Musings of the Mind In the Middle of the Night

[Aegis]

I wrote this last night. Well, more so scribbled it down into my note book last night, roughly 1 in the morning, after a long day with a severe lack of caffiene, and happiness. It is true, that in the past couple weeks, I can truly be described as 'embittered', 'cynnical' and even 'pessimistic'. The nature of the beast, I suppose. But, I had a moment, last night. One of clarity. My mind was quite lucid, and without the use of any drugs before the notion may be brought up. Perhaps a little back ground on my state of mind, of late.

Two months of happiness. Best two months I've had for many years. Quite a bad childhood, still rather fresh in my memory (as I'm only 19, well, going on). Grew up without a mother, with a father who spent his time on the road in order for my sister and I to have a childhood we could be comfortable in. Not only that, but being the social misfit in suburbia is never an easy thing to do. I talked about things, had ideas and opinions where the other 12 year old children did not. For many years, I could not speak openly about this. Not that I was ashamed, or it hurt too much, but rather, because nobody, I thought, cared enough to hear it.

Well, For the past year, I've known a girl. Classic openning to many stories, I'm sure. Fun, witty, down to earth, and very much a realist. We get to talking in our last year of high school, and we become friends. I, of course, don't attempt to be with her, as at the time, she was involved. But, suffice to say, the friendship grows, and we become what I could only describe as best of friends. During this time, there is something about her that excudes caring. She gave an image and impression to the world, but hid her true nature to herself. One that was caring, compassionate, and loving. As I came to know her better, and our friendship grew, we began to share with each other. She spoke to me of her life back in her home country, and I began to share, little by little, about my life growing up, tending to tread water, not wanting to lay a trip on her, trying to get pity or guilt.

Well, where would this go, if I did not begin to feel something for this girl. Not the standard teen aged male sort of feeling that I want to be lip locked with her somewhere during second period history, but rather a sort of comradery, and desire to share with her, and have her share with me. Simple put, I wanted to be with her, not only in a romantic sense, but as a partner sense as well.

Well, early november rolls around, and it seems my chance is starting to creep onto the horizon. Though I can't remember the cause of it all, I do remember clearly this line of thought being openned, and brought into the open. During this time, we bond even further, speaking to each other, taking solace in the fact we are trying to figure things out together. This part ends with with us being together, her chosing me over her other romantic interest at the time, and for two months, life couldn't be happier. We spoke, we shared moments, and we connected. All the while, my feeling for her growing. This feeling, I learn, would eventually scare her, and push her away.

The two months pass, and she comes back from her christmas vacation, telling me she is confused about how she feels, and doesn't think it fair to put me through that confusion, and wait for her. Well, being a guy, and so simply smitten as I was, I wait, but I try to respect her wishes. This only leads to more confusion between us. This eventually ends in me torturing myself to a point, where I believe she just wants to be friends, so I take the noble path, and back off in an attempt to have things clarified, and where we stand with each other defined. Bad idea, and the second I get through saying it, I regret it instantly. I'm not one to regret my comments. This leads to admissions of feelings, which leave me regretting my decision even further.

This, then, leaves me where I stand now. Over 24 hours without sleep, unless intermittent 20 minute cat naps count, loaded with caffiene, and my mind working a mile a minute, writing some of the most lucid, philosophical nonsense I have seen on my computer screen. So, I just thought I'd share. Enjoy.

Quote:

Why is it that we, as society, over complicate every aspect of our lives. Matters of mind, body and love, we have an inherent desire, if not drive, to turn the most simple of thoughts, emotions and desires into a complex web of thoughts, which serves to do little more then befuddle and confuse us. We are incapable of simplicity, and yet we cannot function without believing that we are comfortable with it. We turn the comprehendible simplicity into the incoherent mess of complexity. There is no longer pure, unadulterated thought or emotion, but rather a mocking display of life. We demand entertainment, often paying more to see the latest, sub-par teen drama, complete with stereo-typed roles, than we will spend on food, the most basic sustenance of life. We complicate the needs of our life, turning simple necessities into complex, drawn out issues, believing one thing to be more than it is, and another to be less important than it should be. We somehow believe that the Teen Drama will sustain or fulfill us in ways that a simple meal, or pleasure of reality, often for half the price, would not, or could not. A true oxymoron of society though, is to attempt to simplify what should not be, and complicate that which should remain simple. Everything we deem important, we demand be presented to us in thirty second blogs, anything more, and we cannot handle or perceive the complexity. Yet, with this media-centric mindset, we try to simplify the complex, by shortening the time span in which it can be presented to us, in turn only creating a more complicated thought process, as there is no way we can address complexity in thirty seconds. We have effectively over-complicated, the complicated. We attempt to believe we can simplify life, in turn, only creating a complex tapestry of what it once was. We ignore the basics, and make a mountain out of the mole hill. We have worked ourselves into a state of being, in that to us, a rock is not simply a rock, but it is something more, or at least should be something more. We must look at it, analyze it, label it and think it more then it actually is. We have been taught that to open our minds, but as a result, we have done nothing more than close our thoughts to the simple matters of life, confusing them with what should be complicated, leaving only a jumbled mess of thought, confusion and complexity. To us, a rock is no longer a rock, but something symbolic, or compelling. It has gained the level of importance equal to the slip of the tongue, or the workings of world politics. In essence, we have idolized the rock, so that it is something that it is not, and placed it on the same level of the things in life that truly are complex and complicated. And yet, we attempted to simplify the latter, addressing world issues in the thirty second format, denouncing the complexity of the issue, and elevating something that is purely simple, to a level undeserving. We are, in truth, simple creatures, no more complex to the next being, and yet, we believe we are complex. It is not so difficult to understand people, when you look at the basics: Survival and procreation. The complexity of people is not in why we are here, or what we do, but rather, the fact we seem to think there is some grandiose purpose in store for every individual. Why is it we cannot simply exist because we do? Nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps it is a time that we need to step back, take a look at life, and maybe look at a rock, and just see a rock. Time to put what really is supposed to be complex and complicated into it' proper place, and take some joy in the things we don't have to over-analyze.

[ObsidianReturns]

Such is the nature of the human animal. Among the things that makes us different than than any other creature is our ability (some would say deficit) to assign important meanings to mundane things.

As you say, we like to analyze, label and over complicate everything. Things would be much simpler if we didn't overlay our opinions and experiences onto things.

I know it's been a while since I've been around, but I recall Aegis speaking of this young lady before. And like you mate, I've been through rough times with women I love. The problem that we get into, is that we start to give every action of theirs some greater meaning. And at night, since they occupy a large part of our mind, we think of them, and further analyze our interactions with them. Vicious cycle to say the least.

It really does suck the way everything turned out for you, but what the hell. No one ever said life is fair, or right, or even good. It just IS. It is as complex or simple as we choose to make it.

Hang in their Aegis, we're all pulling for ya.

[Aegis]

Actually, I spoke to her today, and it seems we're both on a very healthy track to being the great friends we were before all this happened. Can't say I'm completly happy with how it turned out, but it's probably for the best, considering the drama we put ourselves through.

As for the philosophy, I think a lot more can be expected from me. I just learned about Meta-physics