Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

[fable]

Anglachel asks:
Have you forgotten to include or are you trying to avoid the topic of biological warfare (banned in the Ailing Gnome Treaty of 1211)? The use of thrown midgets in varying states of illness is not often discussed, but is certainly a common tactic.

What's generally forgotten about the Ailing Gnome Treaty (see A.P. Wier's "The Ailing Gnome Treaty, and Other Aspects of Community Singing") is that the Gnomes in question were liberally toasted by Halflings prior to the Battle at Hassan ben Sobar Oasis. (This is the battle where the Halfling general Corntoes Stumpfoot uttered the famous line, "What in the name of the seven hells are all those penguins doing here?" after consuming singlehandedly a barrel of Halfling Chocolate Malt Hops.) Consequently, the Gnomes were thrown at the enemy under a mistaken assumption of perfect health, *which their health certificates, received before the feast, support was the case.* As such, it is obviously the Halflings' fault, rather than that of the belligerents on other side of the conflict. Simply put, Halflings and consumables don't mix in a battle situation.

What is more, there has never been a recorded instance of a dwarf who agreed to be thrown without first voluntarily enlisting. Dwarves are notoriously picky litigants, and no dwarf has advanced into the arms or catapults of battle before first striking a deal that is (usually) very agreeable to the dwarf.

I will be most willing to discuss this matter at length, if anybody cares to refute my proofs.

[Red Inquisition]

Are the so called inlisted dwarves fully informed as to what the throwing process involves and the possible side affects of of being hurled at the opposing force. What methods did you use to test the throwing process. Testing on small people is against the laws of interkindom wepons development. I look forward to your replys concerning theses grave injuries to the all of small height.

[Dúnadan]

*Bump*

[fable]

I have already posted upon this subject. To quote:

It takes many, many long years to perfect a dwarven thrower. The dwarf has to go through a great deal of training, beginning (at a very young age) with running, head-on, repeatedly, into solid walls. They have to be willing to be thrown off small cliffs, and to be flung, swung around, and battered to little purpose.

Then, after some 50 years or more of training, the dwarven thrower is ready to be tested. They are called before a select committee of elderly dwarves known as the Chasarii, or Those Who Have Been Thrown, or, in the venacular, Been There, Done That. They are placed in a giant catapult, and shot off in a random direction.

If the dwarf survives, they become a thrower. If they survive and damage an elf or gnome in the process, it is considered good luck, and they are thenceforth allowed to wear a small bronze medal and carry a special amethyst decoder ring. But if they die, the dwarven thrower wannabe is gathered from a variety of places and shoveled into a great tomb, where his or her predecessors lie, their spirit commended to the gods of all dwarves, everywhere.

For truly, dwarven throwers cannot be made. They can only be born.

Now, before a dwarf can even consider becoming ammunition, they have to answer all the questions on a famous test, known, in typically imaginative dwarven fashion, as The Dwarven Ammunition Test. Here, verbatim, are several of the questions:

Why do you want to be hurled at any enemy?

Have you ever had any diseases which could permanently affect your constitution and/or sense of balance?

Are you willing to undergo rigorous training over a period of years, for scant reward, so that you can sacrifice your life in ranged attack at an enemy?

Have you given this a lot of thought?

No, really. Have you?

Do you have a will prepared with a designated beneficiary, should your flight as ammunition during battle end in glorious destruction to both the enemy and yourself?

Are you now, or have you ever been, an elf?

--Having answered these questions, the ammunition wannabe dwarf is then subjected to an extensive psychological screening process. They are put through a battery of tests such as image association. ("What does this flaming shish-ka-bob look like?" "A flaming shish-ka-bob." "Good! You'll do.") Mental toughness is not neglected, either, in the evaluation procedure. Dwarves are commonly forced to work in a software retail chain's customer relations department and answer phonecalls for three days. ("My copy of BG2 doesn't work 'cause you left out the second disk, and no, I don't have a receipt! What are you going to do about it, jerk?")

While all this may seem harsh, it must be remembered that it functions as a weeding out process. Those who do not make it through the tests are sent to recover in the comparative peace and harmony of a mineshaft. Those who succeed are then trained carefully for many years, after the manner described above.

I trust this answers your question, and that we will not have anymore bleeding heart reactions against the career of dwarven thrower. Once again, a dwarven thrower is in charge of their own destiny. They are Called by fate, but each must decide whether to answer the call or ignore it. No one forces a dwarf to become ammunition, just as no one forces you, or anybody else, to work at a MacDonald's. It is merely a case that some deliver death in flight, while others serve it in a paper bag. Such are the perils of vigilantly maintaining freedom.

[ 05-06-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

[cheesemage]

Bump

[fable]

re-bump.

[fable]

bump-re-bump.

[fable]

bump!

[cheesemage]

Bump

[cheesemage]

bump

[cheesemage]

2nd topic up to 100 in the same day
so bump

[Pe Ell]

what if you attached a hole load of small, sharp metall pieces to the dwarf? Wouldnt you get some kind of flak bomb then?

[cheesemage]

bump

[Anglachel]

What are the actual height (or lack thereof) requirements? Also, can non-dwarven, non-halfling, etc. beings qualify if short enough?

[fable]

No tall races can apply, because the height requirements are such that only immature members of the taller races could take part in this unique form of long-ranged combat. And that's of course not allowed.

There is no specific height requirement as such among the shorter (or as they put it, the Quite Tall Enough, Thank You) races for throwing. The tallest dwarf on record was well under the 4' 6" point at which a degree of instability appears. (This is the Sven Point, so-called after Sven "Lutefisk" Johnson, a teenage beserker who decided once at a tourney to climb onto a catapult in order to get a better view. When they picked up his various pieces afterwards, it was found that the lower 4' 6" of Sven were more or less intact, give or take a few bits here and there, but that everything else had been sprayed across a large area in a rather regular pattern. -Hence, Sven Point, and we're all sure Sven would have wanted it that way.)

The shortest halfling on record, incidentally, was Greentoes Stanarski, who measured just under 2' 10". Unfortunately, he was mistaken for an unusually large acorn while wearing a new brown suit by a particularly nearsighted group of squirrels, and was embarassed to death. His remains are on view at the Hazelton City Hall Museum, between the hours of 10 AM and 4 PM, Tuesdays through Sundays, with the presentation of a special pass.

[ 05-11-2001: Message edited by: fable ]