toilet humor

[leedogg]

all of us get funny jokes all the time, so heres a place to post some that you find really funny.

i got this via e mail

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one
to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a
Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse
me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell
you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said,
"That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a
good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman
farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he
could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and
the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

[Mr Snow]

Sad but true...

In the newspaper today (19-6-01 Qld/Aust) there is an article about the trial/suspension of two Police officers who last Christmas Eve while off-duty at a bar walked outside and pulled their pants down and flashed their mates across the road.
Unfortunately this was during daylight shopping hours infront of woman and children and there was photographic evidence (shown in the state paper).

Just goes to show how good the authorities around here are ...My kind of People

[leedogg]

lmao!

[KidD01]

Is this where we discuss how to create a more powerful toilet bomb ?

[leedogg]

Little Johnny Christmas

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since
Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to
bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog sh*t in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a godd*mned teddy-bear laying right f**kin here beside
me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to
see a m*th*rf**kin' train going around the godd*mned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed f**kin' bike leaning up against the d*mn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile
of dog sh*t. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog sh*t
around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a
huge pile of dog sh*t by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious
look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring
you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a godd*mned dog but I can't
find the son of a b*tch."

BTW-i'm a goner for this one.

[leedogg]

this ones is way too funny.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside
Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded
"Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and
the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above
the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the
reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old
woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".

[Vehemence]

An old favourite of mine.

***

LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER
Dear Son. Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you get home because we have moved.
About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him; he cuts the grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working too good. Last week I put Dad's shirt in, pulled the chain and haven't seen it since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it is a boy or a girl yet, so I don't know if you are and auntie or an uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky at the dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. The cremated him and it took five days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor last Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandfather's plot isn't paid within seven days, up he comes.
... Your loving Mother.

PS: I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed up the envelope.

[Vehemence]

***

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[leedogg]

lmgdao @ the lawyer!