Love, making you suffer since..

[Locke Da'averan]

most likely talked too many times and i'll get atleast CE wrath for this but just gotta vent it. i ******* hate love. sure it's great at times but most times it makes my stomach turn upside down and nauseated and i can't breath and everything. god if only one could feel him/herself happy without having to be in love. but having someone to wait you to come home etc. is too many times the same thing as having someone you love there and i'm not talking about family i'm talking about the "significant other".

having someone is great, having someone you love is pain, even if you happen to be the one out of 1000000000 who doesn't get cheated or lied to you will lose the other one in death and that is if you're lucky.. i'm just about getting enough of my current relationship but on the other hand, i still love her most of the time. the rest, <CENCORED>.

just gotta say it one more time here in SYM.. maybe the 903626th time will give the whole mankind the answer or atleast to ppl who seek the same as me.

here it goes..

"where are the loyal non-cheating, non-lying women?(and men for women)"

i'm one such male, and i don't know anything anymore.. *sigh*

[Thomas77]

Originally Posted by Locke Da'averan

most likely talked too many times and i'll get atleast CE wrath for this but just gotta vent it. i fuc**ing hate love. sure it's great at times but most times it makes my stomach turn upside down and nauseated and i can't breath and everything. god if only one could feel him/herself happy without having to be in love. but having someone to wait you to come home etc. is too many times the same thing as having someone you love there and i'm not talking about family i'm talking about the "significant other".

having someone is great, having someone you love is pain, even if you happen to be the one out of 1000000000 who doesn't get cheated or lied to you will lose the other one in death and that is if you're lucky.. i'm just about getting enough of my current relationship but on the other hand, i still love her most of the time. the rest, <CENCORED>.

just gotta say it one more time here in SYM.. maybe the 903626th time will give the whole mankind the answer or atleast to ppl who seek the same as me.

here it goes..

"where are the loyal non-cheating, non-lying women?(and men for women)"

i'm one such male, and i don't know anything anymore.. *sigh*

I'm a guy...I'm not a cheater...seriously....

But on a more serious note. I'm with ya man, I know what you're talking about. Love does hurt, but it's also one of the greatest feelings in the world. It's sort of a crap shoot though. You can increase your odds of finding a decent girl depending on where you look (let your common sense rule the day on that). And keep your standards high; you might be single a bit longer than you really want to be, but in the end you stand a better chance of finding that perfect person.

[C Elegans]

Poor Locke, you must have been terribly unlucky in love ...according to statistics, about 50% of the Scandinavian, UK and American population do not cheat on their partners, so the chance to find someone who is not cheating on you should be 50/50.

If you are systematically unlucky in love, you must ask yourself if it is merely lack of luck, or whether other factors play a role. Let me ask you some questions:

1. Are you very unlucky, ie almost all your partners cheat or lie, or have you had honest partners previously that you don't count right now (perhaps because something bad just happened to you, or because it was a long time ago, etc)?

2. If yes, almost all your women cheated and lied to you - do you see any specific patterns? Did these women have something else in common personality wise? Did the relationships have something in common, ie was it at a similar stage in the relationship or after a certain amount of time they started to behave badly?

3. The hardest question of all: what role do you play in this? Do you tend to fall in love with the wrong kind of women? Do you tend to develop your relationships in a similar way? Do you yourself develop certain behaviours in loving relationships with women?

You don't need to answer these questions to me here at SYM if you don't feel like it, you can answer them to yourself, but they are important questions to find answers to if you want to understand something more about why people cheat and lie, and why it happens to you.

[Magrus]

I went through this the past few years, my younger brother and I spent the weekend discussing it. I've got an odd and strange set-up with a girl now, still odd even though we worked out her difficulties with it. Luckily, I can trust her. She'll tell me the truth even if I won't like what it is that she's saying. I appreciate that.

I'm sorry if this offends, and please don't take this the wrong way girls, I'm the guy that chases down the males that cheat on my female friends but IMO girls SUCK. I love girls, I've tried the whole avoiding them and it does NOT work I end up miserable. I can't stand guys most of the time because I know how a lot of them act with females and it disgusts me. A lot of girls aren't any different or better though, which makes me wonder whether it is a part of human nature, or one is feeding the other and became a viscious cycle.

Too often I've dealt with getting into an argument and taking a few days apart from a girl to find out months later she'd gone and screwed one of her friends instead of deciding to resolve the issue with me. Not only that, no, she doesn't understand why I can't trust her afterwards. Makes me want to tear my hair out. It doesn't compute with me to be honest. The stupidity of that combination drives me mad.

Not only that, people don't seem able to communicate properly. People nowadays don't seem to truly understand the concept of what love really is either. They jump into it thinking it's like a fairy tale from a book, or from TV and I want to slap those people. Reality can be harsh, and love is no different. Falling in love with someone opens you up to having one person in the world who can bring you intense happiness and contentment, but also the worst pain and misery you can imagine as well. It's not always easy and fun and great, it's hard sometimes.

On top of just the relationship itself, you've got outside factors making it harder too. Money, and location and work and everything can RUIN a loving relationship if it isn't handled properly. The stress from those things can cause people to do horrible things to get rid of that in a manner that hurts their loved ones.

I probably shouldn't be ranting after not sleeping last night.

[VonDondu]

Originally Posted by Locke Da'averan

god if only one could feel him/herself happy without having to be in love.

I'm just taking a stab in the dark here, but I think that might be the key to your problem: you can't feel happy unless you're in love. But obviously, being in love does not make you happy. If you're not happy if you're not in love and you're not happy if you are in love, then it sounds like you can't be happy at all. So the obvious question is, what would make you happy?

Let's take the statement you made above and rephrase it: you can't feel happy unless you feel loved. I think that's closer to the truth. Humans are social animals, and we have very deep emotional needs. For whatever evolutionary, developmental, or biological reasons, our parents are psychologically the most important people in our lives, so that's good place to start looking at our social needs. Just taking a guess, I think you might be suffering from "obsessive love". The main cause of obsessive love is not getting enough love from your parents; you end up transferring all of your dependencies on the person you love, and the relationship is doomed from the beginning. Personally, I think the main reason why people search for God is because they need a parental figure in their lives who can surpass their parents; for example, when you realize that your parents are weak and fallible and cannot protect you from things like death, you might turn to an omnipotent being who can give you perfect love constantly and protect you from death and give you immortality in the afterlife. I'm not saying that proves or disproves the existence of God; I'm simply making a point about our deep psychological dependence on our parents and how it can be transferred to other beings. God really can make you happy (if you let him, or if you drink the Kool-Aid, depending on how you look at it). But you're taking a really big risk if you expect another person, especially a potential mate, to satisfy all of your emotional needs and make you happy.

If someone asked you why you want to continue your relationship with your current girlfriend, what would you say? Would you say that having her near you makes you feel good? That's an easy trap to walk into, and it's not easy to walk out of. But any friend of yours should give you the following rebuttal: She's not making you feel good; she's making you unhappy!

Take my advice: if someone makes you feel unhappy, then she's no good for you, and you need to leave her. You're with the wrong person if you think that love is horrible. The best argument I can give you is a 2x4: I think someone needs to hit you over the head.

There are lots of faithful, loving women out there who could make you very happy. But you have to love them for what they are, and you can't bring a lot of emotional baggage to the relationship, or it won't work.

I used to have a problem with obsessive love, but I'm reasonably content right now. I don't experience as many thrills as somelike like, say, C Elegans does, so I wouldn't say I'm on a constant high, but my happiness is pretty steady, and I don't let things get me down, including, or should I say especially, the failings or shortcomings of other people.

Chin up.

[Moonbiter]

So there I was. My love life was absolutely nil, and my interaction with women had been reduced to endless drunken one-night stands with the compulsory regrets and lame excuses the day after. I'd spent 20 years nurturing my own boneheaded faithful notions about romance, and was lied to, cheated on and generally left up a certain creek without a certain implement for more times than I have been drinking to forget. Most of it was my own fault, as I've had a near clinical tendency to fall for and hook up with women who nobody but Motley Crüe in their most sordid prime would give the time of day. I reached a point where I'd actually turned into a grotesque, misogynist parody of my former self.
So I finally gave up. I stopped hittin' downtown during the weekends, I stopped talking to women, even my oldest and dearest female friends (who had at the time grown pretty tired of my antics) and I withdrew from The Game. I bought a big sailboat, put my home up for lease, and decided to just sail off to wherever guys like me can have some peace of mind.
Then, some 2 weeks before I left, I got picked up at a really posh "do" where I'd stolen a couple of bubbly and sat down in the far end of the garden just to avoid being noticed. She's still here today, five years later, and I've become the "Big Romantic" again.

Is there a moral to this? Nope. You whining, sniveling little teenage schmucks (who remind me a bit too much of myself at that age) better get used to the idea that you will experience the same gruelling, heartbursting, belly-vacuuming kind of crap that all the rest of us has had to endure, and stop posting "Dear Polly" threads on sites non-related to the topic. There's FAQ's all over the net dealing with this subject, but if you want my honest opinion, talk to real-life friends, look to yourself and learn from every experience, cuz you're gonna have a LOT of them. Period.

Grumpybiter

[Chanak]

Originally Posted by Moonbiter

Grumpybiter

Hear hear.

My own 2 cents:

It all has to do with your choices. Your experience. Your lack of experience. Luck, or bad luck. And let's not forget circumstances, and how the relationship started in the first place. Pain and loss makes you deeper, but it also hurts while it enlarges you.

You might be fortunate and run into someone you click with very well. In the short term, this is sweet. But most relationships will end at some point - some amicable, others ugly. What makes a relationship long-term is an agreement from both parties. You both just have to accept that fact is often more boring than fiction. Things won't always burn like a bonfire, and sometimes you have to add fuel to the fire to keep it lit. Underwear, snoring, and bathroom habits are usually left out of romance stories.

I can tell you right now, ol' Grumpybiter makes an important point. Most lessons are hard to learn, and must be repeated generously throughout one's youth. Most of us are thick-skulled and are incapable of learning the hard lessons vicariously. They must be experienced first-hand, often multiple times, in order for them to sink in.