Depression

[AntiChrist]

I'm so depressed. My girlfriend broke up with me like 4 weeks ago and I'm still not over her. I go to places we hung out and sit there not even able to think about anything except her. And she doesn't even seem to care. I hate my school and I actually dread waking up in the mornings because I know I have to go there. It's a Christian school, and the more I hear about the religion, the more depressed I get. I hate where I live so that even when I'm out of school I'm not much happier. I hate everyone around me. I have one very good friend and my girlfriend was my other, but that's over. My other friend moved. Everyone else is shallow and stupid and I can't stand the fakeness around me when people try to please other people by throwing who they are away. I lack motivation for everything. My grades mainly. I suppose I get fairly good ones (high B), but I know I could do better but I just don't care. And there's no hope in sight. I get to go to college (hopefully) after this last year of high school, which seems promising but I've talked to so many people from college that feel the same way I do that I don't know if it's going to get better. Is this what life is about?

[Tybaltus]

Originally posted by AntiChrist
Is this what life is about?

Well Ive learned via my own experience that life is one giant endurance run. There will be plenty more worse things to come out of life than better things, but the good things are what makes it worth it. I also think that God has placed obstacles in front of me and is constantly testing my persistance and endurance and what not. I feel I sometimes have to prove myself to God and myself. Good things come and go. And when they go, bad things become clearer, because its the good things that distract us from all the bad things. When there isnt much too great, then theres not much to distract you. Also the loss of good things can also make one depressed. But thats life. It can be bad, it can be treacherous, it could be hurtful, but you just have to keep going.

[dragon wench]

I think it varies for everyone.... but for me...it was when I went to university that life suddenly got a whole lot better...

Hang in there....and try to remember that life always has at least as many valleys as it does peaks

[Aegis]

I went through something similar a couple months ago (should be mentioned somewhere in the archives). The best advice I can offer is to confront it. Once I confronted the girl I was lamenting for, and we talked about it, I began feeling much better (granted, this is a slightly different situation, so confrontation will be somewhat different). On top of that, just immerse yourself in something you enjoy to do. For instance, I love to write, so when I was depressed (clinically for two months, and on meds) I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Suffice to say, though, because of my depression I wrote some pretty sick stuff...

Anyway, my point is, is that your right. People are fake, life sucks, and each one of us is life's personally punching bag. The only way to enjoy life is to not care. Take it with a grain of salt, give life the finger, and get out and enjoy your last year of school.

PS. I also got to a Catholic school, yet I'm Secular Humanist. So, to get by, I have fun messing with the clergy...

[Scayde]

Depression can be a crushing weight which threatens every breath you take.
I am not qualified to address you on a professional level. I would suggest you seek help IRL.. Believe it or not, your parents may be a great place to start. We are also blessed to have CE among us here at SYM. I am sure she can give you some helpfull advice.

Having said that... It has been my personal experience, when overwhelming depression threatens my very existance, that there is truth in the saying "Fake it untill you make it" . Sometimes you have to will yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and get on with it. Force yourself to do things you should be enjoying. Seek out things that sound fun. Meet new people. Go through the motions. Then, when you least expect it, look up, and realize, life just got a little bit better, and the best is yet to come.

Well it works for me anyway... That and*HUGS*

[Everclearules20]

Tool - The Patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.


Wait it out, keep faith, let time heal, and there will be rewards to reap, life just works that way.

[dragon wench]

Sometimes you have to will yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and get on with it. Force yourself to do things you should be enjoying. Seek out things that sound fun. Meet new people. Go through the motions. Then, when you least expect it, look up, and realize, life just got a little bit better, and the best is yet to come.

This is something I have noticed... there have been times when I have experienced depression...and when I have forced myself to get on with it....life does, after a while begin to slot into place. It is also important to be sure you keep a routine and something to focus on (other than your troubles).

There are a few threads here on the subject that you might also want to browse through...
http://www.gamebanshee.com/forums/sh...ght=depression

http://www.gamebanshee.com/forums/sh...threadid=18576

[Chanak]

@Scayde, DW:

I have found that the majority of life's challenges involve putting one foot in front of the other, often while under fire, to use a military term and concept. I think something dawned on me a few years ago, and it was a sobering yet encouraging thought: *we* have the ability to overcome anything. I have proved this to myself before, though this always comes at great personal cost. Yet this is what strengthens and deepens us, so it seems.

I discovered that love is not actually a series of emotions, as I was raised to believe; I found out it is something that is purposefully cultivated over time by putting one foot in front of the other. I have to make a conscious decision to make something work. If I relied on my emotions, I would probably be friendless, and quite possibly even imprisoned.

@AntiChrist:

This sounds to me like the one of many times in your life you will be deepened and strengthened by diversity. I wish, looking back, that I could have determined to make the most of those times. I think you should, too, and look at enduring the school you attend as one way of doing that. It would also make the way easier for you, I am sure.

I would also like to say that we all need to look closely at ourselves, and as we do we will find our understanding of others subtly changing for the better. Other people are like you: they have their burdens, and not all handle them the same way. Also, it helps to remember that not everyone has had the same enviromental factors as you have had, so they live and act differently than you do. I can guarantee you that most of the people you refer to are simply *not* aware of the things that you are noticing. It's ok - it helps to see that. Anger fades away when you realize that blindness is a condition that we *all* suffer from - you and me included, my friend.

[Lintelyg]

That seriously sucks man, but just remeber, there are a lot of ppl who are worse off. Like me. I'm just like you but worse. I've got one suicide attempt behind me. Be happy that you even had a girlfriend for a while. And if you can do it once, you can do it again. I've been wallowing in my depression for 2 years now. But every now and then things look up. But life sucks. Let's face it.

If you have friends who speak german have them translate this:
Das Leben ist wie eine Huehnerleiter
kurz und beschissen.

[Scayde]

Originally posted by Chanak
@Scayde, DW:

I discovered that love is not actually a series of emotions, as I was raised to believe; I found out it is something that is purposefully cultivated over time by putting one foot in front of the other. I have to make a conscious decision to make something work. If I relied on my emotions, I would probably be friendless, and quite possibly even imprisoned.

@ Chanak: Well Said...*Beer Toast*

@ DW: I see you've been there too

[AntiChrist]

Heh, all I do anymore is write. Every minute I have free I am writing or thinking. During boring classes, instead of doing my homework, anytime I can. I've got like 20 pages of writing about whatever comes to my mind. I don't write stories, it's just writing. A lot of questions, a lot of answers from my opinions. I've though of drawing, but I'm not artistic so no luck there lol. But I try to be happy. I just force myself, but it seems so hopeless. I've been slightly depressed for a long, long time, but the thought that it would get better made me feel much better. Now I don't have that thought, I've lost my hope because I have nothing to hope for. Before I went out with my former gf it was her I hoped for. It took me forever to get the courage up to ask her out and then it took even longer before she said yes, but I always had the hope. Now that's been shattered. So I don't know, I just feel lost. I don't even know why I post this, I guess I just need to talk. Me and my friend have these types of conversations a bit and it makes me feel better, but only to a point. And all of the stress adds up. I read some of those other posts and I feel like many of them, like it's not worth it. Like there's no point. One thing I read that Bloodstalker posted is,

"For example, I was engaged for 2 years to a woman. We got along fine, and everything was absolutly wonderful. I felt good, I felt like things were really coming together for me. I was just breaking into a good job, and I was in love with a woman who I thought was perfect for me. Then, after two years, she just turns off her emotions. She went back to her ex-boyfreind. She never gave me a reason, and acted like it was really no big deal. We broke up one day, and the next she was dating him. I found out that she had beend seeing him for a couple weeks before I knew about it. How did this happen? I found out from several friends that it was really quite simple, he just saw her out one day and asked her out.

I was devastated. I went through a stage of wondering what I had done, if it was my fault. I wondered if n fact I had been nothing more than something to occupy her time til they got back together. Less than 3 months later, I read in the paper that they were married."

(a bit much lol) This was like me and my gf. Not quite to the point of engagement, but I felt like it could of been. And then one day it was gone and she doesn't seem to care. I feel like nothing. But I'm pushing on. It's all I can do. Maybe it'll get better, maybe not. But what can I do?

@antichrist

It seems that of everyone here I could speak of depression such as yours from bitter experience. I am not going to try to "one up you" by telling you this, I am not comparing it..your pain is yours alone and no matter what I say it won't change it..I only will tell my tale (tiny bit of it) only to let you know I can truely relate. If others read this and it is redundant I apologise. .....

I was born to a man who fought in 3 wars...ww2, korea and veit nam....he was carrer sargent..he was a good man....I have seldom known better....he was an alcoholic and with little wonder why. yet when i reached about 16 he had a altercation....a man pushed him...he was unaware of the man....he feel back and crushed the back of his skull in....it was about 14 hours before a neurosurgeon saved him....the doctor gave him a 05% change of survival...he did...he was tough....but he had irreversable orgainic mental illness...he was paranoid to the Nth degree....violent..I endured it with my mother and brothers and as the youngest I endured it the longest...until one night we....hmmm....fought...I almost choked him to death...I was in blind rage...It was years before we spoke again..I saw him even less yet I was the one who first laid eyes on his bloated corpse....it was the night OJ simpson had the white bronc chase..I was there at the house I am in now..I had to break the door down..the police were there...he was laying on the couch...it was summer and how long he was there we will never know...I still see it in my minds eye....him laying on couch..it was dark but he had the Tv on...the flickering blue light was eerir on his rotten skull, the police flash lights search the room from over my shoulder...the guilt..depression was instant and long lasting.....I loved the man....I let him down.


I was 26 before I married. I was patient....knowing the difference from love and lust and dependance i waited til I found THE one...or she found me......I fell in love and I loved her more each day of my life. I can attest that no matter what trail or fight we had, each day I actually conciously thought of how much i loved her and appricated how lucky i was.
after 10 years i found out she was cheating on me with someone she worked with....i found out because she had given me 3 std's. .... even then i would have...tried but she decided to leave....she married the guy a few months later....on my birthday.....i began suicide by trying to drink myself to death....you can only drink about two years serious 24/7 before the body gives out....sadly it did not kill me but just ruined me....

i have been institutionalised twice agaisnt my will and twice willingly...i have had "shock treatments" ....so mny meds and meds side effects it is too much to list....from vomiting to hallucinations to seizures....

as a kid i was a classic under acheiver so i never made it to college, could not have afforded it anyway so why try?...i wanted military but at 16 i was diagonosed with a degenerative disc disease and was 4F....

i have been arrested 3 times for a total of 12 felonies but only convicted of one misdeamenor....i was the rarity....an innocent man...yet i have been beaten....handcuffed....police tatics suck lol..

I have been beaten, stabbed, shot at.....(my dad was one took a shot at me)

i had a relationship with a woman again..fell in love again....guess what....oh joy..she cheated on me too..but this time.....i'm still trying ....people are people....life goes on..

i have no future, no hope...just ....i breath in...i breath out.....i exist....why? i don't know....the ONLY reason i don't take my 45 and blow my brains out is the effect on my family....i was raised to take responsibility for ones own actions...i cannot do that to my family...but i think of it daily....it is with me......constant.....

i go to sleep trying to think of best way to kill myself....

but each day....i get up...i take my meds....i beath in...i breath out.....waiting for the answer to the question you asked......

is this what life is about?

I have no idea.

this is a sketchy breif minute amount of my life and the depression involved.....

i go on cause we are all in this together, what we do affects those around us in a bizarre Brownian motion of emotion and life..

take the advice of one who has walked one road....DO NOT WALK THIS WAY.....try your best to go to college....focus all energy in trying to make yourself the best you can be.....be patient.....live in the moment...try to remove the mental filter and see good things whenever you can.....

breath in....breath out....

*NOTE* I ain't gonna bother proofreading this so I know it will be chock full of errors but i am mentally ill so wadda ya expect lol....but I wll apologise for them never the less.*

sorry if i sound whiny.

[thantor3]

@AntiChrist: I was sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. It is very painful to be haunted by past memories as you walk through places you used to share with someone special. People say that time heals such things, but that hasn't always been my experience. A deep wound will often heal in time, but if the wound is not attentively and sensitively cared for, the scar can be crippling. I am sad to see you write about so much hate in your life. But then, perhaps writing is one way to purge such toxins… I do hope so.

From a professional standpoint, I would encourage you to think about separating grief from depression. We often speak about grief "recruiting" depression, but they are not the same thing. Depression at its most intense is a mood disorder that has a specific set of clinical criteria and has the potential to respond to certain therapeutic interventions. Grief, on the other hand, is a natural response to loss, just as anger is a natural response to violation. In my view, it is inappropriate to medicate grief (although I see it happen constantly) unless it begins to markedly interfere with quality of life over a prolonged period. As F. Scott Peck says, life is difficult. When you accept this, life becomes less so.

When you were a child, you had a limited ability to deal with pain. Hopefully, there were supportive adults around you to comfort you and teach you how to take care of yourself when you experienced this. I am fairly sure that you have learned to deal with pain in a much more sophisticated way then you did when you were a child. Likewise, perhaps at present you have a limited ability to deal with grief. As evidenced from the responses here, there are many others willing to share their experiences and wisdom in order to help you learn to take care of yourself in such a situation. A healthy adult understands that the experience of love engenders pain and loss. The person you love will either leave you, betray you, or die. That is a given, unless you leave, betray, or die first. In response to this, you can choose the path of despair and bitterness, cynically closing yourself off to the experience of love… or you can make a different choice. The Japanese have a term, mono-no-aware , that relates to the pure, emotional response to the beauty of nature, the impermanence of life, and the sorrow of death. I think of it in terms of a first kiss, an amazing sunset, or a perfect moment. All of these things are fleeting, yet we cherish them exactly because they are so. What I am speaking of is not resigned acceptance of the suffering of life, but an exaltation in the passion that arises because of it. I vividly remember watching a program that revolved around an exploration of the way September 11th change the way people felt about their faith, their relationship to God. It ended with a single voice, discussing an image of two people -- strangers -- force to jump to their death on that day, and how they did so… hand in hand. To me, this is mono-no-aware. This is the outpouring of the human spirit.

You asked, " Is this what life is about?" If you are referring to despair, hatred, and unrelenting pain -- no, that is not what life is about. Those things are about making a wrong turn. What is required at that point is to reach down inside yourself in order to find a place of humility where you can admit that this is so. As to what life is truly about, I regret that I have neither DW's grace and skill at writing, nor the wisdom that shines through the posting of the others here to answer that question. However, if you would like to begin to explore this, here is a good place to start. I recommend section 5A, "Love and the Goddess", since it speaks to your situation with your former girlfriend.

@thantor3

Yes..excellent advice on going to Joseph Campell for wisdom...

The man was a genius when it came to the pyschological aspects of myth...life...reality....
.
I would personally like to thank you for that site

[Scayde]

@ Thantor: You are a brilliant person, and speak like a professional in the field. Am I correct in this, or are you just this insightfull.?

@ mental_ nomad: Your story has touched me very deeply. I hope Antichrist may benefit from your experiences. I am sure it was very painful to relive them...


@Antichrist: BTW, I also highly endorse Cambell