Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek

VoodooDali · #1 (**permalink**) 04-30-2003, 08:47 PM

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. ©United Media, 1997

There are so many Star Trek spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam him or her into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough Holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Tamerlane · #2 (**permalink**) 04-30-2003, 08:53 PM

LOL, I want a novelty handheld device

Gruntboy · #3 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 09:10 AM

This is so funny. Dilbert and Star Trek in the same thread.

I always hated it when the aliens were too clever and had to be defeated with calculus or neutrinos. Why even bother with phasers and torpedoes if violence doesn't solve anything?

garazdawi · #4 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 09:21 AM

geeee...... I wonder if this author ever though about these things

@ Medical Sealer: I never saw anyone who is not a doctor use this device.....just as I've never seen anyone use a heavy tranquilizer on a friend......there is a thing called prescription
@ Transporter: built in computer check to see if the co-ordinates are "beamable".
@ Holodeck: the fake will never be the same as the real. Altough Cindy might make a good friend there is always the machine that controls here..... she is no Data

oh well.....I suppose someone now will find a loop hole in my arguments..... I just like ppl to get their facts right before publishing anything....

Ned Flanders · #5 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 09:29 AM

Quote:

by garazdawi
just as I've never seen anyone use a heavy tranquilizer on a friend

It's really something you should experience. It can be quite a rush, especially when the friend uses the tranq on you!

Bloodstalker · #6 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 09:54 AM

*gives Ned a heavy dose of tranqualizers*

Ned Flanders · #7 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 09:56 AM

See what I mean! Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile.

RandomThug · #8 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 01:12 PM

@ Medical Sealer: I never saw anyone who is not a doctor use this device.....just as I've never seen anyone use a heavy tranquilizer on a friend......there is a thing called prescription

- And there is such a thing called black market or illegal use therof.

@ Transporter: built in computer check to see if the co-ordinates are "beamable".

- Trust me I would never want a computer to be in charge of making sure my atoms get in line, in the future Windows ZLT will still be as buggy as 95.

@ Holodeck: the fake will never be the same as the real. Altough Cindy might make a good friend there is always the machine that controls here..... she is no Data

You give me Katies from katiesworld, Anaa Kornakova and Jennifer Love hewiit FAKE and well thats all I would ever need. And trust me Cindy crawford is definitly no data... she is much much better.

btw its a work of humor, no need to get all your facts straight when your intention isnt to prove, but to jest.

garazdawi · #9 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by RandomThug
btw its a work of humor, no need to get all your facts straight when your intention isnt to prove, but to jest.

true....I can see it as humour...just wanted to point out that most of the stuff is not 100% as it is shown in ST......

@Ned: I try to keep away from things that takes control of my will......but maybe I'll try it

RandomThug · #10 (**permalink**) 05-01-2003, 03:01 PM

@gara
Dont shroom or do acid. Will goes by by and scary stuff happens. Dont ask.

Osiris · #11 (**permalink**) 05-02-2003, 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by garazdawi

@ Transporter: built in computer check to see if the co-ordinates are "beamable".

Probably using Microsoft BeamMaster v5.1103 (we hope we've got most of the bugs out of it by now).

Gwalchmai · #12 (**permalink**) 05-02-2003, 09:28 AM

You are absolutely right, Voodoo. Life is not like Star Trek. Yesterday I was wearing a red shirt. Today I am still here (wearing a purple shirt). Proof positive.

Enchantress · #13 (**permalink**) 05-02-2003, 05:09 PM

I would like to confess that I own two Star Trek shirts - one red and one blue - a communicator badge and 2 pips.

This is because I worked at the Star Trek exhibition at the Science Museum (London) a couple of years ago and got to keep the uniform!

Nippy · #14 (**permalink**) 05-02-2003, 05:26 PM

Did they give you a pair of Vulcan ears too?

Enchantress · #15 (**permalink**) 05-02-2003, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Nippy
Did they give you a pair of Vulcan ears too?

Funny you should say that because my boss, who was a lovely gay Welshman, was very much into his vulcan ears and wore them on the opening day when there was lots of publicity.

Personally, I'm more Betazoid than Vulcan...