memorial manners (no spam please)

[Fiona]

I was at a memorial service today. It was a Christian service, and the person who died was a member of an evangelical sect. I liked this person very much. I was only vaguely aware of her religious affiliation. It was not something she talked about very much. At the service there were many people who knew her in all sorts of capacities. Some very moving memories were spoken by her friends.

What bothered me was that the religious person who led the service took the opportunity to try to convert the congregation. He told us that those who did not find God would go to hell and never be reunited with her, as the Christians would. And a lot of other stuff in the same vein.

I am not religious and I found this made me very angry. The person I knew was funny, tolerant, respectful person. I could not believe she would have wanted him to use the occasion in this way. But I know very little of religion and perhaps I am wrong. It felt exploitative to me, though he probably thought it his duty to take every chance to save souls.

Is this usual ? Does anyone else find it offensive ?

[Aegis]

I found the same thing happened at my Grandmother's funeral last spring. It was planned by my Aunt and Uncle, who happen to be Jehova's Witnesses. Throughout the entire service, the guy giving the service (coincidently, a close friend of my uncle's) continued to give it with a particular spin, leaving my father and myself with clenched teeth. We were quite offended by the whole thing (especially considering we're the only two, non god fearing people in the family. Everyone else believes strongly. It's also a coincidence that were the only two to be academically learned from university )

[Chanak]

It's actually a pretty typical occurence amongst more fundamentalist christian evangelical denominations. Your friend sounds like a real gem - someone who was more concerned with how she conducted herself and how she treated others than how others conducted themselves - as opposed to the normal fare encountered from such groups. Most are rabid in their conversion efforts, holding no opportunity to gain converts (which is basically *any* situation in *every* possible circumstance) as off-limits. They can be exceedingly tacky and horrendously offensive to most people's sensibilities. The funeral service you describe sounds depressingly familiar to me.

I feel for you, for I have found myself in similar situations. Remember your friend, and how she conducted herself. That is what matters.

[Phreddie]

Ive nver had this happen at a funeral, but a friend of mine was confronted quite violently at the mall by an evangelist on a bike, the man actually started throwing ppieces of said bike at my friends when he blew him off. this people are getting a lil crazy.

[Fiona]

Thanks, Chanak. I will remember her. I thought that was what the service was about, but the leader apparently did not agree. I did not want to be angry, and it has got in the way of how today should have been. I'll put it behind me, but it's sad to think this is not a unique occurrence.

[dragon wench]

I've had several brushes with this type of situation.
Recently I was at a wedding. The attending guests were largely secular, and the couple themselves are quite secular. Yet the pastor took it upon himself to turn the ceremony into a heavy-handed religious affair...

A friend of mind has attended several baptisms where a minister spoke extensively about the baby in question as truly blessed and fortunate to be born into a Christian home, since other babies will surely go to Hell.

The worst was my own mother's funeral...
My father went through a pretty basic, no frills funeral home. The minister we spoke to assured us ahead of time that he would keep the service secular. He did not.....
I have rarely been quite that angry.

[Dottie]

I don't know... why do you go to services with people you don't like? Personally I would just leave the fundies alone and remember my friend myself. While I really dislike many things about zealots I wouldn't think the negative things with them changes because they happen to know someone I know, and behave as they usually do when that person dies.

[Fiona]

@Dottie. I think you are probably right. I went because I thought it was important for her family. It honestly did not occur to me that this would happen. It seems it's not that unusual, sadly. I will think very carefully about how to balance these things in future.

[Ravager]

I wouldn't be happy about it either, and I'm sorry about the death of your friend.

I guess they feel that the opportunity to get more people attending services is worth it, many people seem to use churches for special occasions but otherwise do not attend.

[Fiona]

@Ravager. Thanks for your good wishes. As to your second point, is it any wonder ?

[Ravager]

That seems like a vicious circle though. They won't be satisfied until there are more people but they themselves are 'scaring' the people away.
Still, it must appear better than the alternative of doing nothing.

[Phreddie]

to add on to ravs second point, isnt it odd, but not really, that the majority of people who "find god" and say they have been saved and what not are the only people who would need Him, i.e. convicted criminals, the homeless. isnt it also ironic that they would turn to god event hough from the looks of thier life it appears god has forsakne them... they thank him for all they have, but they have almost nothing, why didnt god help before they fell?

[Ravager]

You could say that was a hope and/or a rehabilitation thing. Even if it's just to be more accepted by a community at large.
But then that might not be seen as true faith, it's certainly not selfless.

[Chimaera182]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fiona What bothered me was that the religious person who led the service took the opportunity to try to convert the congregation. He told us that those who did not find God would go to hell and never be reunited with her, as the Christians would. And a lot of other stuff in the same vein. I am not religious and I found this made me very angry. The person I knew was funny, tolerant, respectful person. I could not believe she would have wanted him to use the occasion in this way. But I know very little of religion and perhaps I am wrong. It felt exploitative to me, though he probably thought it his duty to take every chance to save souls.

I find that extremely offensive. Unfortunately, it's a tried and true tactic that people have exploited for years: get someone while they're in an emotional state, and it's easier to manipulate them. An example of this is the funeral home industry; they do their very best to milk people out of their money while they're grieving for their departed loved ones, suggesting the best and, naturally, most expensive caskets for them. It's what your enter relation here would have wanted, to send you into deep debt. The person who led the service was praying on the crowd because death was clearly on their minds at that moment. What better time to make people worry about their own immortal souls?

I'm sorry you had to experience that and I'm sorry for your loss. As Chanak said, just remember your friend and how she was.

[Hill-Shatar]

First and always foremost, sorry for you loss, Fiona. How are you doing?

I am personally very lucky. Growing up in a somewhat rural community was lucky for me. Elle is a wonderful woman, who everyone loves to see. She keeps what she says to the point, and is always kind. I remember that she drove 4 hours to sit in a waiting room with someone she barely knew, because that person happened to live in the community.

She never tries to say anything to convert us, she always has just tried to keep the family at ease, and to try and make the passing as painless as she can, even though she knows it is a near futile attempt, in some cases.

People like this prey on those who are emotionally weakened. Not only that, but these people want to believe that their loved ones went on to some sort of happy and peaceful afterlife. So, they try to bulk their numbers... it seems that they always try to milk tragedies as much as possible.

Offensive, but no laws can regard religion unless it is going to cause harm, such as human sacrficices, or an old tradition of the leader of the housde drawing a symblo with blood on the front door to remove the devil. Therefore, noly the community can hold itself to gether, and sometimes this can be a very sad community indeed.

I guess I spent to much time in places where the life was cheap... the local flowershop always donated flowers, the air was always clean, no one ever sped by the funeral home... now I live in Calgary, a large city, and it seems that nothing, not even death, can stop anything like this from happening.

My sympathies.