| | | | 
12-30-2004, 06:00 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Cell Block E
Posts: 2,142
| |  Quote: |
I'm sorry, i don't want to ruin our friendship.
| OK.... call me cynical, but i have this one pulled on me a few times when asking people out, and i'm starting to see through it...... Is it complete bull dung? Or is it genuine.... Or does it vary by situation? Im not asking for help or advice; this thread isout of pure interest as to how the SYMers with slightly more life experience than me think of this......... Many hanks in advance 
-Giles
__________________ Mag: Don't remember much at all of last night do you? Me: put simply.... No 
Mag: From what I put together of your late night drunken ramblings? Vodka, 3 girls, and then we played tic-tac-toe and slapped each other around.
| | |
12-30-2004, 06:05 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: liberally sprinkled in the film's opening scene
Posts: 4,528
| | The art of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who do not possess it.
Make out of that what you will; I do think it applies to your situation.
__________________ Vicsun, I certainly agree with your assertion that you are an unpleasant person. ~Chanak  | | |
12-30-2004, 06:13 AM
|  | Super Moderator | | Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Denmark
Posts: 13,863
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by giles337 OK.... call me cynical, but i have this one pulled on me a few times when asking people out, and i'm starting to see through it...... Is it complete bull dung? Or is it genuine.... Or does it vary by situation? Im not asking for help or advice; this thread isout of pure interest as to how the SYMers with slightly more life experience than me think of this......... Many hanks in advance
-Giles |
In such a situation as you indicate it being used - I'd say it is a "line" simply being used to get out of the situation "easy".
But of course it can vary based on situations, and it could be a genuine concern - however, I'd question its legimity.
| | |
12-30-2004, 06:45 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: USA
Posts: 3,186
| |
First of all, romantic complications really can ruin a friendship. (I'll leave it to others to share their own theories and anecdotes.) So on the face of it, statements like "I don't want to ruin our friendship" are not necessarily B.S.
Second of all, context is everything. If the person saying "I don't want to ruin our friendship" isn't really a friend, then you have to look deeper if you want to find the real meaning. Maybe it means, "I don't find you attractive, but I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'll say I want to be your friend." But you shouldn't take her literally when she says, "Let's be friends." She's just trying to reject you in a nice way. On the bright side, at least she's trying to be nice, and that counts for something.
If the person who says "I don't want to ruin our friendship" really is a friend, then you might as well believe her. That's probably the way she really feels. But that still leaves the mystery of whether or not she finds you attractive. Maybe it means, "I don't find you attractive, but I don't want to lose you as a friend so I'll be as nice to you as I can," or maybe it means, "I find you attractive, but I don't want to ruin our friendship." In either case, she means that she wants to be friends with you but she doesn't want to go out with you. There's nothing implausible about that, whether you share her sentiments or not. You might think that her friendship is worthless if she rejects you romantically, but that's just one of the many perversities of the human heart.
It would indeed be cynical to think that someone who doesn't find you attractive can't possibly care for you. Someone who doesn't want to go out with you can still be your dear friend, as long as you permit it. So it's not a good idea to shortchange someone you care about just because she doesn't want to go out with you; if she's a true friend, at least you have that. If she's sincere when she says that she doesn't want to ruin your friendship, then you can safely assume that your friendship means something to her. The question is whether that's good enough for you.
If you want more insight, look inside your own heart. Is there someone you care about, yet you wouldn't want to go out with her? If so, then maybe you would say "I just want to be friends" if she asked you out. It's a good line to use in cases like that.  Or maybe you care nothing about a girl if you don't find her attractive? Lots of people are like that. In my own case, I can think of several people who are attracted to me, but for some reason their feelings mean nothing to me, and I hardly even think about them. If I can be that way, then so can everyone else. So I'm not really surprised when people I love and admire don't always have me in their thoughts. That's just the way that humans are.
 | | |
12-30-2004, 07:11 AM
|  | Super Moderator | | Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Posts: 30,319
| |
Excellent post, VonDondu.
__________________
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe. | | |
12-30-2004, 07:27 AM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Cell Block E
Posts: 2,142
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Vicsun The art of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who do not possess it.
Make out of that what you will; I do think it applies to your situation. |
Care to explain?
@ VonDondu. First of all' thanks for the excellent feedback. Secondly, I feel that the situation in mind falls firmly into your third paragraph, i guess only time will tell exactly where....
Thanks for the help all.
__________________ Mag: Don't remember much at all of last night do you? Me: put simply.... No
Mag: From what I put together of your late night drunken ramblings? Vodka, 3 girls, and then we played tic-tac-toe and slapped each other around.
| | |
12-30-2004, 07:33 AM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: liberally sprinkled in the film's opening scene
Posts: 4,528
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by giles337 Care to explain? | If you wonder whether you've made a valid observation, or are merely cynical it's usually the former
Now, that doesn't mean the girl you talked to wasn't sincere. However, if you are getting the line often, chances are not everyone who've said it meant it.
__________________ Vicsun, I certainly agree with your assertion that you are an unpleasant person. ~Chanak | | |
12-30-2004, 12:36 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: The East side of hell...Well, actually its just Florida
Posts: 111
| | |
I think everyone has gotten this line before. Actually, one of the people who gave this respone was a dear friend in middle/high school. I actually moved away for 2 years and when I returned, during high school, this response popped up in conversation. I didn't even ask or persue anything of that nature. Then she went off to college and I lost touch with her.
A year later or so I went to visit a friend in college and happened to run into her. We talked for a bit and I invited her to come to my friends. Over the course of the night a similar conversation to the one in high school came up. I'm thinking to myself "Oh great I'm gonna hear it twice from the same girl", but I didn't. It was wierd, things when full circle in about a year or two and it all started with a simple invite.
The reason for the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" can be from other things too. I found out the night we got together the reason I got this response from her was because one of her friends liked me. We had great times, although we are not together now, and as with any of my ex girlfriends we are still friends. Well except for one. There's always gotta be that one to ruin everything, yea her and I don't get along.
Sorry to bore you with the story, really I just wanted to give a real life example of a reason you may get this response. In my case it was for the better. No, not because I was able to be with more people but because the two of us were more mature and I think it actually added to the relationship.
I have gotten the response and never have gotten with the person either. Real quick before I depart on the post, I had a girl friend, not in a relationship, give me this response but her actions towards me always seemed to be different than with anyone else. As in she would call me before boyfriends to talk about things, yell at boyfriends if they had a problem with me, etc. I never really understood why until she had tragedy in her life. She called me from across the country to talk about what had happened. I was the first person she talked to about the situation and have been the only person she has talked to about certain things.
Sometime the comforting is more important than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Personally I would not ponder as to why the response was given. I gave these examples, although vague, they are from my life. I know how it feels not to know, but the response is kind of like a get out of jail free card in monopoly. No one should question it. If you question your friend about it you've lost all integrity as a friend. IMO of course.
__________________
0073735963
C: "Have you seen The Preacher?"
R: "I have seen a sandworm."
C: "What about that sandworm?"
R: "It give us the air we breathe."
C: "Then why do we destroy its land?"
R: "Because Shai-Hulud [sandworm deified] orders it."
"Riddles of Arrakis" by Harq al-Ada
Children of Dune
| | |
12-30-2004, 01:26 PM
|  | Moderator and Twisted Sister | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
Posts: 19,215
| |
VonDondu just stated much that I would have
To add, from my own experience I can say that some 'friendships' can never be precisely defined.... they are much deeper than the standard friendship... yet they do not exactly fall into the category of 'relationship'.
These are often the situations that have the most potential of becoming a 'romance', which can be wonderful. Yet, because friendships like this are so magical in themselves, going beyond the place they occupy can have its risks.
What if it doesn't work out and something profoundly amazing has been lost? Sometimes this can be regained, because it is never really lost.. but rediscovering a sense of balance and boundaries can be very difficult and take a lot of work.
I have been in situations where I took that risk. I do not have regrets, but to say lives became complicated would be an understatement.
So I can well understand that sense of caution..
__________________
testingtest12Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
testingtest12.......All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain.
Last edited by dragon wench; 12-30-2004 at 01:56 PM.
| | Thread Tools | Search this Thread | | | | | Display Modes | Rate This Thread |  Linear Mode | | 
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
| | | |
