Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

[fable]

@Dunadan, I have read books about sieges dragging towns deliberately down into starvation; about children being sold or stolen into armies; about forcible deportation of races to other nations, where they were either killed, or used as slaves by local businesses. There are works that refer to indigenous, unarmed groups being surrounded by people who, behind a wall of flame and sword, walked steadily inward until there were no "enemies" left.

The list of atrocities goes onward, but of course, all this is only fiction, written for people who don't find enough excitement in the harvesting of their crops, the slow growth of their children, the rise and fall of the sun. For what kind of world would it be, indeed, if such unspeakable villany actually walked among us?

[spork]

I must say, this thread uncovers many subtleties of dwarf hurling, stuff we laymen just took for granted. However, in other areas I feel some notions have been conflated.

I have come to see the need to distinguish two sorts of dwarf throwing: the first is mechanically-propelled throwing, typically done with a trebuchet or a catapult (other methods, like the giant teeter-totter tested by general Lorgan Firebreath, almost always end in disaster).

The second is more properly called "throwing" since it actually involves a very large creature picking up and hurling a dwarf. Of course there are commonalities in the training that dwarves must receive to maximize their "impact" in either of these methods. However, strategic considerations are rather different.

The first method is practical even in an all-dwarven army. In fact, several dwarven "heavy drinking artillery" divisions carry with them collapsible catapults from which they launch themselves. (Leaked military documents hint at secret research related to a dwarf-launching slingshot, allegedly a strong elastic band which is spanned between two trees or other fixed objects and stretched by a team of dwarves wearing special harnesses. It appears theoretically possible that such a slingshot could be carried in a backpack. There is no record of such a device ever being used in anger, or at least more anger than is typical for dwarves. Apparently there are bugs preventing deployment, as is to be expected in a device which, in its current state, is suitable only for forest warfare. This is not an environment in which projected dwarves can easily be used to full effect.)

By far the most versitile dwarf throwing troops are of the second kind. With only a few giants, a mixed army can rain devestation on even the heartiest and fearless enemy. While catapult use is typically limited to sieging castles or breaking through entrenched enemy lines, giants have repeatedly demonstrated they can hurl dwarves to great effect in surprise attacks against enemy encampments. The laborious task of transporting and erecting catapults makes surprise almost impossible to acheive.

But as we all know, we live in an age when it is difficult to find giants properly trained in dwarf throwing. At some point most giants tinker with this as a hobby, but few have the patience to learn military strategy or master the theory of non-parabolic trajectories.

This, along with well-publicised political trouble, has fueled the rise giant-independent launchers, or GILs. In addition, rocs and other large winged creatures are reportedly being trained to drop dwarves from great heights, but accurate taretting has proven difficult. Most accomplished dwarven warriors resent wearing fins and similar contraptions for steering during flight. Many also report discomfort at being so far off the ground, sprouting an offshoot research project on the effects of dwarven vomit as a terror weapon.

In any case, seeing as military dwarven throwing consists of many disperate endeavors which fall more or less into two categories, I hope we are careful to distinguish them.

[fable]

It is time, once again, that this tome of secret knowledge by unveiled before an unsuspecting new public. Behold!

[two]

Quote:

Originally posted by fable: <STRONG>It is time, once again, that this tome of secret knowledge by unveiled before an unsuspecting new public. Behold!</STRONG>

Sadly, you are the last to know, Fable. This discussion has been rendered obselate by ongoing developments, as witnessed at www.dot.com.com/DwarvenThrowers/Phds_only/subtopic31. The web site is tempermental, as it is hosted at a Carribean server running off of local pedal power. Try to catch it during indigineous festival days; during those periods, there is both energy and rum a-flowing a-plenty.

My colleagues and I have left single- or even multiple- dwarven throwing in the proverbial dust, and this includes the infamous siamese question. The latest development involves laying a rock-and-concrete foundation upon an almost-extinct volcano, insuring that the entire foundation is angled and tilted at a small but carefully measured degree. Next, salt a nearby "mine" with gold sprinklings and gems, issue a generilized "gold rush" call, and after Dwarves and Hobbits and other small huminoid races greedily descend upon the bedrock, and build a small village on the curiously smooth surface they find there, and afterwards spend a winter or two shivering in the high alpine air, you have beautifully prepared the ultimate weapon.

When your rival's capital gives you problems, call in a cleric or two. A well-placed earthquake spell causes the volcano to erupt instantly, propelling the entire Dwaven/Hobbit village into the air, following a steady parabola as dictated by the crafty angling of the underlying concrete, which thunks it down directly on your enemy's capital city. It is utterly destroyed, and all you have lost is a small poverty-stricken village of dreamers and schemers.

Voila.

Just a sample of what high-end cogitationing will do fer ya'.

I trust this thread will end, now, immediately, like SO.

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: two ]

[fable]

@Two, you're full of Dwarven brandy. I know, I know: what's my point? Well, that you're wrong. Everybody knows that volcanos are even more temperamental than dwarves, let alone gnomes. You can't pay a volcano to be on time. You can't pay a volcano to be in the right area when you're going to attack. You can't arrange for a volcano to continue pumping hot air, once it's started.

Whereas, a dwarf will accept pay, and believe that he's bound by oath by show up at a battlefield as required, even if he's dead. They can travel nearly anywhere, so long as it doesn't involve a long ocean voyage. And dwarves keep pumping out hot air as soon as you insult their dwarfishness.

In short, they're responsible, dependable, and portable. Nine out of ten dwarven women are also known to prefer dwarven males to volcanos.

I'm afraid your research is exploded.

[fable]

Dwarven bump.

[Nippy]

I say good fellow, thats a rather large *bump* on your head isn't it?

Just to chime in...........in my opinion, R.A. Salvatore is one of the better Forgotten Realms novel writers, but that's not saying too much, because some are pretty bad. But, compared to fantasy/sci-fi writers overall, I'd say he's average at best.

[ThorinOakensfield]

@fable: Do we really need this back.

[ThorinOakensfield]

Damn i was hoping Sir. Robins links still worked but they don't anymore.

[fable]

Quote:

Originally posted by ThorinOakensfield: <STRONG>@fable: Do we really need this back. </STRONG>

I think it deserves a chance. But if nothing happens, we'll let it gracefully retire for a while, and try launching it on another unsuspecting generation that has a better sense of humor in the future.

[Nightmare]

Time to resurface this.

[ThorinOakensfield]

Ooh hello. So much for the sense of humor bit

[fable]

Oh, my demon child has come back, nearly on Christmas night, to greet me! I am so touched. http://www.plauder-smilies.de/devil/flamingdevil.gif

[Craig]

How a bout guaths? small and vicious(if they don't explode on impact)