1. Thou shalt be helpful and courteous to newbies in all things. They are like children, and as such are the future of the board. In all things thou shalt strive to earn their trust and respect, at which point they shall have advanced beyond newbiedom and though shalt be free to turn upon them as the dog devours his own feces.
2. Thou shalt, in conjunction with commandment 1, steer such as would come forth from the shadows under the guise of Newbie away from the dark powers of spam. In particular, thous shalt give precedence to educating the innocent of the following personifications of evil:
A. Weasel: Dark Lord himself. Exposure to Weasel may render newbies unable to think for themselves. They shall inevitably walk the path of idol worship and squander their earthly possesion upon the alter of Weasel. In the end, they who follow the false god shall find themselve bereft of companionship as they are no longer able to purchase the favor of the Dark Lord through sacrificial goat offering. At such time, Weasel will tire of their presence, and cast them into the outer realm in such a way that they will not even know that they have been abandoned. In this way shalt the Newbie become the most pathetic of poster. A COMM.
B. fas: Newbies shall be warned of the highly volatile fas, or CM as he mae be known, lest he seduce them into his powers by promising them women and power, nither of which he has come close enough to sniff personally. Correction, fas did indeed get a single sniff a few months ago, however, it was determined that for the purposes of this recording, stuffed kangaroos in a museam exhibit do not count. Instead, the would be master shall make use of the newbies as he may, yes, also in that lewd way as well. Once a newbie ceases to "satisfy" , fas shall turn upon them with great fury and "sack" him as he is so fond of doing.
Thou hast been warned, and these two are but the most prevalent dangers. If thou hast the misfortune to meet any other of the Elder Lords, such as Waverly, Flamer of the Boards and God of the Hairless chest; Foul, He of the Long Words and Hoarder of T'lainya's Time, make haste to a temple and seek thee sanctuary. It will avail thee little, but the effort shall be amusing to the pantheon.
3.Thou shalt not point and laugh at the ineptness of Newbies, unless such pointing and laughing be done via the PM system or some messenging program. Harken back unto the days of thy youth, and realize that thee, too, were such a newb, and the same actions that you ridicule them for now, thou hast been mocked for in olden times. All bets are off if, howerver, the newbie commits such an act that falls under the catagories of "Too Good to Pass Up", or "They Were Asking For It"
4. Thou shalt not point out discrepencies of the Elder Council in the presence of newbies. Any member seen doing shall be striped of Elder status and sent back to Newbiedom, whith the exception that they shalt not be protected under the terms herin. As such, all Newbies shall be free to practice their fledgling skills upon thee, and thy place of dwelling shall be within the confines of the nearest guerilla exhibit in mating season. Wearing a fur coat. With no females present. Thou doest the math.
5.Thou shalt not withold pertinant information from newbies in times of confusion lest it be deemed amusing to do so by at least three Elder Members. Thous mayest, however, dispense freely with false information, so long as such information does not jeapordize the life of said newbie. Telling Newbies to refer to Waverly as "Wankerly", for example, is not justified. sending them forth on half baked quests to see them scamper for thine own amusement is encouraged however.
6.Thou shalt not flame any newbie under 200 posts for no apparant reason. 200 posts shall be the post count of protection from flame, and the count of posts shall be 200. 198 shalt thou not flame, neither shalt thou flame 199, unless the newbie proceed on to 200. 201 is fair game. If reason is apparent, thou mayest flame at will until such time as newbie has stopped making offense. If, however, the newbie shall flame first, all protections shall be declared null and void.
7.Thou shalt be required to offer 3 bottle of turkey for every newbie to appear unto the Lord Stalker.
8.Thou shalt not question commandment 7. Thy mind is not able to comprehend the meaning behind it.
9.Thou shalt make newbies feel at home in thy midst. Thou shalt not show favoritism to Elder Members. Thou shalt blame newbies as readily as Elders for thine own mistakes if they be handy. Thou shalt make outrageous accusation of newbies in the event that such an accusation may steer attention from your own depraved vices. Thou shalt twist newbies word against them but thou shalt NOT misquote a newbie below 200 post, unless it be such a post as is practically begging for it. Thus, shall newbies become acclimated to the social circle of the board.
10. Upon 500 post, thou shalt remove all traces and trapping of newbieness and newbies shall be admitted into the Elder Ranks. At such point, former newbies are left to there own devices and sun the same risks as everyone else on the board. It shall no longer be the responsability pf the Elder Members to protect them from humiliation, flamings, several forms of violation, rampant rumors, and doctored up photo evidence to support such. Any member past newbieness seen whining or seeking protection, shall be lynched on the spot, tarred, feathered, and sacrificed to Ubik.
So sayeth the Elder Council.
EDIT:
Doe this please thee now nightmare?
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