Things a Morrowind NPC would never actually say

[musicalassassin]

Player to Dark Elf: You look toasted......... nicely toasted

[fable]

Lord Vivec: "Sorry folks, I'm quitting. I've decided to join Jews for Jesus."

(My bad. But this has been rattling around in my brain cage for days, now. Lucky you.)

[arno_v]

Casius Cosades: "Leave me alone, I'm searching for my shirt"

[Tower_Master]

Dagoth Ur: *sob* My father never hugged me as a child *sniff* I'm not really a bad guy, I'm just misunderstood...

[Gromph]

any guard " don't worry, if you attack someone i'll help them, if they attack you, you're on your own"

[lifeishell91]

A Guard: Hi! My name is imperial guard, I am an imperial guard, you would never have geussed would you fella?

[techoluvr]

Hey, stop trying to goad me into a fight. Its not like i would win. All you want is my items, and i cant do anything about it either.

[Maeglor]

I particularly love the way admiration can ovveride any situation in the game, be the NPC a god who hates you, peasant you just stole from, or...

"um, can I help you?"
(zzt - ultimate compliment attack)
"I hadn't noticed, thanks. Wait, what did I just say?"
(zzt - compliment combo uppercut)
"That's very sweet, thank you. Ok Mr. I don't know how you got in here, but.."
(zzt - lightning admiration sweep)
"I haven't heard that in such a long time. That does it, creepy guy! I don't care how you're doing that.. Just what gives you the right to.."
(zzt - telvanni bug infused finishing compliment)
"I feel the same way. It's been some time now for me too. *blush* Oh my god, what did I just say? Who ARE you?"

[Opalescence]

Vivec (slight spoilers! sort of): "Yo! Mr. I-Kill-Ordinators-Left-and-Right! You wouldn't mind finding a couple of lost items for me, yah?"
PC: "But I came to talk about ..."
Vivec: "I knew you'd be reasonable. Now you see, we lost the two most powerful weapons in our possession because Sotha Sil and I got drunk and decided to pour ten gallons of Sujamma down Alemexia's throat. After which she got kinda tipsy and went over to Dagoth's place and handed 'em over. Stayed the night too. Wonder what that was all about."
PC: "Erm, that's great but ..."
Vivec: "So you'll get 'em back? That's wonderful! I knew I could count on you!"
PC: "Hey now I didn't say anothing about ..."
Vivec: "Sorry, can't talk now, Sotha and I are gonna go to a Moon Sugar party! Wanna join?"

[radicalrude]

Any Merchant (without mods):
Wanna sell this nice glass axe?
Just wait around for a week for me to collect the cash....

[Rookierookie]

And Muddy?

[Dark Master]

I would greet you as Outlander, but in this age of political correctness I might get sued.

[moltovir]

Almalexia: "Praise Lord Nerevar Reborn, the greatest of all heroes of the third era, the most skilled warrior of all times! Now, would you mind using your divine powers to teleport yourself trough time and space to the Great Bazaar and buy me half a pound of cheese, one bread, a chorizo sausage and a bottle of fresh milk, oh Nerevarine?"

[Greg.]

NPC: no, seriously, i enjoy walking from one end of town to the other. It gives purpose to my simple life.

Citizen of Peliagad: When I first came here, all I heard was good - modern facilities, Legion garrison. But there's not even a silt strider. Sheesh, looks like its back to Seyda Neen.

Any Nord in any town: No, I'm sick of telling people this. Not all Nords are idiots who roam around in the countryside nearly naked because a witch stole their clothes and their prized family axes. I myself have just finished reading all the 36 sermons of Vivec - most enjoyable. And I don't even have an axe!

[Tower_Master]

Any NPC: "No, seriously, waltz right in to my home, I don't mind, I swear! I mean, what harm could a complete stranger in full armor ever be? Of course you can stand there as long as you want!"