Great And Mysterious Rules

[penguin_king]

Great and mysterious rules of life




1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?" How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
14. Don't be an idiot.
15. Never trust women who can't put their lipstick on straight. They are invariably crazy.
16. Know your way home.
17. Don't talk to yourself.
18. Closets make good sleeping - if you like being sore the next day.
19. If you like the music, dance.
20. You'll feel better if you throw up.
21. No matter how certain you might be of any given situation, there is invariably another creature who will teach you the meaning of certainty.
22. Never try to take apart a computer with a monkey wrench.
23. Learn to say "Where is the nude beach?" in at least three languages.
24. Do not use your work laptop while eating Coco Wheats.
25. Children do not want clothes for birthday gifts.
26. Running into your wife's gynecologist at Target is awkward. Somewhat surprisingly, you won't have much to talk about.
27. He who makes a beast of himself takes away the pain of being a man.
28. If you talk to yourself (see 17), don't answer in a different voicel; it tends to spook those around you.
29. Don't hit your own head.
30. Even though it doesn't appear it to us, everyone considers themself an above average driver.
31. don£t trtry to type stufff whebn yu are reallly"yy drunk....
32 No matter how socially inept you think you are, you're still a lot more fun to be around than Carrot Top.
33. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
34. One day you can get screwed out of what is rightfully yours, the next day you may become world
reknowned and respected just for being yourself (See Ozzy Osbourne).
35. Carrot sticks and bleu cheese vegetable dip lead to multiple instances of explosive diarrhea.
36. He who hesitates is lost.
37. Schizophrenia means never having to be alone.
38. Everybody needs a good ass kicking now and again.
39. Early bird gets teh worm.
40. Forks fairly fly when you serve corn-saugage pie.
41. Avoid all so-called "vegetarian" options at fast-food burger joints, lest thou be hunched over
for a good portion of the night muttering incoherently about "food poisoning" as your intestines
try to leap up and strangle your stomach, causing the worst cramping possible this side of labor pains.
42. Fart jokes never stop being funny.
43. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
44. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
45. Have your own sense of style.
46. As with all things, this too shall pass.
47. It's not so bad because it could always be worse.
48. "Accept."
49. Pet a dog.
50. It's a small world after all.
51. Midgets are people too.
52. No great music was ever made on a Flying V guitar.
53. Everything that can possibly happen, will happen.
54. A tongue stud is no excuse not to learn to do it right.
55. Cry once in a while, it's cathartic. If you need to hide from others to do so, then do, but still cry.
56. Follow it up with a beer/phone call with a friend who laughs a lot.
57. Eat cheese, it is marvelous tasting and, purportedly, scrubs your teeth.
58. When you see a little kid in the store, make a fart noise with your mouth. They laugh every time.
59. Splurge on toilet paper.
60. Lay in the grass and watch the bugs crawl around.
60a. (Optional) Squash them.
61. Positive to positive, negative to negative, ground to ground.
62. Beggers CAN be choosers.
63. Monkeys cheat at monopoly.
64. Chances are, you won't refill your popcorn.
65. If someone tells you, "You're dreaming, pal!" kick them in the shin. It's okay, because after all, it's a dream.
66. Never rub another man's rhubarb!
67. Don't buy live lobsters from Walmart.
68. There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are more than two ways to serve it.
69. There are 68 things before 69, but of course none of them will be remembered.
70. You will not get rich quick with Amway.
71. First one up gets the paper. And makes the coffee.
72. Cheesy fantasy movies have at least one Queen track in them.
73. Always check to see if there is anyone else in a public bathroom when you enter.
74. If someone else enters, cough to let them know you are there. If not, you may have to listen to something you didn't intend.
74a. The Sacred Buffer Corollary: When in a public bathroom, never take the urinal/stall directly
adjacent to another user/jockey. When you are the first settler, never take the middle facility.
Respect the Sacred Buffer.
75. Know someone who gives good foot massages.
76. Lyle Lovett is better heard than seen.
77. Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy.
78. Never trust a person who has a lugubrious countenance.
79. Never trust a person who has a smirking countenance.
80. Never tie a yellow ribbon round the old guy at the bus stop.
81. Never make a web page that needs binoculars to be read. (is that better??!??
82. You can never teach an old dog new tricks, unless you have a peanut butter filled Kong.
83. A jar full of candy on the desk is a great way to start a new job.

[Aramant]

Originally Posted by penguin_king

66. Never rub another man's rhubarb!

The Joker may be insane, but he had that one right. Good list.

[Damuna_Nova]

Thatistotallybrilliant.

Darnkeyboard...

[Fiona]

That is a very funny list

However in relation to:

50. It's a small world after all.

Originally Posted by Chic Murray

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

@ Damuna Nova. Welcome to SYM *writes out demand for new Keyboard* Where should I send this?

[ik911]

Good list, PK.

"43. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys." is universal.

Originally Posted by Damuna_Nova

Thatistotallybrilliant.

Darnkeyboard...

Try ALT + 32 (Press and hold left-Alt while typing 32 on your numpad, on the right side of your keyboard. Image of numpad: http://www.ergonomickeyboard.biz/ima...mpad_right.jpg)

[ch85us2001]

Originally Posted by penguin_king

72. Cheesy fantasy movies have at least one Queen track in them.

:meh:

FLASH!!!! AHaaaaaAAAAAA!!!!! *rides a guitar shaped spaceship away*

[dragon wench]

47. It's not so bad because it could always be worse.

Correction:
It's always bad, and it can *always* get even worse

[Juniper]

40. Forks fairly fly when you serve corn-saugage pie.

I have no idea why i am so amused by this....

[dragon wench]

I recently came across some Joan Rivers lines that are in the same spirit as this thread

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Boy George is all England needs, another Queen that can't dress

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

He who limps is still walking.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Never floss with a stranger.

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

"Where there is a will there is a way." is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

[Damuna_Nova]

I liked Penguin's rules better.

[penguin_king]

*bows* thank you, Damuna-san