In Search of the Holy Spam

[Obsidian]

They found it. Found what he thought. FOUND THE HOLY SPAM answered the voice in his head. Two thoughts passed his mind. First, he now refers to I in the second person, secondly, he thought, how could spam be holy if I were summoned to defeat it? YES, ERM, UMM. PERHAPS THE UNHOLY SPAM?
For voices in my head, he thought, your not very convincing. AREN'T I!?
No, your really not. YES I AM! commanded his inner voice. Touche, he thought. Now what inner voice? He asked aloud, drawing attention from all corners. Yes well, I am wearing the armour of C0MM, and someone scythed my tape deck. There would be a reckoning, because the tape inside was not his, it belonged to Knight Rider. "Yup, he's gonna be pissed. Don't you all have drinking and spamming to be done?" THEY DO! Yes, I know, I suggested that. SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW. No, I really already did. Do you enjoy stating the obvious. YES, AND ONLY THE OBVIOUS. Of all the psychosis to attain he thought, I got Captain Obvious.
THAT'S AN ARMY RANK! Thank you YOUR WELCOME.

[ik911]

But everybody was away. Disappeared, it seemed. Maybe he just dreamt all the people and the raven and the taperecorder and the radioactive amulet.

He hoped they were hiding, yelling SURPRISE when he least expected it. But now he expected it, so they were too late.

Perhaps they're still celebrating Christmas in another town, where it's much cosier.

Maybe they all went searching for the taperecorder he just found and the amulet? Icarus decided to wait for their return in the Tap and Tea.

In the bar there was only a guy in armor. It somehow reminded him of the pond. The pond was lovely during summer. People would swim in it and wash their clothes and dishes and Icarus would stand by the side, leaning on his scythe with a straw in his mouth, with the sleeves of his long black robe up and his sandaled feet sticking from underneath it.

It was time to address the man in armor.

The scyther spoke in his lowest most creepy voice while positioning his head in such a way that the large cap of his robe would cast a shadow over his face, making it impossible to properly see his eyes: "YOU! Doth thou reckon the word 'sandaled' existeth?"

Icarus gave himself the shivers. But it was for a good cause.

[dj_venom]

"That raven stole my lunch. I demand he returns himself to me at once and jumps on my barbecue, preferably defeathering himself while he is at it." Venom shouted all that as he burst into the building.

Suddenly he stopped. Looking around, he saw a most unusual sight. There were two women sitting obvious in the room, commanding the attention of all, several men scattered about, a weirdo in armour, and an even more weird guy hiding in the corner.

This was certainly a strange place to be in. Perhaps it would be best if he left... after finding that damn bird. Now, where could it be. Before he could react, the laziness set in, and promptly seating himself at the bar, he ordered some drinks.

Perhaps this place wasn't so bad afterall. The only thing that could top this off would be to find out where the Raven is, or what he wants.

[ik911]

As he was standing in the door, someone bumped into him from behind.

He looked back. It was the Priest.

"Damnit, I thought you were dj_venom!" Icarus cursed.

"No, dj_venom came in at an earlier time, when the Tap and Tea still had people in it."

"Oh yes, I see." Icarus looked around. Still, the only person present was a man in armor, but slowly, the image of dj_venom faded in. He put his scythe against the wall and rubbed his eyes with both hands. What an unusual sight, to see someone slowly appear as if he'd been sitting there for quite a while.

"What's happening?" he asked the Priest. The Priest knew a lot, but was a mysterious figure.

"Different timescales are described", the Priest answered. But Icarus did not know what he meant by that.

"Whaddayamean?" he inquired.

"There is confusion and people disappear."

"Yes, I noticed"

"Order needs to be re-established."

"Well, thanks." But Icarus said "-anks" to the wall. The Priest had disappeared again.

"This just keeps getting more confusing every minute."

[Fiona]

The Tap and Tea was Fiona’s favourite pub. She spent a lot of time there. OK, there was the occasional brawl, but nothing to what you got almost everywhere else in SYM. You could enjoy a drink without being assaulted (usually) and it was well stocked. So she was a bit surprised by the reactions of the people who had drifted in after the Raven had disappeared. She had thought she knew some of these people, but although they were recognisable they seemed a little out of kilter today. Perhaps it was the drink (had she been drinking more than usual?) It wasn’t so surprising that she could see two of everyone, but in her experience double vision did not normally mean the twins had split personalities. Yet there it was. She scanned the room and considered each of the people in turn.

Chu had come in and sat down. No Queen song, no drag racing, no punctuation. Could this be the same person? And he had arrived with Slade. Slade was in his usual armour, but he hadn’t said anything. Most unusual. Aegis had appeared, apparently from under the table, although there was no obvious hiding place there. Fiona didn’t really know Aegis, but she didn’t associate him with tunnels – she had thought that was Bloodstalker. Still, she was no historian.

Hill, who was a historian and should know better, was lurking in the shadows. He seemed to think he was invisible. He had changed his little black dress for one in Barbie pink and you couldn’t miss him, so that was a bit odd. And Lasher, fondly imagining himself a priest, had informed her he was convinced that the assembled company had good intentions. He was, perhaps, seriously deluded. Or was she growing cynical?.

The madness did not seem to affect everyone, though. DJ appeared to be relatively untouched (unless his muttering about the Barbie referred to Hill and not to dinner. She hoped not). Tony was hungover. Nothing odd about that, although it was a little surprising that Chu had been able to overpower him so easily. Kipi had listened to the Raven, so you couldn’t blame him for the pause while he considered what it had said. She had thought that Ik was unaffected by the strange events. Reassuringly he was pursuing an agenda all his own. Still he did seem to think he was alone, and that was at the very least an escalation of his usual style. She was not sure what to make of that.

And the warrior with the identity problem was downright disturbing.

The most worrying thing did not strike her immediately. It dawned on her gradually that Ravager was not there. Now that was scary. Phreddie wasn’t there either. She would have thought that he would have been trying to sell his products at such a large gathering, but he wasn’t in sight. What could those two be doing ? She had concluded the Raven was nothing to do with Ravager, but now she was not so sure.

As she thought about it, it seemed that those who had been present when the Raven spoke were relatively unscathed. The rest were far from their usual selves. What could that mean ?

[ik911]

While the armored knight was disappearing, Fiona faded in. He grabbed his amulet. It was glowing purple.

He expected an explanation. Some unimportant character should now be appearing, just like in any adventurous movie, to summarize or explain a certain item or situation.

The Priest reappeared.

"Oh, man, that really sucks! They sent you again to explain to me what this amulet does?" Icarus said.

"Indeed. Let's get it over with."

"Okay." Icarus replied.

"The Amulet shows you who is present in spirit."

"Oh, so that's why it's so empty in here!"

"Exactly", confirmed the anonymous Priest

"What a useless piece of crap", Icarus said while observing the glowing amulet. But "...ece of crap" did not reach the Priest, for he had disappeared again.

He quickly ran over to where Fiona had appeared while she was still there and pinched her arm to see if she was solid or just an illusion. The returned slap in his face was the painful evidence of her solidness.

"Look, Fiona, I know this might be weird, but I have no clue what I'm supposed to do now. Do you happen to know my role in this already absurd story?"

[Fiona]

Fiona considered Ik’s question. What role…….? Warriors and priests were already identified and there were several candidates for clown. Ravager was the eminence grise…what else was there? A half remembered bit of advice came back to her. When you have eliminated the impossible whatever is left, however unlikely, must be the truth. So what did she know about Ik? He was cantankerous and he wasn't a team player. He was scathing. Difficult. Moody. Fiona gasped as it came to her

“Ik, you appear to be the love interest” she said. She wondered who the female lead might be, and looked around the room curiously. DW was present, so it couldn’t be her. Where were the rest of the SYM women? It had to be one of them

[ik911]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fiona “Ik, you appear to be the love interest” she said.

"I feel flattered, Fiona", Icarus replied, "but I have the feeling we should be gathering some kind of party to go on a quest or something... After that, we can do whatever you want."

Icarus suddenly got a flashback. It was summer and he went outside. Kids were playing and he joined them. They were playing hide and seek. It was fun. Then, he realized this was not the time for that flashback and snapped back to the present time.

[dragon wench]

Staring around her at the assembled (and distinctly motley) crowd, DW blinked. She did not just blink once, but in fact she blinked several times.
However, no amount of blinking seemed to dispel the illusion before her. That either meant it was real, or she was still affected by the alcohol. There was a good cure for this, one that would also help to determine if her seemingly skewed portal into reality was indeed strangely warped. Well.. at least, it would help to clarify if it was more warped than usual.

With some determination she went into the back room and reached into the icebox. When she returned to the pub's main room, several chilled tins of Sweet Pokari nestled in her arms. The elixir, originating from a shadowy recipe brewed somewhere in Asia, had the extraordinary power to completely eliminate any alcohol-induced effects upon one's person.

DW passed a tin to Fiona, and then proceeded to gulp the contents of a tin down her own parched throat.
Instantly, her blurred vision cleared, her dizziness dissipated, and her light-headedness vanished....
She breathed a sigh of relief, expecting to see the Tap and Tea restored to its "normal" self. Alas... the crew of oddly-attired Symians still gathered about the tables. All wore faintly expectant and puzzled expressions, and none gave any indication of leaving.

She closed her eyes, hoping against hope that when she opened them....
But no..
However, something did happen. A sudden surge of energy rippled through her entire being, and she was gripped by the certain knowledge that she was able to weave magical currents to perform her bidding in any way she pleased.

DW felt faintly confused, but also, distinctly self-confident. She stretched her hands experimentally, and much as she expected, a crackle of octarine blue sparks (of course it was blue, magical energy is *always* blue* ) danced lightly about her fingers.
Grinning, she paused....
Then she turned towards Ik, a faintly wicked smile playing about her expression.
Within moments, Ik's ears grew into elongated points, and small tufts of hair sprouted energetically from his nose.....

[ik911]

While looking at Fiona, another character faded in real quick. It was DW. Her hands seemed radio-active, but before he could warn her, he got an itch inside his nose and his ears pushed against his cap.

He sighed and began waiting for that Priest that always comes to explain stuff.

Apparently, the old man was busy somewhere else. DW's hands were still glowing. "Dragonwench. It seems like there's something wrong with your hands. They're glowing. I have an amulet, but mine glow purple." -it is the color of magical items- he heard a voice say inside his head. It was very handy that all those trivialities always came to him so easy. "Purple is the color of magical items", he continued. He felt very smart.

"I am on a quest to find the female lead. Will you join me?", he asked both DW and Fiona.

[dragon wench]

DW looked in horror at her handiwork... Ik had been transformed into something that appeared to be an exceptionally hairy elf. With some difficulty she suppressed the giggle that was threatening to escape, and tried to address Ik's question with the gravity he clearly felt it deserved.

"Um... what female lead?" DW answered, distinctly puzzled.

Without waiting for Ik to reply, she said, "Look, we'd be happy to help you, but we are also on a quest.. to find a boar, a bunny.. and a goat. If we are able to find them peace and harmony will be restored to SYM. Perhaps you'd like to join us, and maybe your female lead will show up somewhere along the way."

[Ravager]

A couple of hours after being sent out, the Raven, Lenore, had returned as silently as his first arrival. A beak was to be heard a-tapping at the window and Ravager obliged opening the window whereupon the black bird flew in a circle around the room perching on the edge of an old disused chair.
"Well? What did you learn?"
"They gather at the Tea and Tap."
"Well, yes. Of course they do. It is all they seem to do these days!"
The raven offered no reply.
"What do they speak of and what occurs?"
The raven described his meeting with the Canadian and Scotswoman, "They didn't suspect of my involvement in this?"
Lenore caawed a negative.
"Good. Did anything else happen?"
"A skeletal monkey with a scythe chased after me."
"What?! Odd...Wait, that sounds vaguely familiar."
Consulting his notes, Ravager looked for clues regarding the enigmatic scyther "No...No...that's not it. Aah! Icarus!" Turning the book around in his hands so the bird could see the picture on the page, he asked "This is who you saw?"
The raven c0cked its head and nodded...if a bird can truly nod.
"Well, it would seem the only thing tht I can do, is investigate these eventsa for myself..."
"And my task is done" said the Raven.
"What?" Ravager absently replied.
"I have been here only to advance the plot." And with that the Raven flew out the window.
"Plot? What...PLOT?!" Ravager called after the bird. Expectedly the bird did not reply and was soon out of sight.
He sighed, there was nothing for it. Gathering needed supplies and some of his notes, Ravager left his comfy home, knowing full-well that his return may be a while yet.

After another couple of hours he could see the establisment that had devoted so much time of SYM of late. Time to see what was really at stake...

[Hill-Shatar]

This pub had obviously allowed manty characters into the inn since Hill fell asleep in his corner. He awoke when he felt Fiona's eyes on him, or more presicely, on his pant covered legs, as if there was something revealing there.

Looking around, he noticed the Kender take hold of one of DW's mugs for safe keeping and walked over towards Hill. Spreading his fingers with magical blue abilities (he knew that Ik was only a dabbler) he sent a shock across Maharlika's rump, making him think it would be a good idea to annoy someone else.

Most disturbingly, there was a creature that resembled a gully dwarf bathed in blue light standing in front of a decidedly powerful lady. Thinking best not to interupt them, he went to sit besides the other woman, a silent and strong type. She seemed smart. Perhaps she knew how we were going to find one goat in the millions from the herds that wander aimlessly through SYM.

[ch85us2001]

Chu stood gallantly in his gleaming ebony armor, his left arm crossing his lean, muscular body to rest on the hilt of the CSL, sheathed on his shapely right hip. Tony stood at his side, smelling strongly of Alchohol. A various assortment of others stood in front of him. In a brave and noble voice he called, "Ye, ye who call yourselves SYMians!!!! Who will stand beside me to find the boar?????????????????? Who will venture into the dangerous and kinky SF store room????????????????????????????????? Who will weild there mighty whips, swords, cod, and Hoopaks against the evil styrofoam?????????????? Who will fight and die beside me, in honor, if neccessary?????????? Who, amongst you will be brave and valiant enough to find the mighty boar, and save the Holy Spam?????????? . . . "

[ik911]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragon wench "Um... what female lead?" DW answered, distinctly puzzled. Without waiting for Ik to reply, she said, "Look, we'd be happy to help you, but we are also on a quest.. to find a boar, a bunny.. and a goat. If we are able to find them peace and harmony will be restored to SYM. Perhaps you'd like to join us, and maybe your female lead will show up somewhere along the way."

"Now, I know you expect me to say I will go with you guys to find those animals, because it's always like that in any story. But I'm not going to be the supportive, unconditionally faithfull helper again." He thought about it for a second. "Okay, I'll be the supportive uncondionally faithfull helper. Let's find those animals and -if we're lucky- the female lead." He took his scythe, which he put against the wall 4 posts earlier and, while more people started fading in again, he said to dragonwench: "We need to find more partymembers. Let's make a list of what we got and what we need." He fetched a pen and a paper from the darkness of one of the wrinkles in his robe.

"We got:
A shapechanging wench
A scything mystery"
He looked at Fiona. "What are you, honey?"