Love in the Age of Google

[dragon wench]

Love in the Age of Google
By MARTHA IRVINE
CHICAGO

Dating used to be largely a matter of spending time with a love interest, discovering the good, the bad and the ugly in person. If you were lucky, friends helped fill in some of the blanks.

These days, the Internet -- and the ability to check people out before they ever meet up -- has forever changed the rules.

For better or worse, "googling" your date has become standard practice.

"I often tell my friends that are still in the dating sphere to use the power of Google to their advantage," says Katie Laird, a 24-year-old Web marketing professional and self-proclaimed "social software geek" from Houston.

The results can be enlightening, surprising -- and sometimes, a little disturbing. So Laird's advice also comes with a warning: "Don't google what you can't handle."

Hers is the voice of experience. In her dating life, she regularly did online research on her dates and turned up, among other things, "bizarre" fetishes and a guy who was fascinated with vampires.

"Not my scene at all," Laird says, "and nothing I would've ever guessed over an initial meeting and beer."

She also had to contend with an on-again, off-again boyfriend who googled her on a daily basis to try and track her every move. The story did end happily, however, when she met her future husband online.

In some ways, having a social networking page -- or pages -- has become the new calling card. It's a way for people to check out photos and find out what they have in common, even when they've already met in person.

That was the case for Brad White, a 23-year-old recent college grad in Chicago, who met his current girlfriend through friends at a bar -- and immediately looked her up on Facebook. "The commonality of our music taste and friends is what prompted me to ask her out," White says, "obviously, besides the attraction."

The details people find also can provide a few talking points to get past the initial awkwardness of a first date -- though not everyone likes to admit that they've done their research.

"It seems like in contemporary dating, it's this elaborate dance between two people who already know a lot of what their date is talking about, but they can't admit it," says David Silver, an assistant professor of media studies at the University of San Francisco who studies online culture.

"You nod your head with curiosity, but you already know what they're going to say."

Even he is amazed at the level of information that can be dug up these days.

With a little creativity and Internet savvy, a person can find anything from blog postings to news stories that might include personal details -- and whether people are telling the truth about their age and where they've lived.

It helps to know some basic details upfront, such as an e-mail address that could help turn up an online nickname; some go as far as paying for an online background check.

Often, though, information is almost too easy to find.

MaryBeth Moore discovered that after she got a call from a guy her mother's hairdresser suggested as a good match. At first, Moore was game. But then she checked out his MySpace page and found photos showing him naked in a bath tub.

"Don't worry -- I canceled the date," says Moore, who's 24 and lives in West Palm Beach, Fla.

There's also the problem of mistaken identity.

Lisa Phillips, a 31-year-old San Franciscan, was not pleased, for instance, when a search of online images turned up photos of a porn star who shares her name. She can laugh about it now.

"But it's definitely NOT the first impression I want to make with my dates," she says. "Very embarrassing."

It's a big reason people should take the information they find online "with a grain of salt," says Dr. Paul Dobransky, a Chicago-based psychiatrist and author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love."

He says there's nothing wrong with doing a little online homework -- but thinks the focus should remain on face-to-face interaction to make a final judgment.

"Our minds are more made for in-person, slow contact in getting to know one another," Dobransky says.

In the end, Danielle Martinetti says online research really only helps to a point, anyway. "The crazy stuff usually becomes apparent on the actual date," the 30-year-old New Yorker says.

"No amount of online searching is going to tell you that a person has issues with his mother, loves to be described as a George Clooney look-alike, has an overzealous obsession with hand sanitizer, or that he prefers to sit facing the door in a restaurant 'just in case.'"

While I can understand people researching their dates I suppose.... I find the whole practice more than a little disturbing.
Thoughts?

[BlueSky]

Thoughts?

I think I'd rather eat Spam......

I've always thought of any online info as being an invasive of my privacy, being as how it is usually posted without one's permission or knowledge.
Although I do have to add that my cousin used an online dating site and has been successful in finding a wonderful significant other.

[dragon wench]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueSky Thoughts? I think I'd rather eat Spam...... I've always thought of any online info as being an invasive of my privacy, being as how it is usually posted without one's permission or knowledge. Although I do have to add that my cousin used an online dating site and has been successful in finding a wonderful significant other.

I agree entirely (though I'm not too sure about the eating of spam part )
I really don't like when information that has been posted without the person's consent is researched, to my mind it makes that sense of invasion so much worse. The thing is, I also don't really like it when people go looking up blogs and such posted by their love interest. It just seems so very wrong to me...
I can, I suppose, understand it to a degree, but it is not something I would personally do. Where circumstances allow, I think that gradually getting to know one another, slowly unfolding a complexity of layers, is far more preferable to rooting around and effectively spying on somebody without their knowledge. This is a major reason why I would never keep a public blog.

[Monolith]

Call me conservative, but I prefer the old way. I like suprises, I like getting to know somebody through face-to-face interaction and I prefer the mystery and the "initial awkwardness of a first date". One look in the eyes tells me more than a whole myspace-page.

[Moonbiter]

The girls who work for me Google every man they encounter. Me and the male employees can't believe our ears. They have the stalker thing down to a pat, and can't see that there's anything wrong with it. If they are invited on a date, they'll dig up every detail they can on the person they're meeting, and discuss it between them Psychos!

[BlueSky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monolith Call me conservative, but I prefer the old way. I like suprises, I like getting to know somebody through face-to-face interaction and I prefer the mystery and the "initial awkwardness of a first date". One look in the eyes tells me more than a whole myspace-page.

Well put Monolith...
I don't think that the relationship that I have now, would have happened in a google type atmosphere....
it was the face to face meeting that made the difference.

[Kipi]

Also, when googling up information, can you even trust that the results give you the correct picture? And even further, how on earth do you manage to find any specific info about specific person with googling, if he or she isn't somewhat known person has done something which has gotten people's attention?

For example, inspired by this thread, I tried to google (and used several other searching engines and methods), and I wasn't able to find even single peace of information of myself from net.

So, basically if you try to find information of specific normal person, you must know rather specifically where to look at.

Also, about the correctnes of information, how can you be sure the information is even close to truth? For example, if someone who knew my name here in GB tried to figure out what kind of person I'm in real life, it would be rather hard and the assumptions would probably be rather inaccure. Yes, some general information would be possible to gather, like the fact that I listen metal and play certain type of games, but hardly anything else.

Same goes to myspace and such. How can you be sure that the information isn't inaccurate, maybe even exaggerated? Many tend to do that because the anonymity which the internet offers is too tempting. I know this as I have done it (not revealing you how much of that happens here in my part )

So, after all this rambling, I say I trust more to the "normal" ways to find out about different persons, as that way you usually get the best and most accurate picture.

Of course, some dating service in internet may be good to certain type of people. But I'm not that kind of person.

[Lady Dragonfly]

I think somebody has to actually post information about himself/herself first, right? Otherwise, how can you possibly find anything about that person? Of course, somebody else can maliciously post compromising information/pictures/videos without the person's in question knowledge or consent (and it happens way too often), but why create the potential problem by making those videos etc. in the first place? I think it is at least unwise.

I suppose a lot of people have official information about them (or their business) on-line, but unless this information is about being a sex offender, child molester and such, no harm done.

Actually, not long time ago I've googled my forum name and was very embarassed to find out that it was used more widely (and liberally) than I expected. I don't mind art or books, but an "erotic" site is a bit too much... Anyway, for the record, I've never had any personal web site of any kind, never posted pictures/videos of any kind...

Dating service? NEVER. I am very conservative in this aspect (and in many others too )

[dragon wench]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Dragonfly I think somebody has to actually post information about himself/herself first, right? Otherwise, how can you possibly find anything about that person? Of course, somebody else can maliciously post compromising information/pictures/videos without the person's in question knowledge or consent (and it happens way too often), but why create the potential problem by making those videos etc. in the first place? I think it is at least unwise.

I agree concerning the posting of information about one's self. As I said above, this is one reason why I would never, ever keep a public blog. I simply can't imagine why anybody would want to share the intimate details of their lives in a place that all can read. Of course, I also don't understand the people that get on talk shows and reveal all....

Regarding the stuff that gets put up without consent, my feeling is that it is very wrong. Sure, the safest is to simply not engage in such activities in the first place, but it is also about trust. For example (and so we are clear here, it's as not as though I'd actually do this ), if I were to have some nude photos taken of myself and I sent them to somebody close to me, they would be betraying my trust if they posted them online, and I'd have very right to be utterly furious.

[DarthMarth]

crime against nature. Chemical reactions don't occur on the internet.

[dragon wench]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarthMarth crime against nature. Chemical reactions don't occur on the internet.

Meaning what precisely?

[The Z]

One word: Facebook!

[Chimaera182]

Speaking as someone who's gotten all his dates online, I don't really see the problem. It's not as if dating hasn't evolved before: there was a time where young girls had their marriages arranged to guys three times their age, simply out of monetary or societal gain. Those who are uncomfortable with this kind of meeting of potential mates are just used to the so-called "traditional" version of dating. But really, meeting someone online is about the same as it is meeting someone at a bar or a party (with only the possibility of misrepresentation of appearances being thrown in). I saw some mention issues of privacy. If you put your information out there for someone to read, you aren't going to be so concerned with privacy. If you do have a problem with it, you aren't as likely to indulge in meeting people in such a way. Once you ascertain that you have similar interests, then you can meet in person. In some cases, it alleviates the first-date awkwardness and tension; in other cases, it makes it worse. All in all, sounds basically the same as if you met this person in a public place before going on a first date.

[dragon wench]

@Chim,
I don't especially disagree with you. In my view, getting to know somebody online isn't really all that different.

But, my sense of the article is that people are googling the individuals they meet even if it is in 3D (i.e "RL").... and I think that changes the dynamic a bit.
Now let's assume I were single. I would be quite angry to find out that somebody I had met in RL and was dating had decided to look me up on Google...
As it stands, unless they knew my GB handle, they wouldn't be able to do anything like that because my real name isn't out there (well it is, but somebody who shares my name is listed as being a botonist or something ). But that's not really the point, I don't have a blog or anything similar to check out, and therefore if somebody did try to look me up it would indeed be intrusive and an invasion of my privacy because I would have done nothing to invite it. In my view, I choose to share things about myself with somebody else at my own leisure and discretion, and if they try to dig before I'm ready to share, that's it, game over and they're out.

[DesR85]

I agree with Monolith here, to be honest. Meeting someone (or practically anybody) face-to-face is still much better than meeting someone online. Anybody can lie online but it's much harder to lie about yourself in real life. Also, I don't post real information online as I don't want to be a target to internet-related threats (As what the Rangers in Company of Heroes say: "Don't be a target!"). So don't expect to dig up accurate information about me.