| | Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!
| 
05-05-2005, 10:48 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: In the home of the demoted.
Posts: 9,104
| |
While these are not specially funny, they are economist jokes  Not that you need to post about professions but... post jokes 
-----------------------------
A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to five meters above ground and asks a passing wanderer: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"
Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says: "You are in a downed red balloon, five meters above ground."
The balloon's unhappy resident replied, "You must be an economist"
"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.
"Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost".
"Then you must be in management", said the passer-by.
"Thats right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!"
----------------------
An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprice they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"
-----------------------
Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving.
__________________
Flesh to stone ain't permanent, it seems.
| | |
05-05-2005, 10:58 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Norwegian stationed in the philippines
Posts: 2,014
| |
Once there was an american guy who slept with an japanese woman. this japanese woman had a husband, who found out that this had happened. He found the american guy and the japanese woman, and said to the american guy that if this happened again, he would torture him in the japanese way. the japanese woman only laughed at this, so the american guy thought that it wasn't so dangerus, and went to the japanese woman the same night.
next day, when the american guy woke up in his appartment on the second floor, he had a huge rock on his belly. on it there was a note: "japanese torture nr.1". he was a strong man, so he simply laughed at it, and threw the rock out the window. just as the rock passes the window, he spottes a second note under the rock: "japanese torture nr.2, your left testickle(sp?), is nailed to the stone. He gets shock, and can feel it, so he throws himself out the window after the rock, thinking that he can survive a fall from the second floor. just as he passes the window, he spottes a third note: "japanese torture nr.3, your right testickle is nailed to your bed!! 
__________________ I once had a little teaparty, this afternoon at three, twas was very small, three guests in all; I, myself, and me. myself ate up the sandwhiches, while i drank up the tea. twas also i that ate the pie,and passed the cake to me | | |
05-05-2005, 11:11 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Between North Pole and South pole, on the surface though
Posts: 2,781
| | | | | |
05-05-2005, 12:58 PM
|  | Moderator and Twisted Sister | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
Posts: 19,215
| |
lmao!
OKay.. not a joke in the technical sense.. but..
A friend sent me this, my initial reaction was.... Eeeeeeewwwwww!!!!  And being the generous sort of person that I am, I of course felt obligated to share
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Apparently some people over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite
confused about how they should present ourselves. They're unsure about the
kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as
they try to conform to current fashions. Despite what may be
on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker Be grateful I edited out the more horrifying ones...
__________________
testingtest12Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
testingtest12.......All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain. | | |
05-05-2005, 01:14 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,953
| |
Those are hilarious. I like the economist ones Luis, the comment about management has been SO true in my experiences.
The joke with the japanese torture, that's brilliant. Love it, something like I'd come up with.
DW, that's just gross, and so much more for me because unfortunately, I've seen examples of some of those.
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone" | | |
05-05-2005, 03:46 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: at the bottom of the bottle
Posts: 2,076
| |  Quote: |
Originally Posted by dragon wench 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge | Unfortunately, this trend is hardly limited to the elderly.
Q. How do you kill a one-legged fox?
A. Make it run across Canada.
__________________ Quote: |
Originally Posted by ch85us2001 How do you like them apples, Oprah? | | | |
05-05-2005, 03:51 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Blighty
Posts: 601
| | |
Has anyone heard the one about the red and white Knight who rode a black and white horse?
This joke is so long that when a friend of mine posted it at another forum he was flamed for weeks.
I could post it here on the condition nobody moans when they have to read so much and then not like it...
__________________
England expects...
...you to visit:
limey-simey.deviantart.com
| | |
05-05-2005, 03:55 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,953
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Aramant Unfortunately, this trend is hardly limited to the elderly.
Q. How do you kill a one-legged fox?
A. Make it run across Canada. | Ha, so true. Reminds me of a skit I saw by Drew Carey about 7-8 years ago on TV. He went off about people wearing skimpy bathing outfits on the beach who were bigger than him. Said he knows he wasn't in shape and had the common decency and respect for his fellow human beings to cover up. I'm not in the best shape myself and I totally agree with him there. It's just not right seeing a 400lb man wandering around in a speedo.
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone" | | |
05-05-2005, 03:57 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Blighty
Posts: 601
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Magrus It's just not right seeing a 400lb man wandering around in a speedo. | Depends where all that weight is
__________________
England expects...
...you to visit:
limey-simey.deviantart.com
| | |
05-05-2005, 04:00 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,953
| |
It doesn't matter, at all where that weight is.
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone" | | |
05-05-2005, 04:02 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Blighty
Posts: 601
| | |
Well, now that I come to think about it, if it wieghed 400lb you simply wouldn't be able to walk in a straight line. There again, you may not have to...
__________________
England expects...
...you to visit:
limey-simey.deviantart.com
| | |
05-05-2005, 04:26 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Law School library, Vermont, USA
Posts: 1,229
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Magrus It's just not right seeing a 400lb man wandering around in a speedo. | Are you even sure that, at 400 lbs, you could even still see the Speedo? (might it just... disappear?)
__________________
Custodia legis | | |
05-05-2005, 06:12 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: The Great Below
Posts: 2,821
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Cuchulain82 Are you even sure that, at 400 lbs, you could even still see the Speedo?
(might it just... disappear?) | lmao, Just like Homer Simpson, He was at that one beach in Brazil and his speedo just really disappear.
__________________
I decend from grace in arms of undertow... Quote: |
Originally Posted by Magrus I think you and I would end up in the hospital trying to drink together...  Oh its a shame you live so far away man. We could have so much fun! Well... maybe. We might end up in jail after we get out of the hospital. | | | |
05-06-2005, 01:11 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Between North Pole and South pole, on the surface though
Posts: 2,781
| |
limey post the joke so this doesn't turn into complete spam! and ppl although i'm not the original poster try to limit the spam.. we have enough of those threads
god i sound like xandax *runs away in terror screaming* | | |
05-06-2005, 01:28 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: In the home of the demoted.
Posts: 9,104
| | |
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
----------------------------------------
How musicians do it...
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it in rhythmically.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.
---------------------------------------
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!
----------------------------------------
A guide to man-machine interface
USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping
USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?
USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.
USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR
DUR?
USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.
USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.
USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.
USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ BASTARD
Abuse will get you nowhere
USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc
USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.
USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.
__________________
Flesh to stone ain't permanent, it seems.
Last edited by Luis Antonio; 05-09-2005 at 11:01 AM.
| | Thread Tools | Search this Thread | | | | | Display Modes | Rate This Thread |  Linear Mode | | 
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
| | | |
