The Terrors of the English Language

[dragon wench]

I just found this in my Inbox, and given the international nature of SYM and its periodic debates on language, I figured it would be fun to post

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.



Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't bread or sweet, are meat.



Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?



Have noses that run and feet that smell?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[CM]

LMAO!!! Good god.I love that. I had to re-read sentences atleast twice to figure out what was going on. That is great. Must print out.

[Magrus]

Thats awesome and oh so true. I'm amazed at the fact I can learn English but not other languages.

[Brynn]

lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mag Thats awesome and oh so true. I'm amazed at the fact I can learn English but not other languages.

That's natural, if you think about it. English has no logic in it, how could you learn a language based on strict and clear logic, then?

[Rob-hin]

As a side note: English is actually a pretty easy language.
Very funny indeed.

[Brynn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob-hin As a side note: English is actually a pretty easy language.

It is, compared to others like German or Hungarian...

[Rob-hin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brynn It is, compared to others like German or Hungarian...

I'd say, when I did my report about Hungary, I couldn't make heads or tailes from it!
It looks very cool though.

[arno_v]

Some are very funny indeed, but I guess there are examples like this is every language.

[winter rose]

This brings back nightmares of when I was teaching ESL students. At one point a student asked for an explanation as to why a certain word was the way it was, I yelled "Because I said so." Sigh.

[ik911]

Ah, very didactic and tactful, WR.

[giles337]

Not to mentioned elightening for the student You should have told him that us Englanders made are langage this way specifically to confuse people like him

[winter rose]

ik -- I was having one of those days when I wanted to murder somebody. Trust me teaching ESL students has got to be the most difficult task I can think of at the moment. Most often I would give those half hour explanations which at the end STILL resulted in a confused look from the student!

giles-- I guess it goes without saying that you cant teach unless you have buckets of patience.

[Aramant]

That's why I gave up on my plans of becoming a teacher.

That, and the fact that the more time I spend in university, the more I dislike education. As can be seen in my marks.

[winter rose]

^ But then having helped a student get accepted into college is worth it. Plus theres so much to teaching then just the class work.

[Aramant]

Quote:

There is no egg in eggplant

Quote:

Originally Posted by OED Eggplant (n): A popular name for the Solanum esculentum, originally given to the white-fruited variety, but afterwards extended to that which bears the purple fruit or Aubergine.

Quote:

nor ham in hamburger

Quote:

Originally Posted by OED Hamburger (n) (Now freq. with lower-case initial.) In full Hamburger steak = Hamburg steak (see STEAK 2c); also, a kind of sausage. Now, chopped beef, spiced and flavoured, formed into a cake and fried, often served between two halves of a toasted bun. So hamburger bar, etc. orig. U.S.

Quote:

neither apple nor pine in pineapple

Quote:

Originally Posted by OED Pineapple (n) 2. a. The juicy edible fruit of the Ananas, Ananassa sativa, a large collective fruit developed from a conical spike of flowers, and surmounted by a crown of small leaves; so called from its resemblance to a pine-cone.

Quote:

Sweetmeats are candies

Quote:

Originally Posted by OED Sweetmeats (n) 1. collect. pl. (and sing.) Sweet food, as sugared cakes or pastry, confectionary (obs.); preserved or candied fruits, sugared nuts, etc.; also, globules, lozenges, ‘drops,’ or ‘sticks’ made of sugar with fruit or other flavouring or filling; sing. one of these. c1480 HENRYSON Test. Cress. 420 "The sweit Meitis, seruit in plaittis clene, With Saipheron sals of ane gud sessoun."

Quote:

while sweetbreads, which aren't bread or sweet, are meat

Quote:

Originally Posted by OED Sweet (adj) 1. a. Pleasing to the sense of taste; having a pleasant taste or flavour. Bread (n) I. 1. (Only in OE.) Bit, piece, morsel (of food).

There's a reason for everything.