True Astrology

[Vehemence]

Have you noticed how astrologers always leave out the nasty
bits? Here is the awful truth:

Aquarius: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. In other words you lie a great deal. You are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make repeated mistakes. Everyone thinks you are a nerd.

Pisces: You have a vivid imagination. You are full of self-importance but have minor influence over your associates, in fact most of the time other people don't know you exist. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans screw small
animals.

Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.

Taurus: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Trouble is, you do it all
wrong. Most people see you as stubborn, otherwise as a clutz. Taurus people have BO, halitosis and fart a lot.

Gemini: You are a quick intelligent thinker and well liked because you are bisexual. You do expect too much for too little and this means that you are a cheapskate. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer: You are sympathetic and nderstanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. People walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will always be on state benefit and not worth a ****.

Leo: You consider yourself a born leader - but others think you are a mouse. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot stand criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards.

Virgo: You are an artistic type and have difficulty with reality. You are kind and gentle. If you are male you are probably queer. Most Virgo women make excellent whores. All Virgos die of venereal disease.

Libra: You are logical and hate disorder. This nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Libras make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

Scorpio: You are shrewd in business and therefore cannot be trusted. You will achieve great success because you are devoid of ethics. You are a social mis-fit and a total bastard. Most Scorpios are murdered, usually in bed.

Sagittarius: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. People laugh at you a lot.

Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of
importance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.

[Vehemence]

Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either
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[Xandax]

Dammned - can't remember my starsigns' name in english

But then again - why should I - all of the above fits me good

[Georgi]

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>
Sagittarius: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. People laugh at you a lot.
</STRONG>

But I'm not optimistic *or* enthusiastic....

[Xandax]

Originally posted by Georgi:
<STRONG>
But I'm not optimistic *or* enthusiastic....
</STRONG>

well okay - and I'm not lucky either - but I'm a drunk

[Mr Sleep]

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>are a nerd.

Cancer: You are sympathetic and nderstanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. People walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will always be on state benefit and not worth a ****.

</STRONG>

Down to a T

[Georgi]

Originally posted by Xandax:
<STRONG>
well okay - and I'm not lucky either - but I'm a drunk </STRONG>

I think that is probably the most accurate part

[Weasel]

Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.

Damn this makes it sound like I'm an *******.

[Mr Sleep]

ROFLMAO. let me guess *******

[fable]

@Vehemence, be careful what you post about copyrights, even in jest. I've seen something very similiar to that hilarious astrological sendup, above, and quoting the authors' work while even humorously taking credit may cause problems in the long run.

On the other hand, it is hysterical stuff.

[ 06-14-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

[KidD01]

Someone reply with this one after I ask her sign : "Caution ! Slippery When Wet !"

[Armadin of Clan Geddin]

Libra: You are logical and hate disorder.

Bah!
Disorder rather be hatin' me.

This nit-picking makes your friends sick.

Bah!
What makes 'em sick be the fact that they can't handle no ale, methinks.

You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love.

All too true!

Libras make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

Moradin's Hammer, nay!

"All hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver!
All hail to the bus driver, bus driver man!"

NAY!!

I be likin' the pimp part though. It be an interestin' job, methinks.

[leedogg]

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn ofimportance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.

</STRONG>

*crying* it all too true!!!

[KidD01]

Originally posted by Vehemence:
[QB}Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of importance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.
[/QB]

Nah ! Total wrong there I'm a Cap and those things are all wrong

[C Elegans]

Originally posted by Vehemence:
<STRONG>
Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.
</STRONG>

LOL I don't believe in astrology for a nanosecond, but this one just nails me!