These are taken from the book,
Non Campus Mentis: 569 Mangled Moments of Western Civilization from Today's Brightest College Kids, by Professor Henricksson, a history professor at Shepherd College in West Virginia.
Enjoy!
On Ancient History:
"Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year, it would flood and irritate the land. This tended to make the people nervous."
"Greek semen ruled the Agean."
"Another myth with a message was Jason's hunt for the Golden Fleas."
On Religion:
"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named Yahoo."
"Saint Teresa of Avila was a caramelized nun."
"David was a fictional character in the Bible who fought with Gilgamesh while wearing a sling....He pleased the people and saved them from attacks by the Phillipines."
"Jesus came along. He taught that the mice shall inherit the earth."
"Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door......He was followed by civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior who was assasinated in the 1960s after his famous, 'If I had a hammer speech."
U.S History:
"The major cause of the Civil War is when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the west."
"The British Empire is in a state of recline."
The Second World War:
"The English vainly hoped for peas."
"The Allies hopes got a big boost, though, when they landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg."
and my personal favourite:
"Hitler finally saw the right thing to do and shot himself in the bonker."
Hitler shot himself in the bonker 
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