Tips for Evil Cult Members

[Scayde]

Tips for evil cult members:



Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.


Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.


Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.


Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.


Never invoke anything bigger than your head.


Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.


Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.


Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.


If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.


Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change.


Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.


When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.


Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.


Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.


If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.


When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.


When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.


During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."


Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.


Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.


Never play strip Tarot.


Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.


For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is right out.


Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people who won't be missed.

[dragon wench]

ROFL! You're on quite the roll here Sis!

[Scayde]

LOL...Things are quiet tonight at the Flophouse

[Gwalchmai]

Quote:

Originally posted by Scayde Tips for evil cult members: <snip> Never play strip Tarot. <snip>

Well, no evil cults for me, I guess.... <sigh>

[Scayde]

LOL...In your case maybe they can make an exception...hm..Cult of the Hot Tub maybe?

[fable]

Quote:

Originally posted by dragon wench ROFL! You're on quite the roll here Sis!

Good stuff, but not the property of anybody on this board. It's been around for a few years, just like that wonderful list with Advice to Megalomaniacal Tyrants.

[Scayde]

LOL...I figured it went without saying that it was cut and pste, RA sent it to me, I laughed so hard I had to share it with you guys

[Gwalchmai]

Quote:

Originally posted by Scayde LOL...In your case maybe they can make an exception...hm..Cult of the Hot Tub maybe?

Maybe Cult of the Masseuse Stallions instead…. Closely associated with the Twisted Sisters, I’ll bet. But we wouldn’t be Evil…. More likely Neutral, but also “Good. Very good, mmmmmmm-oohhhh!” when thought of in another way…..

[Scayde]

Quote:

Originally posted by Gwalchmai Maybe Cult of the Masseuse Stallions instead…. Closely associated with the Twisted Sisters, I’ll bet. But we wouldn’t be Evil…. More likely Neutral, but also “Good. Very good, mmmmmmm-oohhhh!” when thought of in another way…..

Sounds like we better start stocking up on candles and inscents

[Gwalchmai]

And oil. Lotsa oil....

[Scayde]

LOL...But of course...almond or olive ?

[fable]

Quote:

Originally posted by Scayde LOL...But of course...almond or olive ?

Do you have any of that self-heating kind? I don't know if it's edible, however.

[dragon wench]

All things considered I'm not sure we really need anything else that is self-heating around here!

[fable]

True. I should have realized.

[Scayde]

LOL....

For that matter, I'm not sure we need anything else that's edible