The 'mother-in-law' is on another spamming up the inbox binge today...
At least I can put her missives to good use here though...
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
A doctor, that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicine that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes
grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16 year old
granddaughter's glass of orange juice.................and believe me,
it helps me sleep at night."
The Prize
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
For the Football fans
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
"Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the me eting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here
to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly,-----
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
Crap!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior's centre....
Women Drivers....
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!
a great start for a collection.
Linear Mode
