Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

[Dúnadan]

Ah, but there is always a solution to any problem on the battlefield, especially when it comes to hucking midgets. If you don't want to let the halfling see the decoy food, blindfold him, if he smells it, shove a cork or two up his nostrils. Either way, the problem will be averted with grace and finesse.

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President of the World Alliance for the Advancement of Me (W.A.A.M.)

[Dúnadan]

*Bump*

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President of the World Alliance for the Advancement of Me (W.A.A.M.)

[fable]

Dunadan, I can see you rely upon the positivistic determinism of halfling perceptions as explained in Helmut Wintherturgeschichtgemutlichkeitelweissen's famous treatise known as Haben und Nicht Haben (and not to be confused with the Bogart film, either), in which he states:

"Halflings can be rendered relatively harmless (for halflings) by either removing their sensory organs or, in a more humane manner, merely disabling them for a period of time."

Yet you will recall that this view was held in strong ridicule by Thierry des Bonaires, who wrote, in the Libre des Obscurantes:

"Wintherturgeschichtgemutlichkeitelweissen's views are, as usual, foolish enough to interest only three people, himself, his father, and a man he confides in when dazed."

Personally, I prefer the Neo-Platonist view of halfling perceptions, to wit, that halflings will always perceive the nearby presence of food or drink unless they are petrified, or dead. And I am not entirely certain about the latter option, either.

[Dúnadan]

Very well, Fable, I concede your point. After asking my good friend Twitch Tanglefoot (a halfling) on the matter, however, he suggested a solution which may work. Simply take a large melon, apple, mutton, or what-have-you, and stuff it into the halfling's mouth, like the roasted pigs they have in buffets sometimes. While the gluttonous halfling is busy attempting to chow down on his meal, he will take no notice of his flight toward the enemy ranks, and will prove quite the effective projectile. Now Twitch and I tried this tactic with Fangle, his second cousin twice removed on his mother's side. It did indeed prove to be quite a stable method, though we had the problem of Fangle falling several yard short of the target, due to the weight of the steak we stuck in his mouth. I'm sure this problem can be easily remedied however, if I take the time to devise a workable solution to the aerodynamics and propulsion problem of a halfling eating in midair. I will have to give the matter further thought, though.

The one other aspect of midget throwing that we have thus far overlooked is the ability of the gnomish people to soar (no pun intended) as projectile weapons. They are roughly the same size and shape as halflings, though a little bit heavier (though this does well to increase their stability), and have none of the faults of halflings. They can also make good explosives, when combined with even the simplest of their many hazardous inventions. My other good friend, Lump Twidlebeeder (a gnomologist and a gnome himself) has shown me a pair of mechanical cufflinks his (now deceased) uncle Stump fashioned. These seemingly ordinary gnomish cufflinks will explode upon an impact of over five miles per hour, which makes for an excellent ICBKG (Inter-Continental Ballistic Kamikazi Gnome), which is something you just cannot get with dwarves, no matter how drunk or flaming.



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President of the World Alliance for the Advancement of Me (W.A.A.M.)

[Dúnadan]

It'll be a sober day for all dwarves when this thread dies, so *Bump*

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President of the World Alliance for the Advancement of Me (W.A.A.M.)

[MordorMan]

Do you get an acid or nausea bonus if your dwarf throws up over your enemy after being thrown?

MM

[Dúnadan]

That is indeed a possibility, MM, though a dwarf's high constitution and tolerance for ale would make this a very rare occurence.

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President of the World Alliance for the Advancement of Me (W.A.A.M.)

[Dinin DoUrden]

"I need a swig o' some strong, dwarven ale!"

[Dúnadan]

Don't we all my friend, don't we all.

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President of the World Alliance for the Advancement of Me (W.A.A.M.)

[MordorMan]

Originally posted by Dúnadan:
That is indeed a possibility, MM, though a dwarf's high constitution and tolerance for ale would make this a very rare occurence.

This is true, but I estimate an avarage dwarf's resistance to air sickness to be a whole lot less.

MM

[The_Pope]

ROFLMAO

[two]

I am both amused and disgusted by the amateurism displayed by this thread.

I find it difficult to believe -- in this day and age -- that such subjects as the efficacy of hafling and/or dwarven throwing, with regards to a singular thrower and throwee, still have an audience, much less authors so bereft of both reason and pride as to post using their commonplace (and for the most part, common) Forum names.

For those history-deprived among you (and this seems to encompass the entirety of the "reading" audience, and I use that term provisionally, as many of you probably move your lips when confronted with text, and either sound out difficult words or simply skip them) this subject has been discussed many times before, and while there exist those "old timers," addicts of "PnP" D&D back when dice came 6 sided and had to be whittled into a D20; when a choice of attacking monster flopped between the twin poles of orc and goblin; when the only spells available were the "2G's" of Goodberry and Grease; when a competant DM need not have graduated fourth grade -- while these sorts of nostalgic carmudgeons undoubtedly exist, and occasionally crawl out of their caves to post inane articles that they really should leave to their betters, it is not true their their manifest ignorace should be forever engraved upon the permanent parchment of this respected Forum.

Now, unless you are one of those freaks that find the concept of maximization repugnant; who enjoy crippling yourself with weak classes and/or inane weapon specialization choices; who retain high charisma values instead of dropping it to near-three in order to reap the benefits a weak character-generation system allows the savvy; I say, unless you are one of these aberrations, read confidently on.

Back in the days of yore (and yes, I mean over eight months ago) there was some excitement generated by the discovery that dwarves could be lifted and lofted towards a perceived enemy. Soon thereafter, haflings, gnomes, and even an occasional elf were experimentally thrown. Clear enough. Soon after the amount of damage these projectiles caused was known, a flurry of threads appeared with titles such as "Maximizing your Number of Dwavish NPC's," "How to Bribe Bearded Barmaids," etc. Then came the application of flame to greased moustaches, illusionary apples dancing before skewer-bearing, unwieldy, hastily-launched halfings, and the whole question of acid and/or poisoning pre-throw; which acids did not destroy the bearer en route while still doing good post-impact damage; the best topical poisons of which certain strains of Dwarves were immune, etc.

Finally (and I take some pride in this discovery) it was revealed that a certain scrolls of limited wish allow for the wishing of a "special companion," who inevitably turns out to be a Siamese twin of race: gnome, dwarf, or halfing. While the logic of the implementation has never been completely understood, these siamese twins (bonded at belly and sporting four legs, four arms, and two heads, and which when flying resemble nothing so much as a leaping sword-spider) do not twice but THREE times normal damage, making squandering a scroll well-worth the effort. Once this became public knowledge, no monster was safe.

Yet still some persist in discussing throwing a singuler, solitary, everyday dwarf! Where the Siamese revelation led, many followed, and I will not (and can not, given time constraints) sketch the outline of all the developments that soon appeared -- catapult cups capable of holding an entire clan of nervous gnomes; giant rubbery tentacles, cut from a Kraken, used to surround and launch skyward halfing family reunions, stolen silverware and all.

I only hope, before more articles are posted, the people will take the time to do some basic research, and thereafter refrain from making those same discoveries and errors that have already been made (in the past) by those both speedier and smarter than any indicated by posts to the present thread topic (present writer, of course, carefully excluded).

[This message has been edited by two (edited 03-29-2001).]

[BraveSirRobin]

fable,

It is done by taking the basic internet address listed and then changing around the numbers until you find what you are looking for. The threads on the forum are numbered based on the date of the first post. So if you know approximately when you posted them you should be able to find it.


pinkypinky,

You can always find me by looking for the flying dwarves in the sky.


two,

I am afraid that your allegations of having a longer history of dwarf throwing is unsupported. Unless you can show me a dwarf throwing manual dated prior Oct 17, 2000 (the date Fable, Zundar and I began our chronicles), I will label you an imposter. In all likely hood you have simply plagiarized from our chronicles and have changed the strategies slightly to make it less obvious. For example the Siamese dwarf/gnome mix sounds very much like the multiwarhead dwarf/gnome/halfling strategy mentioned earlier.

Therefore I would ask that you desist in making these unsubstantiated claims. It is clear that your are a fake, a charlatan and a fraud. You posses no original thoughts on the subject and your presence here is an affront to the true DTU (Dwarf Throwers Union) members everywhere.

[Dúnadan]

I absolutely agree with BSB, even though I only later joined the original thread back at BGDungeon. It would not do, however, to sully the good name of this thread with petty accusations and squabbles. We are here to learn and benifit from the wisdom and knowledge of others. Therefore, I suggest we get back to the topic at hand. Now, has anyone come to refute my theory that gnomes surpass halflings in nearly every aspect, or will you allow your silence to further my cause?

[Dúnadan]

By the way...I changed my sig so that it pertains more to this topic...

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The world's foremost authority on the throwing of dwarves, halflings, and gnomes.