end up locked away for being too lazy to keep a job. All the people that supported months ago when I came down on him, are demanding his blood at the moment for what he's done to them. He sold my PS2 for drugs. A friends guitar for the same reason. Went from wonderful person to complete scum.
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
jopperm2
Posts: 2815
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 12:00 pm
Location: I'm from Iowa, I just work in space.. Okay the Spa
Contact:

Postby jopperm2 » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:23 pm

Sounds like a real winner.. Have you considered beating the crap out of him?
Won't solve the problem, but it will make you feel better about it.
"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security,
will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."

Thomas Jefferson

User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Postby Magrus » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:29 pm

If I don't get my money...possibly. Chances are I'll have to wait in line though, and it's not satisfying when the persons already tenderized.
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
jopperm2
Posts: 2815
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 12:00 pm
Location: I'm from Iowa, I just work in space.. Okay the Spa
Contact:

Postby jopperm2 » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:51 pm

Just go as a group and do it all at once. Great fun.
"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security,
will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."

Thomas Jefferson

User avatar
Nippy
Posts: 5085
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2000 11:00 pm
Location: Reading, England
Contact:

Postby Nippy » Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:12 pm

I appreciate you are angry Magrus, and I don't feel I can add anything to the discussion that would benefit you to the extent that you need, but what I will say is that what she needs more than anything is a friend like you. :)

@ Jopperm, your sentiments are right, but kicking the crap outta him benefits no one - even to make someone feel better because all that happens is you get the blame. If things happen, let a court of law decide his fate. If his past comes out, a lot of people will look to do the same...
Perverteer Paladin

User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Postby Magrus » Sat Jan 22, 2005 1:35 pm

I just felt the need to post whats occurred with this situation for those who took the time to read and respond.

Everythings worked out well so far, my friends gone back to class, started this week actually and I ended up watching her baby girl the three days she went back. Her friends are actually fighting over babysitting rights, so apparently right now her biggest problem with that is who watches her when. Her fellow students have demanded she just bring the baby to class with her (it's a cosmotology class), so she'll be asking the teacher about that one I guess for a sort of once-in-a-while type thing. It would sorely hurt her ability to function in class to do so. I'm guessing as time wears on the novelty of watching a baby will wear off for people and I'll end up watching her more and more but that doesn't bother me. I've also given her my cell phone to use so she will have one, winters here are quite bad and I thought it best she have a method of communication no matter where she is for safety's sake. Regardless, now she has a way to call people and I've a way to get ahold of her at any time when I'm watching the baby. It's really helped her with leaving the baby the first few days having that option to talk to me while in class at times and see how she's doing.

Another friend has a decent job and not too many costs involved aside from rent, groceries and car insurance so he has decided to throw her extra cash he has lying around so she won't have to work and go to school at the same time. She'll have money for diapers and everything for the baby for quite some time if he keeps that up which is nice.

Luckily, the biggest problem with the baby so far, is keeping it awake long enough to feed and change it and it is having trouble digesting formula for some reason. She's the most well behaved baby I've ever seen which is just awesome.

So, thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to this thread in the first place and thats my little update for you there.
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Postby Magrus » Thu Jun 02, 2005 12:10 am

I'm bumping this thread, need some opinions on how to deal with a situation.

I've been watching my friend's baby Kiya for months now, 5 days a week while she's in school. I do so, for free, every week, so she can go to school, and not need to get a full-time job just to pay for daycare for her daughter so she can finish school. Now, my friend isn't working at all, she just goes to school and goes home with her daughter. Which, is a lot of work yes, yet here's my problem.

She's usually between 30 minutes-1 1/2 hours late dropping her daughter off to get to school, at least 2 times a week. She doesn't bother to call and inform me she's going to be late at all. Anytime there is a change in schedule, such as her having this past monday off as it was a holiday, she doesn't bother to call me and let me know I won't be needed to watch her daughter, at all usually. I don't get calls if she stays home because she's sick, or anything.

I've been sick this week, and informed her I would still watch Kiya in the event she couldn't find a sitter and was willing to chance my getting her daughter sick. She promised to call me back tonight with an answer of whether I'd be watching her daughter. I JUST, like at 1:45 am, got a message online from a mutual friend saying I wouldn't need to watch the baby later today. She didn't want to call the house this late, so she had her sister call our friend's cell phone and had her message me. Now, she woke our friend up, who has to watch her niece at 6 am today, in order to inform me 8 hours after I called her to let her know I was still sick and wanted her to let me know one way or the other on whether I would be watching her daughter.

I've been friends with this girl for 5 years, and I've always gone out of my way to help her out, whenever she's needed help. I've been her shoulder to cry on, the older brother she's never had, I've even taken care of her now deceased mother in the past when she was ill and needed someone to take care of her because she couldn't herself. I've probably saved the girl close to 3 grand in the past few months, if not more, on daycare costs. Yet, she doesn't bother giving me a call to let me know what's going on. Not even taking a minute out of her day to say "hey, I'll be late", or "I have such and such going on and you don't have to worry about waking up early and watching my daughter on such and such a date".

I'm just completely, horribly fed up with this kind of thing. I mean, even if she was PAYING someone to watch her child, they'd still expect calls regarding these kinds of situations, and if she didn't call in advance, sure as hell they'd still charge her for the day. I'm saving her at least $100-200 a week on daycare, and she doesn't even bother with that common courtesy.

She's extremely stubborn, emotionally distraught from just having lost her mother, stressed at being a single mother, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about this. I've dropped hints, but never come right out and said "call me when this, this and this kind of thing happens". So, that needs to be done. However, I'm at the point now, I'm tempted to just tell her I don't want to deal with it anymore until she can give me a reason to believe she gives a damn and appreciates what I'm doing for her. I mean, I even let her take my cellphone and I'm paying for it so she has one in case her car breaks down with the baby or I need to get ahold of her when I'm watching her daughter. So I know, no matter if her house phone is broken, or if she's not at home, she has a working phone to call me with. I know because every month I get the bill for it still.

Would anyone have any thoughts or opinions on how to handle this? I decided I'm going to have a talk with her this afternoon after she gets out of school. I'm still trying to work out whether it will be more of a talk, or more of my telling her to screw off and call a daycare center and get a job. :o
[SIZE="1"]
[color="Pink"]"You can do whatever you want to me."[/color]
[color="DimGray"]"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
[color="Pink"]"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / [color="DimGray"]*Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"[/color][/color][/color]
[/size]

User avatar
oozae
Posts: 1368
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2004 7:55 pm
Contact:

Postby oozae » Thu Jun 02, 2005 1:10 am

Just come out and say you need her to call you when she's late or there's a day off etc. It shouldn't be any problem. Oh, and Magrus, you're just frustrated, I'm sure she cares about you.
Silent.

User avatar
C Elegans
Posts: 9935
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 11:00 pm
Location: The space within
Contact:

Postby C Elegans » Thu Jun 02, 2005 1:18 am

Magrus]She's extremely stubborn wrote:
Most people tend get egocentric when they are in emotional distress. It's fully possible she has not at all picked up your hints. In any case, hints are not reliable for communication, so as you say, you need to tell her in a straightforward manner what you expect of her - you probably should have done that before you got as angry as you are now.

However, I'm at the point now, I'm tempted to just tell her I don't want to deal with it anymore until she can give me a reason to believe she gives a damn and appreciates what I'm doing for her.


No. Don't do that. It's not her fault that you have not communicated this clearly to her. Not that I think she is behaving well towards you, but you shouldn't put her in a situation of emotional blackmailing like "unless you start showing some appreciation I'm done with you and your baby!". You are not doing this in order to get emotional gratification from her. You do it because you want to help her. Then, basic behaviours such as letting you know that she will be late etc, must be part of the agreement.

When you have made it clear to her what you expect and demand from her, wait a couple of weeks. If her behaviour has not changed, then I think you have the right to flood her with your aggression if you feel like it then.
"There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance." - Hippocrates

Moderator of Planescape: Torment, Diablo I & II and Dungeon Siege forums