Holiday "Cheer"

dragon wench · #1 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 10:28 AM

I was not entirely sure whether or not to post this, but looking over the thread on Christmas materialism I decided it might be quite "à propos"

Quote:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
===============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating ReConciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

===========================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

=====================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employee's beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though, we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

=================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All *bleep* Employees
RE: The *bleep* Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your *bleep* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The *bleep* from HELL!!!!!!!!

===========================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Edit Note:
As most of you will gather my *bleeps* stand for various expletives. I felt it best to remove the original form, which included first letters and a row of stars, owing to forum rules on language.

krunchyfrogg · #2 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 10:47 AM

LMFAO. It's really too bad that some people get their knickers in such a twist this time of year.

Hill-Shatar · #3 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 10:52 AM

lol, very nice, where'd you get it? Email box?

dragon wench · #4 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hill-Shatar

lol, very nice, where'd you get it? Email box?

Yep, one of my many warped friends passed it along

Kipi · #5 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 11:08 AM

Nice one, DW!!

Somehow it reminds me of one South Park episode, where the town decided to forbid everything that had something to do with Christiany in Chirstmas...

Moonbiter · #6 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 11:09 AM

ROTFLMAO! It's an old classic, but it still cracks me up. This year I've tried to make an x-mas party for my employees, and I've had quite a few of the same problems. Naturally, I've played this game for a while, so I'd already covered the main bases. But you can't really win when the token vegetarian has turned into a full-blown Vegan during the last couple of months, and the only union member of the pack demands to have his travelling expenses related to the party covered by the company since it's work-related...

Aegis · #7 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 11:11 AM

My only question is when did we become so PC?

dragon wench · #8 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 11:49 AM

*grins*

@Moonbiter, I'm all in favour of unions, and unionisation, but I really have trouble with somebody who expects any expenses to a work holiday party to be covered

Some people....

@Krunchyfrogg and Aegis,
Indeed! IMO this little gem illustrates quite aptly how political correctness has went waaaay over the top.
My own feeling is that the time of the year should be enjoyed by those who wish to enjoy it, however they want to enjoy it, and I really don't care what people do as long as nobody's beliefs are being trampled upon. Moreover, I really don't get why we need to make the season so generic. I prefer the model of a mosaic that shows clear differences within a picture, to something resembling a hodgepodge, homogeneous stew.
And honestly, so what if somebody wishes you a "Merry Christmas," and you aren't a Christian. For the most part, people mean well by it. I figure.. instead of getting one's knickers in a knot, it is far better to hoist a glass of cheer Whatever that happens to be in your books

Hill-Shatar · #9 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 11:54 AM

All this talk of cheer has me all happy and delirious... *gropes and runs*

dragon wench · #10 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hill-Shatar

All this talk of cheer has me all happy and delirious... *gropes and runs*

Is that your excuse?

*tosses a snowball*

Hill-Shatar · #11 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragon wench

Is that your excuse?

*tosses a snowball*

Come now, am I not allowed to be Jolly and happy?

Tosses?

*easily grabs snowball, throws it back*

Gonna have to do better than that, British Columbian.

Lestat · #12 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 12:06 PM

*tries to get a snowball* Oh well - *throws sandball*

Aegis · #13 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hill-Shatar

Come now, am I not allowed to be Jolly and happy?

Tosses?

*easily grabs snowball, throws it back*

Gonna have to do better than that, British Columbian.

Give her a break with the snowballs. She's not used to the fluffy white snow we are. So what if she doesn't know how to properly engage in a snowball fight

@DW: You know, perhaps this is just a new line of insults in the vernacular. For a while, we had the cuss words, and the oh so horrible F-word. Now, the F-word has been replaced with 'Merry Christmas'.

So, next time someone cuts you off during your commute, shove your head out the window, shake your fist vehemently, and wish them a 'Merry Christmas'! That'll show'em!

dragon wench · #14 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hill-Shatar

Come now, am I not allowed to be Jolly and happy?

Tosses?

*easily grabs snowball, throws it back*

Gonna have to do better than that, British Columbian.

Oh of course you are allowed to be jolly and happy, but you have to be prepared to accept any consequences that might ensue

*tosses bottle of 12 year, single malt Scotch over to Hill to ensure his feelings of happiness*

@Lestat,
lol!

Sand and Snow = Mud...

OMG! .... Mud Wrestling!

@Aegis,
LMAO!!!!

Did you have to remind me that we don't get real snow on the coast? *sigh*

Hill-Shatar · #15 (**permalink**) 12-12-2005, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragon wench

Oh of course you are allowed to be jolly and happy, but you have to be prepared to accept any consequences that might ensue

*tosses bottle of 12 year, single malt Scotch over to Hill to ensure his feelings of happiness*

OMG! .... Mud Wrestling!

Of course I am fully prepared for the consequences. I even brought handcuffs.

Peering at it, I wonder what you have possibly done to the bottle or put into it that made you part with it so willingly.

WHERE?!

Quote:

Give her a break with the snowballs. She's not used to the fluffy white snow we are. So what if she doesn't know how to properly engage in a snowball fight

*shoves Aegis into snowbank*