Translating Women's Speech Patterns

[Beldin]

• 1. Can't we just be friends?
  There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body
  touch mine, again.
  
  2. I just need some space
  ...without you in it.
  
  3. Can you help me with my homework?
  If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
  
  4. Do I look fat in this dress?
  We haven't had a fight in a whlile.
  
  5. No, pizza's fine.
  Cheap bastard.
  
  6. I just don't want a boyfriend now
  I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
  
  7. I don't know; what do you want?
  I can't believe you don't have anything planned.
  
  8. Come here
  My puppy does this too.
  
  9. I like you but...
  I don't like you.
  
  10. You never listen.
  You never listen.
  
  11. We're moving too quickly
  I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the convertible has a g/f.
  
  12. I'll be ready in a minute.
  I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
  
  13. Oh, no, I will pay for myself.
  I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.
  
  14. Oh Yes! Right there.
  Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
  
  15. I'm just going out with the girls.
  We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
  
  16. There's no one else.
  I am doing your brother.
  
  17. Size doesn't count...
  ...unless I want an orgasm.
  
  18. You are so nice!
  You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.
  
  19.Do you love me?
  Do you love me more than my husband?
  
  20. Oh, these flowers are beautiful.
  Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?
  
  21. What did you do today?
  You better have a damn good reason for not calling.
  
  22. We should pick it out together.
  I'll choose.

No worries,

Beldinhttp://www.plauder-smilies.de/devil/sasmokin.gif

[Beldin]

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Questions...

• 1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
  
  2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ice cream and
  chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
  
  3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
  
  4. No, I won't be gentle.
  
  5. Of course you have to swallow.
  
  6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
  
  7. I hate your friends.
  
  8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
  to you after tonight.
  
  9. I'd rather watch a porno.
  
  10. Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to screw it.

[Nippy]

LOL! Hilarious, oh I loved that. Excellent Beldin, ROFLMAO. 10 pints to screw it...

[Eerhardt]

Here are a few more ...

• The gas tank is empty
  Go fill it up...
• The trash is full
  Take it out
• The dog is barking
  Go outside in the rain in your underwear and see what is wrong.
• I'm NOT angry
  I'm pissed!
• Are you cold?
  Get out of bed and close the window!
• What do you think of my new hair style?
  Say it's beautiful - if you value your life...
• Tell me the truth about my new dress
  Lie
• I'm sorry
  You'll be sorry
• This kitchen is so inconvenient
  I want a new house

[Beldin]

..and to busy to edit it all out...


"41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew"

• 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
  7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just
  like every other cat.
  9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
  10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
  the tides. Let it be.
  11. Shopping is not sport.
  12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
  13. You have enough clothes.
  14. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
  to like it.
  16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
  your Dad probably is too.
  17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
  anniversaries on a calendar.
  19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
  point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
  we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
  look good with your dress?
  21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
  doctor.
  23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
  24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  25. Check your oil.
  26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
  27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
  28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
  together.
  29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
  argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
  expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
  the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
  how pretty you are?
  33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
  34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
  it done - not both.
  35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
  commercials.
  36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
  we.
  37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
  you do.
  39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
  airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not
  going to deter us from reading the magazines.
  40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
  two months we were going out.
  41. Anyone can buy condoms.

No worries,

Beldin

[Bloodmist]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something you're really not going to like.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? (Too late, you're dead)
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an *******

[Bloodmist]

WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guy's night out is going to be fun, invite the girls
5. If guy's night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules; No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes".
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Fredrick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag" and "Lardass" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?".
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when your drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for you discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels at that particular moment in time, and could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it , just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentines Day,and any other cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
(Please note that the following two have been mentioned not once but twice)
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass; smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out.

[Beldin]

*LOL* Nice one @BM.... ....

Good to see that the next generation still has the touch ... ...

[Bloodmist]

Originally posted by Beldin
Good to see that the next generation still has the touch ... ...

I do my best to fullfil The Heritage...

[Bloodstalker]

Man, this is a cool thread. I'd comment, but I'd get banned

[Vivien]

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
Man, this is a cool thread. I'd comment, but I'd get banned

Oh, yes 'cool'

I'd retaliate, but I'd get banned too.

[Dottie]

Originally posted by Vivien

I'd retaliate, but I'd get banned too.

I would contribute with half of my posting privileges if you provided the other half and the retaliation.

[Bloodstalker]

You wouldn't be instigating, now would you Dottie?

[Tybaltus]

Originally posted by Beldin

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just
like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Hey! Cats are much better than dogs. No way something that creates that much slobber can be better then a cat.

But its not like cats are my favorite. I tend to like birds, rodents, and ferrets more then felines.

[RandomThug]

Lie. Lie. I want. Lie. I need. You dont need. Lie. Want. Want. Sleep. Yell. Yell. Yell. Yell. Lie. I want you to not want. Yell. Lie.